Glee Transcripts

3x06 - Mash Off

Wed, 23 Nov 2011 16:52:18 -0500

3x05 - The First Time

Wed, 23 Nov 2011 16:52:00 -0500

Airdate: October 4, 2011

Written by: Ian Brennan
Directed by: Alfonso Gomez-Rejon
Transcribed by: yaaaycheers

Featured Music:

Tonight, from West Side Story
Billy Joel - Uptown Girl
A Boy Like That, from West Side Story
I Have a Love, from West Side Story
America, from West Side Story
One Hand, One Heart, from West Side Story

—

INTRO

NARRATOR: So here’s what you missed on Glee - McKinley’s doing West Side Story and everyone’s excited, especially Coach Beiste and Emma and Artie because they’re the directors. Blaine got the lead and so did Rachel, which made Mercedes quit the Glee Club and join Shelby’s Troubletones with Santana and Brittany. Mike Chang’s playing Riff, even though his dad told him he can’t be a dancer.

TINA: Riff is perfect for you.

NARRATOR: I think he wants him to go to doctor college or something. And that’s what you missed on Glee.

SCENE ONE: THE HALLWAY / BACKSTAGE

ARTIE (V/O): You see this face? This is what enlightenment looks like. It doesn’t matter if he’s in prison like Ghandi or trapped inside a woman’s body like Chaz Bono, or stuck in a wheelchair like me. When a man finds his calling, all is right in his world. I still love performing, but thanks to Mr Schue and the school musical, I’ve finally discovered my true passion - bossing everyone around. I mean directing. The key to being a director is having opinions, about everything.

ARTIE: No.

ARTIE (V/O): Even stuff you have no idea about.

ARTIE: No!

RACHEL: I think it’s great.

ARTIE: Go.

ARTIE: Definitely.

RACHEL: Really? No.

ARTIE: That’s it.

RACHEL: Ugh!

ARTIE (V/O): I’m both sad and happy that the musical is just days away.

SCENE TWO: AUDITORIUM

RACHEL and BLAINE sing Tonight.

BLAINE: Are you gonna cry every time we sing?

SHANNON: I’m such a girl.

EMMA: My only note is more teeth.

ARTIE: Can I be honest? This song is about sexual awakening, as is the entire musical. You two lack passion. Have either of you two actually…?

EMMA: Wow. Okay. I have to go.

SHANNON: Those footballs ain’t gonna inflate themselves.

ARTIE: Look, I remember my first time with Brittany. The excitement, the way it made me feel like a man. Even though she called me the wrong name like, four times. During and after. What was it like for you guys?

RACHEL: W- um…

BLAINE: I’m waiting for the right time.

RACHEL: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, me too. So glad that you’re my Tony.

ARTIE: Look. As your friend, I support your strange aversion to fun. But, as your director, I’m concerned.

RACHEL: I’m sorry, what do you mean?

ARTIE: Well, how do you expect to convey the human experience to an audience when you haven’t even opened yourself up to one of humanity’s most basic and primal ones.

TITLE CARD

ON-SCREEN CREDITS:

DIANNA AGRON
CHRIS COLFER
DARREN CRISS
JANE LYNCH
JAYMA MAYS
KEVIN MCHALE
LEA MICHELE
CORY MONTEITH
HEATHER MORRIS
MATTHEW MORRISON
AMBER RILEY
NAYA RIVERA
MARK SALLING
HARRY SHUM JR.
JENNA USHKOWITZ
GUEST STARRING: DOT-MARIE JONES
MAX ADLER
DAMIAN MCGINTY, GRANT GUSTIN
ERIC BRUSKOTTER, LAMARCUS TINKER
KEONG SIN, TAMLYN TOMITA
EXECUTIVE MUSIC PRODUCERS: RYAN MURPHY, ADAM ANDERS. FEATURED SONGS PRODUCED BY: ADAM ANDERS, PEER ASTROM, RYAN MURPHY
STAFF WRITER: ROSS MAXWELL
STAFF WRITER: MATTHEW HODGSON

SCENE THREE: HALLWAY

RACHEL: And one over there. So, you, um, you know, you still haven’t told me who you’re voting for yet.

FINN: Well, I haven’t decided. Kurt’s my brother, it’s kinda hard to vote against your brother.

RACHEL: You can’t do this with your brother.

FINN: Not unless you live in Kentucky. What’s gotten into you?

RACHEL: Nothing, its’ just the confidence of success. I mean, we sold out the April Rhodes Auditorium for three shows, Jacob Ben Israel’s polls have me tied in first place for the presidential race, and I have the hottest guy in school. I hope that my radience isn’t too much for you.

FINN: It won’t be after Friday night.

RACHEL: What’s Friday night?

FINN: That is the day that the recruiter from Ohio State is coming, and they’re looking for a new quarterback.

RACHEL: Really? That’s amazing!

FINN: Yeah, I know. You’re not pissed.

RACHEL: No! No, of course not. It’s not like NYADA has a football team. It’s really happening. You know, our dreams are coming true, we’re growing up.

FINN: I know. And hey, I was thinking, um, Burt and my mom are out canvassing all week, and I have the house to myself. Maybe you could come over.

RACHEL: To your house? I’ll be there at six.

FINN: Oh, man.

SCENE FOUR: BLAINE’S BEDROOM

BLAINE: Mmm. God, Roxy music makes me wanna build a time machine just so I can go back to the seventies and give Brian Ferry a high five.

KURT: Do you think I’m boring?

BLAINE: Are you crazy? You are the single most interesting kid in all of Ohio.

KURT: I mean like, sexually. I mean, we are playing it very safe by not granting our hands visas to travel south of the equator.

BLAINE: Well, I thought that’s what we wanted.

KURT: It is. I’m just wondering, have you ever had the urge just to rip off each other’s clothes and get dirty?

BLAINE: Uh, yeah, but that’s why they invented masturbation.

KURT: So hot in this room, could we maybe open up a window?

BLAINE: Hey, I’m serious. We’re young, we’re in high school, and yeah, we have urges, but whatever we do, I wanna make sure that you’re comfortable. So I can be comfortable. And besides, tearing off all your clothes is sort of a tall order.

KURT: Because of the layers?

BLAINE: Because of the layers.

SCENE FIVE: AUDITORIUM / LOCKER ROOM

SHANNON: Man, I love to weld.

ARTIE: Clearly. Coach, I’m concerned.

SHANNON: Huh.

ARTIE: Why did you run out of rehearsal the other day when we started talking about S - E - X?

SHANNON: Artie, this conversation’s totally inappropriate.

ARTIE: Wait. Have you never…? Why, have you just never found the right… person?

SHANNON: Guy. I like guys. And no, I haven’t found him. Alright, I’ll play. There’s this one gentlemen, he’s the bee’s knees. His name’s Cooter Menkins, he’s a recruiter for Ohio State. He’s beautiful, he makes me feel like a girl. But, he’s not interested.

COOTER: You’re a hell of a coach, Coach. So much talent. Well, I’m famished. Wanna go get some lunch?

SHANNON: Nah. But you can have the rest of my chilli, there’s nothing left but gristle and a few beans but it eats pretty good.

SHANNON: So anyway, that’s my type. Not that it matters.

SCENE SIX: DALTON HALLWAY / CHOIR ROOM

THE WARBLERS sing Uptown Girl.

BLAINE: You guys killed it, as always!

TRENT: We’d sound so much better with you back in the mix. Is this your triumphant return to Dalton? Please?

BLAINE: Actually, I’m here to invite you guys to my opening night at McKinley. West Side Story! I reserved a whole block of tickets just for the Warblers, it’d mean the world to me if you guys could come.

SEBASTIAN: We’ll be there. Once a Warbler, always a Warbler, right? Blaine Anderson. Sebastian Smythe.

BLAINE: Hi. Are you a Freshman?

SEBASTIAN: Do I look like a Freshman?

BLAINE: Uh…

SCENE SEVEN: DALTON CAFE

SEBASTIAN: So you’re a legend at Dalton.

BLAINE: Well, I…

SEBASTIAN: Don’t be modest. I was like, I don’t know who this Blaine guy is, but apparently he’s sex on a stick and sings like a dream. So. Sucks that I missed him. Alright. Since I’m working to recreate your [?], I need to ask - why did you leave Dalton? Were you bored with all the preppies around here? Or is it that you broke too many hearts to stay?

The scene now intercuts between the conversation between BLAINE and SEBASTIAN, and RACHEL and SANTANA singing A Boy Like That in the auditorium.

BLAINE: Uh, it wasn’t like that. Let’s just say that I miss Dalton every day. But McKinley is where my heart is now.

SEBASTIAN: I have to go. Lacross practice. But could we meet again? I could really use some more insights from you, Blaine. You know - Warbler to Warbler.

BLAINE: Sure.

SCENE EIGHT: LOCKER ROOM

FINN: Hey, dude. Uh, I got a question for ya.

PUCK: I thought they were my sneakers.

FINN: What?

PUCK: What?

FINN: No, no, look, I figured since you have some more… experience than I do, maybe you could reccomend a brand of condom?

PUCK: Are you cheating on Rachel, dude? ‘Cos if you are that is not cool, and that’s coming from me.

FINN: No. I wanna use them with Rachel.

PUCK: Oh. I’m happy for you, dude. And her. Always thought it’d be me, but secretly hoped it’d be you. As for the condoms, no idea, never used them. It’s worked out for me about 99% of the time.

SHANNON: Gather ‘round. Y’all know Cooter Menkins. Best eye for talent in the country, if you ask me.

COOTER: That’s why I spend so much time with you, Coach. Hey. Are those new tube socks?

SHANNON: I got a whole new six-pack if you wanna borrow a pair.

COOTER: Alright. This Friday night, I will be in the stands watching you play. And I’m not looking for boys to play for the Buckeyes. I’m looking for men.

SCENE NINE: HALLWAY

KURT: If you see any of Rachel’s campaign posters, feel free to tear them down.

BLAINE: Do you think we’re too sheltered as artists? I’m serious. West Side Story is all about living outside of your safe little world, don’t you wanna wake up every day and be adventurous? Experience everything in life you can?

KURT: Of course. It’s why I made a bucket list. Okay. You ready for this?

BLAINE: Okay.

KURT: Alright, here we go. Number eighty-seven. Become CEO of Logo.

BLAINE: Of course.

KURT: Number sixty-three. Oh, lay a rose at the birthplace of Noel Coward. Okay, number five, alright, this one’s really embarrassing, I wrote this before I met you. Have relations on a dewey meadow of lilac with Taylor Lautner before he gets fat. Ugh. Yeah, I know, it’s stupid, it’s stupid.

BLAINE: No, it’s not. It’s hot.

KURT: Well, anyway, we’re young, so… we got all the time in the world to be adventurous.

BLAINE: Don’t you think now is the time to be adventurous? While we’re still young?

SCENE TEN: HALLWAY

ARTIE: Excuse me, Mr Cooter? I’m Artie Abrams, can I see you in my office? It’s important.

COOTER: You don’t mean the handicapped stall, do you?

ARTIE: Uh, no. That is hilarious.

SCENE ELEVEN: AUDITORIUM

COOTER: Holy hell. What is this, a movie theatre or something?

ARTIE: You like Coach Beiste, right?

COOTER: Yeah, yeah, of course I do. She’s the best football coach in the state. Wow.

ARTIE: Yeah, but do you like her like her?

COOTER: You know, I’ve asked her out about a million times, she’s not interested. I mean, last week? Told her I had a gift certificate to Applebee’s, just told me fancy restaurants make me nervous.

ARTIE: You have to ask her out again.

COOTER: No way, Andy. She’s just gonna blow me off.

ARTIE: Trust me. You need to ask me out again. But make it really obvious. I have the perfect idea for a date.

SCENE TWELVE: LIMA BEAN

BLAINE: I can’t believe you asked for a shot of cavasier in your coffee.

SEBASTIAN: Forgot how lame this town is. When I lived in Paris, I drank it like it was mother’s milk.

BLAINE: When you lived- okay. Wow.

SEBASTIAN: What?

BLAINE: You’re just so - you know, you’re out there.

SEBASTIAN: And your whole bashful schoolboy thing? Super hot.

BLAINE: Look. Sebastian. I have a boyfriend.

SEBASTIAN: Doesn’t bother me if it doesn’t bother you.

BLAINE: No, I mean, I really care about him.

SEBASTIAN: He doesn’t need to know.

BLAINE: I just never want to mess my thing up with him, in any way. He’s really great.

KURT: Who’s really great?

BLAINE: You! We were just talking about you. Sebastian, this is Kurt, my boyfriend, who I was just-

SEBASTIAN: Got it.

BLAINE: Wow. Heh. Wow.

KURT: Pleasure. And how do we know Sebastian?

SEBASTIAN: We met at Dalton. I was dying to meet Blaine. Those Warblers just won’t shut up about him. Didn’t think he could live up to the hype, but as it turns out…

KURT: Yes, he’s even more impressive in the flesh.

SEBASTIAN: Hey, what are you guys doing tomorrow night?

KURT: Well, we’re rehearsing for the school musical. And then at bedtime we do a rigourours skin [?] regiment over the phone together.

SEBASTIAN: And as sexy as that sounds, what do you say we shake things up? I get you guys a couple of fake IDs and we head over to Scandals in West Lima.

BLAINE: Scandals, that’s the gay bar.

SEBASTIAN: Last time I was there, I met the man of my dreams on the dance floor.

KURT: That’s so sweet, and are you two still together? Sadly no, we broke up about twenty minutes after we met. C’mon, guys, live a little.

BLAINE: We would love to, Sebastian, thank you for the offer, that’s very nice of you, but that just isn’t our kind of thing.

KURT: Let’s do it.

BLAINE: What?

KURT: Yeah! I mean, we have a whole bunch of firsts to start crossing off our lists. We’re in.

SEBASTIAN: Great.

BLAINE: Great.

SCENE THIRTEEN: FINN’S DINING ROOM

RACHEL: Mmm. That was amazing. I’ve never had meat substitute before that tasted that much like real meat.

FINN: Of course. Because you’re a vegan, which I remember, because we know each other so well, more sparkling cider?

RACHEL: Mmm-hmm. Thank you. Shall we make a toast?

FINN: Yeah.

RACHEL: Alright. To four full months of no fighting or threats of us breaking up, nothing but love, love, love.

BOTH: Cheers.

FINN: Oh, should I go make dessert? I’ve got poundcake, it’s [?].

RACHEL: Oh. Actually, I thought maybe we could just go snuggle by the fire first.

FINN: Okay.

SCENE FOURTEEN: FINN’S LIVING ROOM

FINN: I brought protection.

RACHEL: Me too. Every Broadway girl comes prepared.

FINN: Wait, wait, before we do this, I need to know, why now? The last time we talked about this, you said you wanted to wait until you won a Tony.

RACHEL: Or any other major award. I mean, a Golden Globe, a People’s Choice would have gotten you to third base, but… I don’t know what changed, I mean even the thought of going to New York a virgin felt silly to me, but when and who’s gonna feel more right than you and now? And I love you.

FINN: I just wanna make sure this is special enough for you. I been saving up for a hotel for us. Some place nice, like a marriot or something. If we wait a couple of weeks, I can probably-

RACHEL: No, I can’t wait a couple of weeks, I have to get this done before opening night.

FINN: Get this done?

RACHEL: I can’t play a girl who has a sexual awakening if I’m not woken up myself.

FINN: So you’re doing this so you can act better?

RACHEL: No! No, I’m doing this because I love you. And so that I can act better, but that’s my business, okay, it has nothing to do with you, so- wait, where are you going? No, no, I’m ready, please, come back.

FINN: I just need a minute. Okay? I’m gonna… make dessert.

SCENE FIFTEEN: HALLWAY

MIKE CHANG SR: When were you gonna tell me?

MIKE: Tell you what?

MIKE CHANG SR: That you’re doing the school musical? I overheard your mother talk about it on the phone. You lied to me. And you made a liar out of your mother. You will quit. Immediately.

MIKE: No. I love being a dancer.

MIKE CHANG SR: When I was in high school, I wanted to be a tennis player. But then I had to wake up and realise that I wasn’t good enough. Grow up, Michael. You need to learn the difference between grown-up dreams and kid dreams.

MIKE: I’m not going to be a doctor. I will be a professional dancer. I’ll pay my own way through college, I don’t want your money.

MIKE CHANG SR: As long as you continue to waste your life on this silly fantasy, you will no longer be my son.

MIKE: Then I guess I don’t have a dad anymore.

SCENE SIXTEEN: LOCKER ROOM

COOTER: Need somebody to spot you?

SHANNON: Nah, I’m good. I live big, and solo.

COOTER: Yeah, well, you’d be surprised how much I can bench. If I got the chance.

SHANNON: Gotcha. I’ll be through here in a sec. And then they’re all yours. Did you need me for something?

COOTER: Yeah. Yeah, I do. I, uh… I got these.

SHANNON: What, you going to a graveyard?

COOTER: No, I got them for you.

SHANNON: I’m not sick.

COOTER: Dammit, Shannon, can you just - can you drop the weights, please, and talk to me for a second? Man. Ever had something you really wanted to get and out and you just couldn’t seem to do it?

SHANNON: I had a chigger in my thigh once. It was the size of a tic tac.

COOTER: I wanna take you out on a date. A real, honest-to-god, sit-down date. Where you dress up like a lady and I dress up like a gentleman. Yes or no?

SHANNON: Why you doing this, Coot? Somebody put you up to this?

COOTER: Jeez. Why don’t you get that… I’m attracted to you?

SHANNON: ‘Cause you’re the kind of man that could have any pretty he pointed at, and I don’t look the way pretty girls look.

COOTER: Well, good. ‘Cause I don’t date girls. I just date women. Beautiful women. Like you. So take the flowers. Go on. So. Friday. After the game.

SCENE SEVENTEEN: CLASSROOM

RACHEL: This emergency meeting is now in session. I realise that we are a house divided but I need the advice of my girls. The last time I called a meeting like this was during our Madonna lesson, and all of you were widly unhelpful. But it’s been two years now and we’ve all grown up, so I’m optimistic. Finn and I were… almost intimate.

TINA: Almost? What happened?

RACHEL: He ran out. I just, I wanted my performance of Maria to be as realistic as possible, and when he found out that that’s why I was doing it, he got really, really hurt.

TINA: Of course he was hurt.

BRITTANY: Yeah, that’s really bad, Rachel.

RACHEL: I know, I know, I feel terrible, and now I realise that I was just doing it for all the wrong reasons.

QUINN: Do you want my advise? Just wait.

RACHEL: Just wait?

QUINN: Look what happened to me.

TINA: You could have used protection.

QUINN: I’m not just talking about getting pregnant, I’m talking about losing something that you can never get back. It changes you. It makes everything more complicated.

SANTANA: I also think that you should wait. Speaking from experience, Finn is terrible in bed.

TINA: Santana, that is not cool.

SANTANA: What? If Rachel wants my sloppy seconds, she should at least know the truth. Look, it was like being smothered by a sweaty, out-of-breath sack of potatoes that someone soaked in body spray.

BRITTANY: I lost my virginity at cheerleading camp. He just… climbed into my tent. Alien invasion.

RACHEL: Okay, well - then I guess it’s settled. Obviously things are heating up between Finn and I, but I think we should wait.

TINA: Losing my virginity was a great experience for me. Because I was with someone I love.

The rest of the scene intercuts between the classroom, RACHEL and FINN in the hallway, and RACHEL and SANTANA singing I Have A Love.

TINA: It happened this summer. Mike and I talked about it for a while, because we knew the first time was gonna be something we’d wanna remember forever. And when that moment came, we just knew. It was right. It wasn’t rushed. It was amazing. He’s my first love, and I’ll always look back at that moment as absolutely perfect. No regrets.

SCENE EIGHTEEN: SCANDALS CAR PARK

KURT: Chaz Donaldsworth? This doesn’t even look like me.

BLAINE: Don’t worry, mine says I’m thirty-eight. They’ll work.

SCENE NINETEEN: SCANDALS

KURT: Aloha!

BOUNCER: Enjoy. It’s Drag Queen Wednesday.

KURT: Great.

BLAINE: It’s not very scandalous.

KURT: Au contraire. Look at all the, ah… glamourous drag queens. Look, there’s, uh, Cher, and Tina Turner, and ah, um, is that Lucy or Riba?

BLAINE: That is Ginger from Gilligan’s Island.

KURT: Of course. I really don’t like that guy.

BLAINE: He’s harmless.

SEBASTIAN: A beer for Blaine. And for Kurt, a Shirley Temple with extra cherries. I heard you’re the designated driver. Like, all the time. Cheers, boys. To the glamourous life.

KAROFSKY: Better watch your boyfriend. Could I get another beer, please.

KURT: So how’s life at your new school?

KAROFSKY: Fine. You know, I just wanna have a normal senior year and play football without my teammates hearing rumours about me.

KURT: Just to let you know, I never would have told anyone. It’s not who I am. So, you come here all the time?

KAROFSKY: People like me here, I feel accepted. I’m what they call a bear cub.

KURT: Because you look like Yogi?

KAROFSKY: I don’t know, because I’m burly or something? What, so is this the part where you judge me?

KURT: No. As long as you’re not beating people up, I’m all for being whoever you have to be at your own speed.

KAROFSKY: Right now, I’m just trying to get through high school. Here’s to baby steps.

KURT: Baby steps.

SCENE TWENTY: SCANDALS CAR PARK

BLAINE: This is the best night of my life.

KURT: Okay. Alright.

BLAINE: It’s the best night of my life! I wanna live here. I wanna live here, and I just wanna make art and help people.

KURT: You can certainly help people make fires with your breath.

BLAINE: Hey, c’mon, I only had one beer. Kiss me.

KURT: Oh, no. No, no, no, no.

BLAINE: Kiss me, come on.

KURT: No, c’mon, you ride in the back. C’mon. Lay down.

BLAINE: Alright.

KURT: So then you throw up that way.

BLAINE: C’mere.

KURT: Woah - woah - woah - wait! Alright, oh, oh, oh, alright. Blaine, alright.

BLAINE: Hey, Kurt, let’s just do it. I want you.

KURT: No.

BLAINE: I want you so bad.

KURT: No, no, stop it!

BLAINE: I know you wanted to do it in a field of lilacs with Sting playing in the background and all that, who cares where we are?

KURT: Alright-

BLAINE: It’s all about us, right?

KURT: Right! It’s about us! Which is why I don’t wanna do it on a night you spend half of dancing with another guy! And that you’re sober enough to remember it the next day!

BLAINE: Why are you yelling at me?

KURT: Because I never felt less like being intimate with someone and either you can’t tell or you just don’t care! Where are you going?

BLAINE: I’m sorry if I’m trying to be spontaneous and fun! I think I’m just gonna walk home.

KURT: Blaine!

SCENE TWENTY-ONE: DRESSING ROOM

RACHEL: Just so you know, your Maria has disappointed you. I’m still a virgin.

BLAINE: And your Tony has disappointed you, me too.

RACHEL: Look, the audience is smart, the only sensible solution is to just cancel the show, I’d rather send everybody home than give a false, inauthentic performance.

ARTIE: Five minutes! Rachel, darken your eyebrows. Blaine, tone down the blush.

RACHEL: My eyebrows are fine.

SCENE TWENTY-TWO: ONSTAGE, PRE-SHOW

EMMA: Artie. Artie, are you okay, you look upset.

ARTIE: Everything is wrong. The scenery, the costumes, the staging. You know, I thought if I just pretended like I knew what I was doing, I could lie my way through it. But in five minutes, that curtain is going to go up and everybody’s going to know that I’m a fraud.

EMMA: Artie, you were brilliant. Really, this show is absolutely amazing and that’s all thanks to you.

ARTIE: It’s awful. I let everybody down.

TINA: Hey, Artie. Some of the cast needs to talk to you before we go on.

ARTIE: See? It’s mutiny.

PUCK: Dude, we have a problem.

SANTANA: We haven’t officially thanked you for everything that you’ve done for us.

TINA: All of us were so nervous, and we didn’t know what we were doing and you were like the lighthouse that led us the way.

ARTIE: But I don’t know what I was doing either. When you’re in a chair, it’s hard to ever feel like you’ve grown up. Everyone’s always doing stuff for you, get freaked out about saying the wrong thing. So, they coddle you. Sometimes it’s hard to ever picture a life of being totally self-sufficient. But directing you guys, the way you trusted me, the way you looked at me and listened to me. It was the first time in my life that I ever felt like a grown man. It’s the greatest gift you could give a guy, so - so thank you, guys. For the flowers, and for everything. Alright! Show circle.

PUCK: May I, chief? Let’s kick some ass!

SCENE TWENTY-THREE: ONSTAGE, MID-SHOW

PUCK: Oh, when I think about when we came to America! Like children! Believing, trusting!

SANTANA: Ah, trusting with our hearts open.

TINA: With our arms open.

RORY: You came wi your mou oh en.

BEISTE: I gotta work on this kid’s diction.

WILL: Without a doubt, the best musical McKinley has ever done.

EMMA: Well, we’ll see. It’s a risky artistic choice, weaving the Jets into America, but Artie insisted. I just hope that people go with it, you know?

The “West Side Story” cast, minus KURT, BLAINE and RACHEL, sing America.

SCENE TWENTY-FOUR: BACKSTAGE

BLAINE: How are we, as virgins, supposed to follow that?

RACHEL: Tony and Maria were soulmates. Okay, against all odds, they found each other. I know what that’s like. You do too. So we just have to play that. Okay, we, as actors, have to tap into that. Okay?

SCENE TWENTY-FIVE: ONSTAGE, POST-SHOW

KURT: Shouldn’t you be celebrating?

BLAINE: Going over this move, I messed it up tonight. I know I can do it better.

KURT: Beauty of the stage. Get to do it all over again tomorrow night. Personally, I thought both you guys were perfect.

BLAINE: Thank you. Your Officer Krupke killed. Brought the house down.

KURT: Well, I can’t help but pull focus, sorry.

BLAINE: Don’t apologise, it was great.

KURT: All your friends were here tonight. The Warblers.

BLAINE: Yeah.

KURT: Sebastian. They were all loving it.

BLAINE: Come here. Gimme your hand. And hold it to your heart.

KURT: Just like the song?

BLAINE: Like the song. Kurt… Sebastian doesn’t mean anything to me. And you were right. Our first time shouldn’t be like that. I was drunk, and I’m sorry.

KURT: Well, it sure beats the last time you were drunk and made out with Rachel. But I’m sorry too. I wanted to be your gay bar superstar, but, try as I might, I’m still just a silly romantic.

BLAINE: It’s not silly.

KURT: You take my breath away. Not just now, but tonight on that stage. I was so proud to be with you.

BLAINE: I hope so. I want you to be. Um… Artie’s having an after party. At Breadstix. Would you accompany me?

KURT: No. I wanna go to your house.

BLAINE: Okay.

SCENE TWENTY-SIX: FINN’S FRONT PORCH

RACHEL: Hi. I got your flowers. They were beautiful.

FINN: You were really good.

RACHEL: Can I come in?

FINN: Yeah.

SCENE TWENTY-SEVEN: FINN’S LIVING ROOM

RACHEL: Where is everybody?

FINN: Kurt’s, uh, out with Blaine, and Burt and Carole left for Tolito right after the show, they got some kinda meet-and-greet in the morning, so they’re spending the night.

RACHEL: Why didn’t you stay for the after party? I mean, I know that you’re still mad at me, but the other night-

FINN: He didn’t like me.

RACHEL: What? Who?

FINN: The recruiter.

FLASHBACK TO: LOCKER ROOM

FINN (V/O): He watched the game and I waited like an idiot for twenty minutes while he talked to Shane. I didn’t even shower or change out of my uniform, ‘cause I was afraid I’d miss him.

FINN: So you guys are going after Shane?

COOTER: Kid’s a monster. Look, kid. Just ‘cause your football career ends in high school, it doesn’t mean your life does.

BACK TO: FINN’S LIVING ROOM

RACHEL: Wait, I don’t - I don’t understand what any of this means-

FINN: It means I suck! It means I’m gonna be stuck here forever. Cooter’s not gonna recruit me. He said I’d reached my ceiling.

RACHEL: There are other colleges, not-

FINN: Like there are other schools for you besides NYADA? I’m not good enough! I’m not a good enough quarterback to get a scholarship, I’m not a good enough singer to get into NYADA, it’s all over for me!

RACHEL: Stop it! Finn. Look at me. Your dreams are not dead, okay, you’ve just grown out of them. You have to find new ones now.

FINN: I don’t know how.

RACHEL: Then we’ll figure it out together. You’re special. You know how I know that? Because I’m gonna give you something that no one else is ever gonna get.

FINN: You don’t need to do this, okay, the play’s over, there’s no point.

RACHEL: No, the point is that I was wrong and stupid and immature and probably not for the last time, lost in my ambition and…

FINN: And now?

RACHEL: Now I’m just a girl. Here with the boy that she loves and wanting to remember this moment for the rest of her life.

The scene intercuts between BLAINE and RACHEL singing One Hand, One Heart, FINN and RACHEL laying down to make love and KURT and BLAINE also laying down to make love.

FIN.

3x04 - Pot o' Gold

Wed, 23 Nov 2011 16:51:58 -0500

3x01 - The Purple Piano Project

Wed, 23 Nov 2011 16:51:00 -0500

Airdate: September 20, 2011

Written by: Brad Falchuk
Directed by: Eric Stoltz
Transcribed by: sometimesyoudo

Featured Music:

We Got the Beat by The Go Go’s. Sung by New Directions.
Big Spender from Sweet Charity. Sung by Sugar.
Ding-Dong! The Witch is Dead from The Wizard of Oz. Cover by Barbra Streisand and Harold Arlen. Sung by Kurt and Rachel.
It’s Not Unusual by Tom Jones. Sung by Blaine.
Anything Goes/Anything You Can Do from Anything Goes and Annie Get Your Gun. Sung by Harmony and prospective NYADA students.
You Can’t Stop the Beat from Hairspray. Sung by New Directions.

—

[Jacob Ben-Isreal is walking down the school hallway, holding a microphone, in the midst of interviewing various students.]

JACOB: Shalom blogosphere! Jacob Ben-Isreal here at McKinley High. Sudden death - big stakes senior year. Who will succeed and who will fail?

[JACOB turns to FINN who is at his locker.]

JACOB: Finn Hudson. Mediocre quarterback. Mediocre Glee Club lead. What do you want to be when you grow up?

FINN: Me? Uh. Yeah, I have plans. Umm.

[CUT TO: MIKE’S LOCKER - JACOB is interviewing MIKE, TINA, and ARTIE.]

MIKE: My mom still hasn’t decided if I’m going to Harvard or Stamford yet.

JACOB: (to Tina) And where are you applying?

TINA: I’m not. I’m only a Junior. Senior, Junior, Junior. (referring to Mike, herself, and Artie, respectively)

[The camera pans to ARTIE.]

ARTIE: Hello.

JACOB: Hmph. I thought you were a senior.

ARTIE: Optical Illusion. The chair adds a year.

[CUT TO: FINN’S LOCKER]

FINN: Uhh.

[CUT TO: CHOIR ROOM - RACHEL is in the middle of vocal warm-ups with KURT.]

RACHEL: I’m glad you asked. This year we will both be applying to a New York based performing arts school.

KURT: (coughing sarcastically) Julliard.

RACHEL: We’ll get an eclectic little apartment on the lower east side.

KURT: Think Bette and Barbara Hershey in Beaches, pre-cardiomyopathy.

RACHEL: I’ll originate a role in the new Sondheim musical, Tony by 25…

KURT: Married by 30, legally!

RACHEL: Broadway, Lincoln Center, West End, a tasteful HBO miniseries. It’s all right here in my planner, you see?

[CUT TO: SCHOOL STAIRWAY - JABOB is interviewing MERCEDES as they walk.]

JACOB: Twitter says you’re officially dating Sam Evans, A.K.A. Trouty Mouth, A.KA. Hobo McBeaver.

MERCEDES: Honey, that is so June. Yes, Sam and I dated, but his dad got a job out of state. But I’m gonna give you an exclusive. There’s a new man in Mercedes’ life now. And he’s my future plans.

[They come upon Shane.]

SHANE: I’m not only your future plans, baby. You’re gonna be a star. And when you graduate and win that first Grammy, we’re gonna make beautiful cocoa babies.

MERCEDES: Ohhh, baby, how you talk.

[CUT TO: CAFETERIA - JACOB is interviewing SANTANA.]

SANTANA: Senior year is all about being the Cheerios’ top ho and modeling my fierceness after my numero uno latina, Paula Abdul.

JACOB: Paula Abdul is an Arab. Hey, has anyone seen Quinn Fabray?

[Enter BRITTANY.]

SANTANA: (to Brittany) Hi.

BRITTANY: Hey.

[BRITTANY and SANTANA begin to walk away.]

JACOB: Oh, Brittany! What are your plans for the future?

BRITTANY: (turning around) Wait, are you working on a time machine too?

[CUT TO: FINN’S LOCKER]

FINN: I’m really excited about this year.

JACOB: Okay, cool.

[JACOB walks off to interview more people. Finn walks slowly down the hallway by himself.]

FINN (VOICEOVER): The truth is, I have no idea what I’m doing. I look around and everyone knows where they’re headed, or at least what they want. I’m lost. It’s like I can’t even remember who I am anymore.

RANDOM MALE ATHLETE: Hey!

[A bunch of guys throw slushies in FINN’S face]

RANDOM MALE ATHLETE: Taste the rainbow glee-iatch!

FINN: Now I remember.

[CUT TO: WILL AND EMMA’S APT. - They are in bed together, just waking up as the alarm rings.]

WILL: Rise and shine, sleepyhead. Guess who woke up right before I did?

EMMA: (as she gets up) I haven’t brushed yet.

[WILL and EMMA get ready for work. They eat toast for breakfast and make matching lunches for each other. They share a kiss.]

[CUT TO: CHOIR ROOM - The entire glee club is milling around.]

TINA: Mr. Schue, why are all of our trophies in the middle of the room?

BRITTANY: I was sure that our nationals trophy would grow during the summer.

WILL: I want this image burned into your mind. This is what the difference between first (he picks up a trophy) and twelfth place looks like. It’s also what it feels like.

PUCK: Are you planning on bumming us out all year long?

[They all sit down.]

WILL: No. I’m planning on pushing you harder than you’ve ever been pushed. We made it to nationals last year. This year I’m not gonna let anything or anyone stop us from winning at all. I let you down last year. I lost focus, let some Broadway pipe dream get in the way.

RACHEL: And we’re really sorry that the guy who replaced you in April Rhodes’ musical won the Tony. I mean, I can only imagine your regret.

MERCEDES: Yeah, you know what I regret? Being the laughingstock of the show-choir world.

ARTIE: And that’s saying something.

KURT: Mercedes has a point. Finn and Rachel’s “the kiss that missed” already has twenty-thousand views on Youtube, and the comments section is just full of pithy banter like “why is that T-Rex eating the Jew?”

FINN: How many times do we have to apologize for that?

RACHEL: Yeah, no more apologizing.

MIKE: The school hates us even more now.

WILL: Which is why we have to work even harder this year to recruit new members. We’re three men down.

SANTANA: Yeah, only because Puckerman couldn’t convince Zizes to stay.

[CUT TO: SCHOOL HALLWAY (FLASHBACK) - PUCK and LAUREN are walking together.]

LAUREN: What we had was hot. But after the debacle of Nationals, the Glee Club is not in my cool factor. I can’t withstand it, alright? My rep is in free-fall. Don’t be sad, we’ll always have subway.

[CUT TO: CHOIR ROOM - (end flashback)]

PUCK: She’s the one that got away - really, really slowly.

TINA: Where’s Quinn?

ARTIE: MIA. No-one’s heard from her. It’s sad, I miss her.

MERCEDES: No-one’s gonna join, Mr. Schue.

WILL: They will. All they need is a little inspiration…and I happen to have some, courtesy of Al Motta’s of Motta’s Pianos. Bring them in, guys. You guys are gonna love this.

[Three purple pianos are brought into the choir room.]

KURT: Whoah, wow, okay. If there are purple pianos involved in this, I am on board.

WILL: (sitting on a piano) These pianos were repossessed from foreclosed homes. They’re cast-offs, just like all of us. Used, in need of repairs…

TINA: But they’re still capable of making beautiful music.

WILL: Right. So Mr. Motta, as a lover of the arts, agreed to donate them to Glee. I fixed them up, painted them purple, and the Purple Piano Project was born. Now I’m going to be placing these grape-y uprights randomly throughout the school and whenever you see one, no matter what you’re doing, I want you to sing a song. Now use this assignment to attract kids who are just like you. Kids who can’t keep the music inside. Those are the kinds of additions that we need to win it all this year. (sighs) Now for many of you, this is your last year. Let’s make it special.

[CUT TO: EMMA’S OFFICE - KURT and RACHEL are sitting across from EMMA, holding hands.]

RACHEL: We have an important announcement to make.

EMMA: I thought this day might come. Really, this is the only dating combination that the Glee Club hasn’t tried.

KURT: We’re not dating.

[EMMA hands them a “ME and my HAG” pamphlet.]

RACHEL: Kurt and I will be auditioning for Julliard, the nation’s premiere performing arts school.

EMMA: That’s a very good plan, guys.

RACHEL: It’s fabulous.

EMMA: Except, Julliard doesn’t have a musical theatre department.

KURT: (very confused) Wait what?

EMMA: Have you guys thought about somewhere closer to home? Kent State has a wonderful musical theatre program…

KURT: (shaking his head) No.

EMMA: …And a macabre back-story, so if you’re having a bad day or if you don’t get the lead in the musical you can say to yourselves, you know what, things really could be worse.

RACHEL: No. No, thank-you. No-one ever became a star by playing it safe.

KURT: We’re going to New York.

EMMA: I think I have the perfect school for you. (she hands them each a booklet)

KURT: NYADA?

EMMA: New York Academy of the Dramatic Arts. US News and World Report ranked them the number one school in the nation for musical theatre. It’s really competitive - they only take about twenty students a year. But, they do a regular mixer for prospective students and this year the Mid-West’s top talent is rubbing elbows down at the Dayton Doubletree on Thursday night. You could go and check out the competish! Yay! Yay college!

[CUT TO: SUE’S OFFICE. SUE is staring at the wall. Enter BECKY, running in and handing poll results to SUE.]

BECKY: The poll numbers are in, Coach.

SUE: Close the door. Becky, the special election to fill Ken “Heart-Attack” Weigand’s congressional seat is in two months, and I am in ninth place at six percent. Well behind undecided, that rapist running from prison, and “I don’t care, please don’t call me during dinner.” I thought that people wanted a candidate who was “for” something. That’s why I took that pro-deportation stance. But the people are angry. They want a candidate who’s against something.

BECKY: What about toast? Bread’s already been baked. I don’t get why you need to cook it again.

SUE: Oh, Becky, you’re twisted genius excites me. That said, I’m on the precipice of doom. I need to find something everyone hates. (She ponders for a moment.}

[CUT TO: SCHOOL HALLWAY - TINA is playing a purple piano as MIKE dances. Enter SUE who immediately begins to destroy the piano.]

SUE: (sarcastically) Oh I’m sorry, I just realized that song might be the national anthem from whatever country you’re from.

MIKE: That’s really offensive.

[SUE continues to destroy the piano with pliers. She is visibly angry. MIKE and TINA stand back, looking shocked.]

SUE: You, know, I was really humbled when your Glee Club made my sister’s funeral so very touching. In fact, I was so moved that I have spent the entire year being nothing but kind to you people.

TINA: Today’s only the second day of school.

SUE: You have no right to disturb the learning environment of this school by playing you jangly national anthem on Liberachi’s piano.

[MIKE and TINA walk off. Enter NANCY (geometry teacher at McKinley)]

NANCY: Thank you.

SUE: You’re welcome. I have no idea who you are.

NANCY: I’m Nancy Blessman. I teach Geometry. I’ve been teaching here for forty-two years.

SUE: So awkward.

NANCY: Those artsy kids. They think they can get away with anything. People who call themselves artists think the rules don’t apply to them. It’s so arrogant. Bless you, Sue Sylvester. You got my vote.

[CUT TO: THE LIMA BEAN - KURT and BLAINE are sitting at a table, drinking coffee,]

BLAINE: You’re quiet.

KURT: No, I’m being passive aggressive. You promised that by the first day of school you’d make a decision. And yet, there you sit, cute as ever, but still in your Warbler’s blazer.

BLAINE: I just can’t bail on the Warblers. Those guys are my friends.

KURT: Okay, alright, fine, alright. One final sales pitch and then we can talk about making over Nancy Grace. If you stay at Dalton, you and I are competitors.

BLAINE: That’s true.

KURT: And I’m just not sure that our budding love can survive that.

BLAINE: We have the strength. I have to transfer because you’re just afraid that I’m gonna beat you at sectionals.

KURT: No, I’m afraid that I’m ‘a beat you. And I know what that does to you - when I win. Look I mean honestly, I just, I just wanna see you more. I want my senior year to be magic, and the only way that’s gonna happen is if I get to spend every minute of every day with you.

[BLAINE smiles and holds Kurt’s hand.]

[CUT TO: SCHOOL HALLWAY - QUINN is walking by herself, flaunting her new “bad-girl” look. Other Glee Club members look at her in shock as she passes.]

QUINN (VOICEOVER): Senior year and I’ve finally found myself. I’m not sure what the tipping point was: dyeing my hair, the nose ring, my ironic tattoo of Ryan Seacrest. But one thing I know, I’m never going back.

[CUT TO: FOOTBALL STATDIUM - SANTANA and BRITTANY are on one side of the fence, QUINN the other.]

SANTANA: Quinn, look, this is our Senior year and frankly, being on the Cheerios isn’t the same without you.

QUINN: You guys are such suckers for going back to Coach Sylvester.

SANTANA: Come on, screw her. This is for us. We could win two nationals championships this year. We joined the Cheerios together, we joined Glee Club together. We all slept with Puckerman the same year.

BRITTANY: (nodding) Mhmm.

SANTANA: We’re like besties for life.

BRITTANY: Yeah, Come on, Quinn. You know, we used to be like the Three Musketeers. And now Santana and I are like Almond Joy and you are like a Jolly Rancher that fell in the ash tray.

QUINN: You guys never understood the pressure I was under. It sucked. I’m not interested in the boys or the makeup or the polyester outfits.

SANTANA: Look, I’ve got a bar of soap and a bottle of peroxide with your name on it in my locker. Come on, Quinn, you can’t break up the Unholy Trinity.

QUINN: People grow apart. Deal with it. I’ve got new friends now, and they accept me for who I am.

[CUT TO: BEHIND THE BLEACHERS - QUINN and the SKANKS are smoking and introducing themselves.]

QUINN (VOICEOVER): We call ourselves “The Skanks.”

SHEILA: I’m Sheila.

RONNIE: I’m Ronnie.

THE MAC: They call me “The Mac” because I like to make out with truckers at the rest stop. It’s kind of a double meaning thing.

SHEILA: I once ate cat poo.

[RONNIE lights a cigarette for QUINN. Enter RACHEL.]

RACHEL: Hey Quinn. Hello, Skanks.

RONNIE: Your friend stinks of soap, Quinn.

RACHEL: We were friends once. Okay, maybe when you cut off all your hair last year and thought it would solve all your problems I should’ve spoken up. Maybe when you dropped out of society this summer and started dating that forty-year-old skateboarder I should’ve said -

QUINN: I’m not coming back to Glee Club.

RACHEL: We need you, okay? Have you seen those purple pianos around school? We’re planning this big, you know, recruiting number and it’s going to be a tribute to the Go-Go’s. I mean, who doesn’t love the Go-Go’s?

SHEILA: I prefer the Bangles.

RACHEL: Okay. We need your tremulous alto and your Belinda Carlisle glamour.

THE MAC: I’ll give you ten bucks if you let me beat her up for you, Quinn.

RACHEL: I’m sorry you’re so sad, Quinn. And maybe you’re not gonna believe me because we were never really close, but, I’m sad not seeing you in the choir room and we’ve all been through so much together. We’re a family and this is our year to get it right. We would love to have you back in the Glee Club, whenever you’re ready. Okay?

[CUT TO: NEWSROOM - An anchorman and anchorwoman are in the middle of delivering the news.]

ANCHORWOMAN: Making it the Zoo’s bloodiest weekend in over six years.

ANCHORMAN: That’s what I call, “Panda-modium.” Now, let’s hitch a ride over to Sue’s Corner, With congressional candidate Sue Sylvester.

ANCHORWOMAN: Take it away, Sue.

[The camera pans to SUE, who delivers her broadcast.]

SUE: Western Ohio, ever since the start of my campaign to replace Ken “my heart stopped beating and I died” Weigand, I’ve been trying to be positive. Well you know what, Fourth Congressional District? Unless it’s a day she’s being screened for Hepatitis, this gal’s not positive. And you know what’s getting me down, Western Ohio? The arts in public schools. Why? Because America is failing. China is on our ass, people. (cut to FIGGINS watching from his bedroom, for a moment.) This isn’t the 1960s anymore when jobs were plentiful. And it’s not personal, Will Schuester. (cut to EMMA and WILL watching from their bedroom for a moment.) The arts are expensive and we can’t afford it anymore. That’s why tonight, I’m making a pledge, Fourth Congressional District. If you honor me by electing me your representative, I will suspend all public school arts programs..

[CUT TO: WILL and EMMA’S BEDROOM]

WILL: Are you kidding me?

[CUT TO: NEWSROOM]

SUE: …and reject all State and Federal funding for the arts until every single student reads at or above grade level. Until then, parents, if you’d like your teenager to join the Glee Club or play a doorman in a boring four-hour play about what it’s like to be a middle-aged gay New-Yorker, feel free to pay for it yourself. But until Ohio’s kids can compete again, it won’t be on the tax-payer dime. And that’s how Sue sees it.

[CUT TO: WILL and EMMA’S BEDROOM - They stare wide-eyed at their TV screen.]

[CUT TO: FIGGINS’S OFFICE - SUE is standing opposite FIGGINS, who is sitting at his desk. Enter WILL.]

WILL: She can’t do this.

SUE: William, it’s important you don’t take this so personally.

WILL: First of all, Sue, you ruined a piece of private property.

SUE: (turning to FIGGINS) Allegedly.

WILL: Also, you got your facts all wrong. The arts help kids do better in school. Kids in the arts record the lowest instance of substance abuse.

SUE: Well that’s Janice Joplin.

[SUE beings to walk out of the room. She turns as WILL speaks again.]

WILL: So you see, Sue, I do take this personally. You’re not just threatening an arts program, you’re threatening my livelihood. I need job security. I’m in a relationship now. I’m thinking about starting a family.

SUE: Oh, how is it going with Emma? I’m sure everything in the bedroom is just completely normal.

WILL: Yes it…no. (he sits on the couch) It’s so frustrating. I get the green light and the red light comes just as quickly.

SUE: (sitting next to WILL) William, allow me to ladle you a piping hot bowl of “this is how it is.” I’m done swabbling with you. Okay? I’m on the national stage in the white hot stare of the public eye. You know, ever since my Sue’s Corner last night, I made tremendous gains in the polls and I’m neck-in-neck with that rapist running from prison. So I got bigger fish to fry than you and your little Glee Club. So truce for now, macaroni-hair. Oh and William? Just know - if you do anything to derail my bullet-train to power, I’ll destroy you.

[CUT TO: SUE’S OFFICE - SUE is sitting across from SANTANA and BECKY.]

SUE: Ladies, I put plastic on your chairs in anticipation of this announcement, so feel free to wet yourselves with excitement. You are my Cheerio co-captains.

BECKY: What?

SANTANA: Wait, co-captains? With - no, no way! Uh-uh.

BECKY: I can’t work with her!

SANTANA: Nah, nah, nah. See let me tell you how dis gon’ be, if I may. When I look at a person, I don’t see someone who looks a certain way or has this or that amount of chromosomes. I just see someone who I may or may not have to destroy. (turns to BECKY) So if you ever tell me what to do, I will end you.

BECKY: Bring it, sandbags.

SUE: Ladies, I am aroused. However, we have a more pressing issue at hand. There are purple pianos polluting this school, and I will seem weak if it appears I cannot control my own workspace. I want you to track down those pianos, take care of them - make it look like an accident. Santana, you like playing both sides, isn’t that right? What team you playing for this year? Losers, or winners?

SANTANA: Team Sue.

SUE: Glad to hear it.

[CUT TO: CAFETERIA - Most of the Glee Club is eating lunch together at a table. Enter RACHEL.]

RACHEL: Why are you guys ignoring Mr. Schuester’s assignment?

FINN: Wait, there’s a purple piano in here?

MERCEDES: (sarcastically) Wow, how did any of us miss that?

RACHEL: We have to do the number, okay?

ARTIE: We have to survive lunch. It’s not fair that Mr. Schue put the piano in here. It’s too much pressure.

KURT: I agree. That is like wearing a red dress to a bullfight.

RACHEL: The point of the assignment was to find people who couldn’t help but join, okay? The more people that we sing in front of, the more chances we have of getting one, okay? It’s simple mathematics.

PUCK: Which I stopped attending years ago.

FINN: No, no. Hold on. Rachel’s right. How’s anyone supposed to believe we can go to Nationals if we don’t even believe in ourselves.

RACHEL: Thank you.

[FINN nods to the drummer. They sing “We Got the Beat.” When they finish, BECKY tosses a cup of vegetables at RACHEL. Another girl throws spaghetti at PUCK.]

PUCK: Oh god, No!

JACOB: Food Fight!

[There is a large food fight in the cafeteria.]

[CUT TO: CHOIR ROOM - Everyone is covered in food.]

ARTIE: I thought slushies were bad, but spaghetti sauce in the eye is so much worse.

BRITTANY: I have pepperoni in my bra.

SANTANA: Those are your nipples.

MIKE: Mr. Schue, if you are trying to break us down to rebuild us, it’s working.

MERCEDES: Not one single person was inspired by our hot lunch jam to try out, Mr. Schue.

[Enter Sugar.]

SUGAR: It’s true. You guys sucked ass.

RACHEL: I’m sorry, and you are?

SUGAR: I’m Sugar Motta, and I have self-diagnosed Aspergers so i can pretty much say whatever I want. I’m like a diplomat’s daughter.

WILL: How can we help you, Sugar?

SUGAR: Here’s the deal. I’m awesome, and I want to be a big, big star. And when I saw you guys singing and dancing in the cafeteria, I thought, “I am so much better than you.” Sorry, Aspergers.

WILL: Well, great! You see guys, you have inspired an audition. Good job! Sugar, why don’t you show us what you can do. Take your time, whenever you’re ready.

KURT: (in a whisper) Sugar Motta. Why does that name sound familiar?

MERCEDES: Oh, her Dad is the rich dude that donated the purple pianos.

SUGAR: Get ready to taste some sweet ear candy. (turns to BRAD) Hit it, hottie.

[SUGAR sings and dances to “Big Spender.” Everyone is cringing during the performance.]

ARTIE: Her ears should get to park in the handicapped spot.

WILL: Holy…shhhh-ugar!

SUGAR: Text me, RE: the rehearsal sched.

WILL: Of course.

RACHEL: Mr. Schue, stop speaking. Okay, uh Sugar - we’ll be in touch. Thank you. Bye. (SUGAR leaves the room.) Okay - I think I speak for everyone when I say “never gonna happen.”

WILL: Guys, I know she was…a little rough, but we have always had the policy that everyone who tries out gets in.

RACHEL: You’re not doing her any good sheltering Sugar from the truth, okay? High school is where you learn it’s survival of the fittest. She’s gonna drag the New Directions down, and that’s not fair for those of us who don’t want to spend our lives rotting in this insignificant town. You said the other day that you would do anything to get us to Nationals, okay? And she is gonna keep us from winning that elusive crown. If anything, she is gonna kill all of our chances.

[CUT TO - TEACHER’S LOUNGE - WILL is eating lunch with BEISTE.]

WILL: I just can’t look a kid in the eye and say “you’re not good enough to be in Glee Club.”

BEISTE: Was she that bad?

WILL: Sugar Motta was just, (sighs) awful. I mean I have never seen someone with so little musical talent. But, that shouldn’t have anything to do with being a part of a club.

BEISTE: So make her water-boy or mascot or something. That’s what I do with my hardest luck cases. You know how many guys I cut last week? Sixty. And all of them with big dreams, and I crushed them, like pigs in a blanket. (makes squealing noise)

WILL: How? Doesn’t that just eat you up.

BEISTE: Of course. But it’s my job to put the guys I take in the best position to win. It’s the same as you!

WILL: The arts are different than football.

BEISTE: You win Nationals this year, you’re buying that Glee Club ten more years.

[Enter EMMA.]

EMMA: Curveball. Sue just passed “undecided” and “anyone white” in the polls. Looks like her anti-arts platform is actually working.

BEISTE: Maybe I should rough her up a little bit - go all deliverance on her or something, huh?

WILL: No, this is my fight. It’s my program she wants to cut. It’s my kids.

BEISTE: What’re you gonna do?

WILL: Something I should’ve done a long time ago. If Sue wants to declare war on the arts, well General Schuester is about to launch a counter-offensive.

EMMA: So this is what being turned on feels like.

[CUT TO: AUDITORIUM - KURT and RACHEL are standing just in front of the stage.]

RACHEL: It all seems so hopelessly provincial now. I mean, once you’ve performed on the stage of the Gershwin Theatre and felt the lights of Broadway on your face for the first time…

KURT: Nothing else compares.

RACHEL: What’s the purple piano doing here?

[They walk onto the stage.]

KURT: Well, I commandeered it to help us get ready for our NYADA mixer. Whatever rejects show up at that place are gonna be expecting Peppridge Farm cookies and punch, not a Velma and Roxie. We need to intimidate those wannabes into never wanting to audition against us.

RACHEL: Genius!

[Kurt pulls out two witches hats.]

RACHEL: Wicked again?

KURT: No. Before there was wicked there was -

RACHEL: (gasps) Don’t even finish that sentence. (points to the band) Hit it!

[KURT and RACHEL perform “Ding, Dong! The Witch is Dead.”]

RACHEL: (after they finish the number) Those kids are never gonna even know what hit them!

[CUT TO: GYM - SUE is sitting at a table with SANTANA and BECKY on either side, set up for Cheerios try-outs.]

SUE: Ladies, the key to successful Cheerios try-outs is in brutal honesty. Well actually, maybe just brutality, as I have no intention of bringing anyone new in. I just basically wanna see people cry. Hit it!

[Snippets of students trying out are shown.]

BECKY: Terrible

SANTANA: What is wrong with you?

BECKY: Next.

[Enter WILL and EMMA. WILL is holding a bucket of glitter.]

SUE: Well, well, well. Wavy Gravy, Dr. Zaius. To what do I owe this pleasure?

[EMMA begins recording video with a camcorder. WILL approaches SUE and tosses glitter all over her as he speaks.]

WILL: Candidate Sylvester. I think you could use a bit of showbiz sparkle. Every tiny grain of this glitter represents a kid whose dream won’t come true if you get elected and end school arts programs. John F. Kennedy once said the arts are the roots of our culture. The arts enrich our lives and help kids achieve in all walks of life. Sue Sylvester (he empties the rest of the bucket over her head), you just got glitter-bombed. (turns to EMMA) You get that?

[WILL and EMMA exit in a hurry.]

SUE: Becky, I need the two of you to escort me to my hyperbaric chamber, as I have glitter in my eyes.

[CUT TO: SCHOOL HALLWAY - BLAINE is walking by himself, adjusting his bowtie. He approaches KURT, who is at his locker.]

BLAINE: Hey you.

KURT: Aren’t you a sight for these sore eyes.

BLAINE: Bad day?

[They leave Kurt’s locker to walk down the hallway.]

KURT: (sighs) Bad week, more like it. Wait, what are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be at a Warbler practice? You know, putting the fine-tuning touches on a new Katy Perry showstopper.

BLAINE: Okay, for someone who loves clothes so much, I can’t believe you haven’t noticed that I’m not in my Warbler outfit.

[They pause at the end of the hallway.]

KURT: Wait, wait. (hugs BLAINE.) Wait, wait, you didn’t do this for me, did you? Because if you did this for me it would be very romantic for one but it could lead to resentment which could lead to anger which could lead to a horrible, horrible, nasty breakup like you know on the bachelorette have you watched that episode -

BLAINE: Hey, hey. I came here for me because I can’t stand to be apart form the person I love.

KURT: Well, I guess we’ll just have to find a way to ease you into the New Directions now, huh?.

BLAINE: I already have that figured out.

[He performs “It’s Not Unusual” in the courtyard with the Cheerios. At the end, the Cheerios pour gas from flasks all over the purple piano. Quinn drops her cigarette onto the piano and it catches fire.]

[CUT TO: DAYTON DOUBLETREE - RACHEL and KURT are walking towards the room where the NYADA applicant mixer is being held.]

RACHEL: Okay, so you’re going to set-up the props, I’ll plug-in the boom-box and we’ll launch immediately into the number. Our somewhat talented but sadly delusional competition will just rip up their applications in fits of jealous rage. (pointing to the “NYADA applicants” sign.) Ohh there it is!

KURT: And they’ll all just melt away like the Wicked Witch of the West herself!

RACHEL: You know what? I kinda feel sorry for them…

KURT: Me too.

[They enter the ballroom. As they look around, they are stunned to find other kids who look strikingly like themselves. They are immediately approached by a few of the other applicants.]

HARMONY: Hi! I’m Harmony. What’s your name, where are you from and what are your credits?

RACHEL: Well, I’m Rachel -

[A few others approach them.]

HENDLESON: I’m Hendleson.

CANADA: I’m Canada.

GAVROCHE: I’m Gavroche, named after the feisty French street urchin from Les Mis.

HARMONY: I know you totally recognize me. It’s ‘cause I’m the Gerber baby. I’ve been acting since I was a fetus. Literally. An ultrasound of me was featured on “Murder She Wrote.” (laughs.)

GAVROCHE: I’m starring as Rizzo in an all-male production of Grease. Welcome, welcome, welcome!

[GAVROCHE takes KURT by the hand and drags him towards the small stage at the front of the room.]

GAVROCHE: As my future husband, Robert Pattinson always says “it’s refreshing to get new blood.”

KURT: New blood?

[HARMONY, RACHEL, and some of the other applicants follow. RACHEL and KURT sit down facing the stage.]

HARMONY: We’ve been meeting here each month since we were freshman. Literally.

RACHEL: Well actually, Kurt and I just found out about this on Monday, but speaking of refreshing, we put together a number that we just think you’re gonna -

[HARMONY ignores what RACHEL is saying and claps to get everyone’s attention.]

HARMONY: Places! You’re just in time to see a little number we’ve been fussin’ around with. Thank God there was a Bar Mitzvah here on Saturday and I convinced them not to strike the stage. So sit back, relax, and most importantly, enjoy.

RACHEL: Thank you.

[KURT and RACHEL flash fake smiles as the other applicants take the stage for their number.]

KURT: (through his teeth) Oh my God.

RACHEL: (in a low, nervous tone) I know. Just breathe and smile. Just because they look like us and act like us doesn’t mean they’re better than us.

[HARMONY and the other NYADA applicants perform “Anything Goes/Anything You Can Do.” RACHEL and KURT watch, stunned.]

[CUT TO: RACHEL’S CAR - RACHEL and KURT are fighting off tears.]

RACHEL: I’ve never, I’ve never been so humiliated in my life.

KURT: Me either. And that’s a really high bar.

RACHEL: I mean they were so, ughhh.

KURT: Fabulous. Rachel, we might be hot stuff at McKinley but outside those walls, we aren’t even stuff. Have we been so deluded and arrogant? What if we’re not good enough to make it?

RACHEL: No. There’s only one thing to do. We just have to move to another town and just erase our identities and just resign to a sad life of community theatre.

KURT: Don’t say that.

RACHEL: Nunsense, Love Letters, The Vagina Monologues. Face it - I mean this is our future. Not everyone’s dreams come true.

KURT: You know what? I am ending this pity party right now, okay? Take a look at yourself. (adjusts the rear-view mirror for RACHEL.) What do you see? C’mon.

RACHEL: Sad, puffy, red eyes filled with dashed hopes and dreams.

KURT: Rachel Berry. One of a kind. There’s no-one like you.

RACHEL: Well, that’s actually kind of funny because it seems like there is.

KURT: Okay, fine. So you’ve never been in a high school production, or any production because Cabaret was canceled and so was Rocky Horror Show.

RACHEL: They have credits, Kurt. In utero credits.

KURT: Okay, so they have more experience. They have more talent. But you are fierce, Rachel. Your ambition does push-ups while you sleep. Nobody wants it more than you. Nobody. And you’re not giving up on this. ‘Cause I’m not gonna let you. You are getting into that school.

RACHEL: You make me wanna be your boyfriend. You’re getting in too. I know it.

KURT: I doubt it. I’m woefully thin on extra-curriculars.

RACHEL: It’s not too late. I mean, you can still sign up for some clubs. There’s the student council. I’m not the only fierce one. Swear it. We’re gonna do this.

[KURT smiles. They link pinkies, do a silly handshake and laugh.]

KURT: You realize we just did the gay high-five.

RACHEL: Yeah, we did.

[CUT TO: WILL and EMMA’S BEDROOM - The alarm sounds. It’s six A.M. and they are just waking up.]

EMMA: Rise and shine, sleepyhead. Come on.

[CUT TO - WILL and EMMA’S KITCHEN - They are dressed and making lunches.]

WILL: I don’t want to go to school today.

EMMA: I know.

WILL: It’s the right thing to do for the club - the greater good. I just can’t kill a kid’s dream. I can’t do it.

EMMA: Will, you glitter-bombed Sue. This week you stopped being a man of words, and you became a man of action. And it was super hot.

[They kiss.]

[CUT TO: SUGAR’S LOCKER - WILL and SUGAR are in the middle of a conversation.]

SUGAR: Obviously your ears are busted, ‘cause I worked that song like a hooker pole. It’s no biggie, I’ll come in and I’ll do it again.

WILL: Sugar I’m sorry. You can’t sing. The answer is no. But I love your enthusiasm and I’d be so happy to work with you so-

SUGAR: You know what? Who cares what you think. Hmm? Nobody. You’re a washed up Broadway wannabe who’s stuck in Lima and has lead the Glee Club to how many national wins? Oh, I’m sorry. Zero. None. Aspergers.

[SUGAR storms off. Enter SUE.]

SUGAR: Nicely played, William. You know, I have to say, I’m really enjoying this new stink of man-marbles wafting off of you this year.

WILL: I did not enjoy doing that, Sue.

SUE: Oh, I’m not talking about that, I’m talking about your little pixie-dust hate crime. You know it took Becky three hours to pick the glitter from my scalp like a little chimp?

WILL: Good. I hope it taught you a lesson.

SUE: It did, Will. It taught me that everyone loves a martyr. The day after your little video went up on Youtube, I went up seven points in the polls! Turns out your hate is a lot like high-octane Sue fluid.

[SUE gives WILL pat on the shoulder and walks off.]

[CUT TO: CHOIR ROOM. The glee club is sitting. Enter WILL and BLAINE.]

WILL: Ladies and Gentleman, let’s hear it for Glee Club’s newest member, Blaine Anderson.

BLAINE: Thanks so much, everyone. I’m so thrilled to be here. It’s gonna be a great year, I can feel it. We’re all gonna go to nationals!

[Lukewarm applause.]

WILL: Is there a problem, guys?

FINN: I just want Blaine to know that we’re not the Warblers. You know, we’re not into the bells and whistles or the ball-hogging.

[BLAINE sits with the rest of the club.]

BLAINE: I’m sorry, did I do something wrong?

FINN: Well yeah, you set a bonfire in our courtyard.

SANTANA: Actually, doorknob, that was an act of political protest.

WILL: Which leads me to the next order of business. Santana, you need to leave. It was you and the Cheerios who set fire to our piano. How could you do that?

SANTANA: Mr. Schue, Sue made me.

WILL: Brittany didn’t do it.

BRITTANY: Well yeah, I was gonna help, but I dunno, I’m the watersign, so…

WILL: You’re banned from Glee. Don’t come back unless you can be as loyal to this club as the rest of the people in this room.

[WILL holds out an arm to the door, indicating that SANTANA should leave. SANTANA gets up to walk out.]

SANTANA: You know what? I could use a break.

MERCEDES: You know, good for you, Mr. Schue. It’s about time we got some allegiance up in here.

WILL: I said it before and I will say it again. If we want to win Nationals this year, we need to be united. Rachel, you had an announcement?

[RACHEL gets up to address the club.]

RACHEL: Yeah. Umm, after pushing the envelope last year, I strongly believe that we should secure the rights to a, shall we say, less controversial show for our school musical. Wait for it…West Side Story!

BRITTANY: Is that the one with the cats?

RACHEL: And it just so happens to have a lead role that showcases my talents and essence perfectly: Maria.

MERCEDES: For which there will be open auditions, right? Because Mercedes is feeling extremely pretty this year.

WILL: Kurt, you had something too, right?

[RACHEL sits back down. KURT rises.]

KURT: Kurt Hummel is wading into McKinley High’s shark-infested political waters and running for senior class president. I thank you in advance for your votes.

WILL: Okay. So much excitement. Now, lets rehearse.

TINA: Look at what they did to us, Mr. Schue. Just like these purple pianos, they ripped out our guts, threw crap all over us and burned us up.

WILL: Yeah, we got hit pretty hard. But, (he pushes a few piano keys,) these pianos are still making music, and so are we.

RACHEL: Mr. Schue, as always, you and I are on the exact same page.

[RACHEL approaches the front of the room. BRAD plays the piano as RACHEL begins a number.]

[CUT TO: AUDITORIUM - The glee club rehearses “You Can’t Stop the Beat.” When they finish, they are all smiling and clapping.]

[END.]

3x02 - I Am Unicorn

Wed, 23 Nov 2011 16:51:00 -0500

Airdate: September 27, 2011

Written by: Ryan Murphy
Directed by: Brad Falchuk
Transcribed by: sometimesyoudo

Featured Music:

Somewhere from West Side Story. Sung by Shelby and Rachel.
I Am The Greatest Star from Funny Girl. Sung by Kurt.
Something’s Coming from West Side Story. Sung by Blaine.

—

INTRO: So here’s what you missed on Glee: Quinn’s got a new look and a new crowd of skanks. Kurt got Blaine to join the New Directions, which is good because Santana got kicked out and Sugar Motta wasn’t good enough to get in. McKinley’s doing West Side Story and Kurt and Rachel need the leads so that they can get into NYADA. Sue’s using her run for Congress to come after the arts - believe it or not, still not a big fan of the Glee Club. And that’s what you missed, on Glee!

[KURT is at his locker, adjusting his hair and clothing in the mirror. BRITTANY approaches him.]

BRITTANY: I really like your outfit. And I think you’re like, fabulous and I just love everything that you do.

KURT: Why thank you, Britt!

BRITTANY: Okay, I really want to run your campaign for president. Out of all of the kids at this school, I think that you are the biggest unicorn.

KURT: I’m sorry?

BRITTANY: Well, when a pony does a good deed, he gets a horn and he becomes a unicorn and then he poops out cotton candy until he forgets he’s magical. And then his horn falls off. And, black unicorns - they become zebras.

KURT: Oh, that’s - that’s a terrifying story.

[They leave KURT’s locker and begin walking down the hallway.]

BRITTANY: No it’s not. No, okay, no. The point is, is that a unicorn is somebody who knows they’re magical and isn’t afraid to show it. You went through hell last year and you never forgot how special you were. And, I slept with a lot of people and I’m really popular so I think I could get you mega votes.

KURT: Then why don’t you just run.

BRITTANY: I’m not smart enough.

[CUT TO: CLASSROOM (FLASHBACK) - BRITTANY is sitting next to SANTANA.]

TEACHER: What’s the capital of Ohio?

[BRITTANY raises her hand.]

TEACHER: Brittany.

BRITTANY: “O”

TEACHER: What? Do you even know who the president is?

BRITTANY: Will.i.am.

[The class laughs.]

[CUT BACK TO: SCHOOL HALLWAY - BRITTANY and KURT are still walking together.]

KURT: Well Britt, I have to say that I’m flattered and really excited.

BRITTANY: Cool. Okay I’ll come over after school and we’ll work on your campaign posters. I got a lot of great ideas.

KURT: Great, great. I’ll see you then!

BRITTANY: (to herself) Sweet.

[CUT TO: CHOIR ROOM - The kids are milling around. Enter WILL.]

WILL: Alright, New Directions.

[WILL claps his hands once as a call to order, the kids sit and settle down.]

WILL: Big news. As you all know, Vocal Adrenaline came in second last year at nationals.

FINN: The only good thing to come out of that lost weekend. (RACHEL lightly hits FINN.) Besides us getting back together.

WILL: Well, the boosters at Carmel don’t donate tens of thousands of dollars every year to come in second, so they fired Dustin Goolsby.

ARTIE: So handsome.

WILL: And they’re having trouble finding a new coach. It seems that no-one wants to take on that pressure cooker.

TINA: That means they’re vulnerable.

WILL: Yes, and if we work hard enough, we can beat them. Which is why I realize that, umm, I can’t direct the musical this year.

RACHEL: No, Mr. Schue, you can’t cancel the musical. My New York dreams depend on it.

WILL: I’m not canceling it. I’m just not directing it. My sole focus has to be in here. Nationals, Nationals, Nationals! And it’s not just me that’s gonna have to focus harder this year. I’ve been too easy on you, so everyday after choir practice I am instituting a mandatory Booty Camp (he writes “Booty Camp” on the whiteboard) so that we can work on our dancing. Now, it’s not for all of you. Just the people that I think need help. Like -

FINN: (shaking his head) FINN

WILL: How did you know? And Puckerman, Hummel.

KURT: I must protest.

MIKE: You kinda have one move, Kurt. It’s like this sashay, (he demonstrates) and it’s super distracting.

WILL: Jones.

MERCEDES: What? Hell to the nizzy - no.

WILL: You told me once that you were Beyonce. You don’t think she spends extra time in the dance studio? Mike Chang has offered to be my assistant and we start tomorrow and yes, Puckerman (PUCK is raising his hand), it is mandatory.

BLAINE: Mr. Schuester, would you mind if I dropped by for a little bit. I really need to catch up with you guys.

RACHEL: Okay, Mr. Schue, I’m glad that you’re so concerned with our special-needs members, but what about me. Okay, who’s gonna direct the musical?

WILL: Ladies and gentleman, your co-musical directors. Ms. Pillsbury and Coach Beiste.

[Enter BEISTE and EMMA. RACHEL is biting her lip and shaking her head.]

WILL: Now, Ms. Pillsbury did such a good job helping me out with Rocky Horror last year that I knew she could handle the job.

BEISTE: And I’m here to keep the football guys in line and I’ve also talked them into playing the Jets.

RACHEL: Mr. Schue, with all due respect to Ms. Pillsbury and Coach Beiste, this is crazy - they have absolutely zero experience in directing a musical.

BEISTE: Not true: In college I was in “A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum. I played the forum.

WILL: The teachers at this school are already overworked and unfortunately a lot of them agree with Sue that the arts are a waste of time. Besides, they are gonna have some help. I have decided to include a student director this year.

RACHEL: Mr. Schue, I’m honored, but Barbra was forty when she directed herself in Yentl so it’s just, it’s too soon.

BRITTANY: (to RACHEL) I hate you.

WILL: I was actually hoping that Artie would take the job.

ARTIE. Me? I’ve developed my whole persona around conflict avoidance.

TINA: Come on, Artie. You’ve made short films. Directing is your dream. You can do it.

[Everyone nods at Artie in encouragement.]

ARTIE: I’m in.

WILL: Alright. That’s what I like to hear, buddy.

[Everyone claps.]

[CUT TO: TEACHER’S LOUNGE - WILL is making coffee. Shelby walks up behind him. WILL turns when he hears her voice.]

SHELBY: You still make a mean cup of coffee?

WILL: Shelby. What are you-? What are you doing here?

[SHELBY laughs and hugs WILL.]

SHELBY: It’s a teacher’s lounge, isn’t it? It’s where all the teachers hang out.

WILL: (confused) Yeah…

SHELBY: (as she pours coffee) I’m a teacher here now. Well, part-time. Every year this guy named Al Motta -

[CUT TO: FIGGINS OFFICE (FLASHBACK) - FIGINNS is at his desk. SHELBY and MR. MOTTA are sitting across from him. SUGAR is sitting in her father’s lap.]

FIGGINS: Mr. Motta, just so I’m clear - in exchange for this very generous donation, all I have to do is hire Ms. Cocoran to start a second show choir at McKinley which features your daughter?

MR. MOTTA: For which I will cover any and all expenses. My Sugar’s a supernova, Figgie.

FIGGINS: You have a deal. (begins shouting into the next room) Mr. Danny Brown, Mr. Motta has just ended our toilet paper shortage with this enormous check. Wipe away!

[CUT BACK TO: TEACHER’S LOUNGE - (end flashback)]

SHELBY: They actually sent a headhunter to track me down in New York. Apparently, I am the best show choir director money can buy. (laughs.) Don’t worry, I’m not going to poach any of your kids.

WILL: I’m less worried about that than about the fact that you being here is going to be really hard for Rachel.

SHELBY: I appreciate that. I plan on reaching out to her.

WILL: What about Puck and Quinn?

SHELBY: Lima is where I made a series of mistakes that defined me for sixteen years. Lima’s where I have to make things right again. I know that seems impossible, but I have to try.

WILL: Okay. I will take you at your word. But as for your little glee club? The more arts at this school, the better. So, may the best glee club win.

[SHELBY gets up to leave and shakes hands with WILL.]

SHELBY: We will.

[CUT TO: GIRLS’ BATHROOM - QUINN is there with the SKANKS. THE MAC is dunking a small girl’s head in a toilet.]

QUINN: Give us your lunch money.

RONNIE: We’re hungry, we need something to barf back up.

SHEILA: Don’t test me. I was a foster kid. Which means I’m used to stabbing people.

[SHEILA extends a plastic spork in a threatening manner. The small girl flinches and gasps before handing over her lunch money.]

SMALL GIRL: You’re so mean.

THE MAC: That’s right. It’s what passed for love in my house.

[The small girl runs out of the bathroom crying. SHEILA continues to threaten her with the plastic spork. Enter SUE.]

SUE: Skanks. I got to talk to that lady, alone. (she points to QUINN.)

[The SKANKS leave. QUINN attempts to light a cigarette before Sue takes it away.]

SUE: First of all, smoking kills. Second, it really does make you look cooler, doesn’t it?

QUINN: Sorry Coach, but you have no power over me anymore because I’ve got nothing left to lose.

SUE: Oh, cute. I look at you and I’m stunned. You’ve never looked worse. You lost your child, your boyfriend, your rep, and worse - your high pony. You know who I blame? The Glee Club. You know, when you were in my grasp you were at the top of the pyramid, but then you joined the Glee Club and became lost, forced to sway in the background. Will Schuester never did appreciate the gentle tremble of your thin, forgettable alto.

QUINN: Thanks. (she gathers her money, puts it on the sink.)

SUE: What if i were to offer you the chance to get revenge on the Glee Club and become a star? My congressional campaign is producing a video: a day in the life of a girl from whom the arts stole everything. I think I found my girl.

QUINN: First, a few demands. I need thrift store couches under the bleachers. I’ve realized that after smoking all day, it hurts to stand.

SUE: Fair enough. Quinn Fabray, you have a deal. (she takes the money laying on the sink and leaves QUINN alone in the bathroom.)

[CUT TO: KURT’S BEDROOM - BRITTANY and KURT are standing in front of the bed. There are pink posters and unicorn hats everywhere.]

BRITTANY: Okay. We’re going to make 100,000 copies of each poster. And then, we’ll give each student a swag bag full of this (she shows him a bunch of trinkets). We’re going to call it Kurt Hummel’s bulging pink funsack.

KURT: I - you know I don’t know what to say.

BRITTANY: That happens to me all the time. My lips move but only dust comes out.

KURT: You know, I appreciate the enthusiasm but, you know what? It’s just all wrong. I think it’s just, you know, a tad too -

BRITTANY: Unicorn?

KURT: Gay. I feel like I might as well have a big neon sign above my head that says “Gay diddy gay di gay gay gay.”

BRITTANY: I mean, I’m gonna need a long extension cord but I love it!

KURT: I’m joking.

BRITTANY: Well next time you make a joke nudge me in the ribs or like, honk a horn or something.

KURT: Look, I don’t just want to be know has Kurt Hummel: Homo.

BRITTANY: What’s wrong with that? Look - 99% of the kids at school are either freaks or closet freaks. The captain of the football squad - he gets the job, but he doesn’t represent the people. That’s why we need a unicorn.

KURT: And I agree with the sentiment. I just want something, you know, toned down a tad. I came up with a campaign poster too. Okay?

BRITTANY: Okay.

[KURT takes out his campaign poster and shows it to BRITTANY.]

KURT: Ta-da! It’s understated, yet elegant. Inspired, of course, by the classic Blackglama fur coat ads. Rumor has it that Judy Garland, down on her luck and thin as a baby bird, stole her Blackglama mink coat after her photo shoot. And it wasn’t even lined yet.

BRITTANY: You should tell that story during your campaign speech. It’s like…so unicorn.

[CUT TO: SCHOOL HALLWAY - PUCK and QUINN are walking together.]

QUINN: I don’t have time for this. I gotta meet the Skanks on the roof. Gonna throw ketchup-covered tampons on the marching band.

[They stand in the doorway of SHELBY’s classroom. SHELBY gets up from her piano to greet them. QUINN and PUCK enter the room. ]

QUINN: (to SHELBY) You’re back.

SHELBY: Yeah, I went to New York. Thought I’d do it all, the whole working mother thing. But, when I was in rehearsal, even performing, I couldn’t stop thinking about Beth. How I could miss her milestones, you know? Her first steps, first words, first -

QUINN: I get it.

SHELBY: So, when I got this job offer I couldn’t refuse. I’d missed so many firsts in Rachel’s life, I was not about to do that with Beth.

QUINN: Neat story, but I’m late for a meeting on the roof.

[QUINN turns to leave.]

PUCK: (grabbing her arm) Quinn, just listen to her.

SHELBY: Wait, look. Since the day that I gave Rachel up for adoption I have been walking through life, searching for her face everywhere I go - imagining what she’s doing, what she may be like. I don’t want you to go through what I went through. Part of me is back here because I want you to get to know Beth. I want you to be a part of her life.

QUINN: When do i get to see her?

SHELBY: Are you okay? What’s going on with you? Are you even in Glee anymore?

QUINN: Did you come here just to torment me with the idea of seeing my child?

SHELBY: Look. I want you to be a part of Beth’s life, but not like this. If you’re really serious about Beth, clean up your act.

QUINN: You think you can tell me what to do, just because you signed a couple of papers? You’re not her mom. I’m her mom.

PUCK: Quinn.

[Quinn holds an arm up to silence PUCK.]

QUINN: Me. So you can pretend all you want but that is something you are never going to be.

[QUINN walks out. PUCK and SHELBY share sad looks]

[CUT TO: CHOIR ROOM - People are warming up for Booty Camp.]

MERCEDES: Listen, Mr. Schue. I am all for participating, but Shane says I’m more of a “park and bark,” and I tend to agree.

FINN: A what and what?

MERCEDES: Park and Bark. I stand center-stage singing the notes no-one else can while all of you guys dance around me.

WILL: Booty Camp is about all of you dancing, Mercedes. In unison. I mean, look at Vocal Adrenaline. When they’re in sync - one big, terrifying machine - they’re unstoppable. Mike, do you’re thing. Let’s go.

MIKE: The jazz square, the grapevine, the step-touch, the kick-ball-change, and pivot. We perfect these basics, we’ll win Nationals. Grapevine to the right: 5, 6, 7, 8.

[Music plays, they being to dance. (looking clumsy)]

WILL: Keep it going.

PUCK: (in time with the beat) I. Am. In. Hell.

KURT: I’m going to put my light under a bushel, if only to shine brighter for the auditions tomorrow.

BLAINE: I’m still trying to decide between “Maria” and “Something’s Coming.”

KURT: Those are Tony’s songs. Are you auditioning for Tony too?

BLAINE: Would that be weird?

KURT: No, no, not at all. You’d be a great Tony. You’d be the perfect Tony, actually, in some respects.

MIKE: Finn, you look like you’re stepping on bees. Come on, Mercedes, blend!

BLAINE: Well, except, I’m a junior. Tony is the lead, which means that a senior should probably play that part.

KURT: Yeah, that is kind of how it works, huh?

BLAINE: I mean, I’d be fine with Bernardo or Officer Krupke as long is it was opposite your Tony.

WILL: Kurt, jazz hands!

KURT: Fine!

[CUT TO: AUDITORIUM - RACHEL is doing vocal warm-ups with BRAD. Enter SHELBY.]

SHELBY: Your range is better. It was impressive a year and a half ago, but it’s even better now.

RACHEL: This is a private rehearsal.

SHELBY: What song are you auditioning with?

RACHEL: That’s none of your business, okay? If you’ve come here to ask me to join your little group, the answer is no. My loyalty is to the New Directions. They’re my family and family means something. At least to me.

SHELBY: Rachel, like we talked about before, I’m your birthmother.

RACHEL: Okay, but not my mother. I know, okay? I almost had to go to therapy because of you.

SHELBY: Rachel…

RACHEL: Look, I’ll be polite, okay? Don’t worry. If i see you in the halls, I’ll make eye contact and I’ll nod. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to my rehearsal.

SHELBY: Somewhere There’s a Place for Us.

RACHEL: I just said that there wasn’t.

SHELBY: I’m talking about the song. I played Maria eighteen times. “Somewhere” is the perfect audition song for you. You should do it.

RACHEL: Well I was considering it, but it’s a very challenging song, so I was just going to do “I Feel Pretty,” which I’m actually amazing at.

SHELBY: You are never going to be a star or get the lead if you play it safe. Try it.

[RACHEL and SHELBY sing “Somewhere There’s a Place for Us.” The number ends cutting to RACHEL’S audition. BEISTE, EMMA, and ARTIE clap enthusiastically. RACHEL smiles and laughs.]

[CUT TO: SUE’S CAMPAIGN COMMERCIAL - QUINN is standing by a dirty stairwell.]

SUE (VOICEOVER): Quinn Fabray used to be on top of the world. She had it all, but now she walks the hallways of McKinley High broken, alone. What happened, Quinn Fabray?

[CUT TO: SCHOOL HALLWAY - QUINN is being followed by a camera crew, including BECKY. They are filming the campaign ad]

QUINN: (shaking her head) I got involved in the arts.

SUE (VOICE): And now, after a long day of snorting Splenda and cutting class, she kills the pain the only way she knows how - smoking cornstarch.

QUINN: Wait, what?

BECKY: Cut. The dummy could not remember her lines, Coach.

[CUT TO: WILL’S OFFICE - They are still filming. WILL is sitting at his desk. Enter SUE, QUINN, and BECKY.]

SUE: Now remember, just like we rehearsed it.

QUINN: Mr. Schuester, I came here to give you a piece of my mind.

WILL: What’s going on here?

SUE: Rolling.

QUINN: I used to have everything: dated the quarterback of the football team, was the captain of the cheerios. I was the prettiest, most popular girl at this school until I joined Glee Club. And then it all went to hell.

SUE: This is campaign dynamite.

QUINN: I just want you to know that I am never coming back to Glee Club, ever. Do you understand? I hope you’re happy.

WILL: Ms. Fabray. Wait. You know, there’s only one person in this world that you care about. And that’s yourself.

QUINN: (shouting) You have no idea -

[WILL slams his fist on his desk.]

WILL: I’m not finished. You’re not a little girl anymore, Quinn. How long do you plan on playing the victim card? You know, since day one you have done nothing but sabotage the same Glee Club that has been there for you over and over again. When you got pregnant. When your parents kicked you out. Mercedes even let you live at her house and I don’t recall ever hearing so much as a thank-you. So now you’re a train-wreck. Well, congratulations. But you stride into my office and tell me that it’s my fault? Well then, I have something to say to you. Grow up. (QUINN leaves.) Would you turn that thing off?

SUE: And cut. Fantastic! I got - oh, no damnit! My finger was over the thingy. I didn’t get any of that. Come on, Becky.

BECKY: (to WILL) That was really sexy.

[CUT TO: SHELBY’S HOME - She is doing dishes. The doorbell rings. She looks through the peephole before opening the door. It’s PUCK.]

PUCK: Hey. I hope it’s okay that I just stopped by.

SHELBY: How do you know where I live?

PUCK: Umm…I have friends in law enforcement.

SHELBY: Noah. I told you - I want you to be a part of Beth’s life, but on my terms. You can’t just barge in on me like this.

PUCK: Here’s your drug test. See? Totally clean. I also haven’t had a drink since we talked. Besides beer…I even did some homework! Turns out Napoleon - not just a dessert, he was a real dude.

SHELBY: (smiling) Well that is great. Honestly, I’m truly impressed, but having a relationship with a child isn’t about little bursts of energy. This is a long term commitment.

[Beth starts crying.]

SHELBY: Oh, she’s awake. Okay sweetie, it’s okay. Come here. (she picks up Beth from the crib) Okay, that’s it.

[SHELBY comforts the baby, PUCK watches.]

PUCK: Oh my God, she looks like Quinn.

SHELBY: And you. She has that same dopey smile.

PUCK: I was happy, you know, that she was with you. It made it easier. (he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a drawing.) I drew her a picture. It’s supposed to be a clown, but it kinda turned out like a pig, so I call it a clown-pig. It’s kind of my own made-up animal.

SHELBY: (to Beth) Look what he drew!

[PUCK hangs his drawing on SHELBY’S fridge.]

PUCK: I thought it might make her think of me. You don’t think it’ll scare her, do you?

SHELBY: (laughing) No, she’ll be okay. She’s tough. Do you want to hold her?

[PUCK approaches SHELBY and Beth, then hesitates.]

PUCK: I don’t want to freak her out.

SHELBY: We’ll work up to it.

PUCK: I’ll do anything, anything to prove to you that I can be in her life. Please just give me that chance.

[CUT TO: AUDITORIUM - BEISTE is lowering ARTIE into a chair in the audience between herself and EMMA. They are doing auditions for the musical.]

BEISTE: Here you go, buddy.

ARTIE: Thanks, Coach. She’s like my own private Jim Henson. Next!

[KURT walks to centerstage.]

KURT: Hello, I’m Kurt Hummel, and I’ll be auditioning for Tony, the male lead.

EMMA: That’s great, Kurt.

KURT: I’ll be performing the seminal, and in my case, semi-autobiographical Broadway classic “I am the Greatest Star” from Funny Girl.

BEISTE: Isn’t that a Streisand song?

KURT: I know what you’re thinking, but I got written permission from the woman herself - Ms. Rachel Berry. And, I’d also like to thank Cashes from my dad’s tire shop, for kindly constructing my audition scaffolding.

ARTIE: Okay, whenever you’re ready.

[KURT auditions with “I am the Greatest Star.” He finishes to much applause from the directors.]

BEISTE: Beautiful, Beautiful.

[CUT TO: GIRL’S BATHROOM - QUINN is doing her makeup. Enter PUCK. who picks up her cigarette pack.]

PUCK: Menthol 100s. Really? Skank?

QUINN: You can’t be in here, it’s the girls’ bathroom.

PUCK: I’m always here. The stalls are cleaner. (he takes her arm to get her attention.) Hey. You need to lose the skank act and get it together.

QUINN: Look. Everyone needs to leave me alone because this is who I am.

PUCK: You look like a real housewife of Reno. (pauses.) I saw Beth.

QUINN: So?

PUCK: She’s perfect. She looks just like you. Well, the old you.

QUINN: Yeah well, it doesn’t matter. We’re not “parent material.”

PUCK: We can be.

QUINN: We’re never gonna be together.

PUCK: I don’t care about you, I care about her. I don’t want her having questions or being messed up. She needs you in her life.

[CUT TO: EMMA’S OFFICE - EMMA, BEISTE, and ARTIE are discussing casting for the musical.]

BEISTE: Okay, Marias. For me, it’s Rachel Berry. I’m just a huge fan. She’s got the eye of the tiger, which I like. She’s Jewish, but I think that helps with the whole Peurto-Rican thing.

EMMA: But we do have Mercedes Jones coming in. For my money, she has the most soulful voice here at McKinley.

BEISTE: Yeah, and she’s not white either, which I like for Maria. So we’ll keep an open mind.

EMMA: Okie-doke. Umm…Kurt Hummel for Tony. I mean let’s talk about star quality, shall we?

ARTIE: Kurt was awesome.

[Camera pans to KURT, who is eavesdropping from outside the office window.]

BEISTE: No question. He owned that song like it was his prison bitch. My thing is, Tony’s supposed to be from the streets. He’s the leader of the Jets - an alpha gang member. I look at Kurt and I don’t believe it.

EMMA: Well respectfully, Coach, Tony’s retired from the Jets. He’s a poet of the open jungle. There is a delicate wholesomeness to Kurt that’s unexpected but not unwelcome for Tony. If I were Maria, I’d love to be held in Kurt’s toothpick arms on my fire escape.

BEISTE: Listen. I love the kid, but I want a Tony that excites my lady parts. Hummel’s too much of a lady.

EMMA: Well Artie, you know him best. Could he pass?

ARTIE: I’m a firm believer in colorblind, non-traditional casting. For instance, I hope to play Porgy one day. And we should definitely see who else comes in. But yeah, I’m a little worried that Kurt may be a little..delicate for Tony.

[KURT is still outside eavesdropping, looking hurt.]

[CUT TO: SCHOOL HALLWAY - KURT is walking by himself, looking dejected. He sees BRITTANY and SANTANA putting up the unicorn campaign posters that he didn’t like. He rips one off the wall and runs over to them.]

KURT: This is not the poster we agreed on.

BRITTANY: The poster that you wanted gave me crippling depression.

KURT: I wanted something toned down!

SANTANA: This is toned down. In the original, the unicorn was riding you.

BRITTANY: I don’t know why you’re so upset. You’re special. You need to embrace it. This is who you are.

KURT: I’m not gonna win.

[Enter RACHEL.]

KURT: Rachel, Rachel! I need you. I need you to come with me to the auditorium right now and help me audition for Tony again.

RACHEL: Last minute emergency auditions, say no more!

[RACHEL and KURT walk away down the hall.]

KURT: (turning back) And stop putting up those posters!

BRITTANY: I failed my precious unicorn.

SANTANA: No! Look, this campaign is brilliant.

BRITTANY: Really?

SANTANA: Completely! And if he doesn’t get it, he doesn’t deserve to have you as his campaign manager. There’s no-one like you. You’re a genius, Brittany. You are the unicorn.

[SANTANA walks away, leaving BRITTANY smiling.]

[CUT TO: AUDITORIUM - BEISTE, EMMA, and ARTIE are set up for more auditions.]

EMMA: Are we seeing more ethnic Marias today?

ARTIE: That’s rude.

BEISTE: Is there any more?

[KURT and RACHEL are dragging a makeshift bed onto the stage.]

EMMA: Oh, umm…sorry, I thought you two auditioned already.

KURT: You heard me sing, but I wanted to show you the pure masculine power and intensity I would bring to Tony if and when you grace me with the part.

ARTIE: (laughing) Sorry, sorry.

KURT: I’ve asked your obvious Maria-elect to do a cold reading with me - not from West Side Story but from the play it’s originally based on, William Shakespeare’s “Romeo and Juliet.”

RACHEL: And might I just add that I only read through this scene once, ten minutes ago, and I’m already off-book.

BEISTE: So you’re playing Romeo, Kurt?

KURT: Picture if you will, Juliet’s boudoir, post-coitus.

[KURT and RACHEL perform a scene from Romeo and Juliet. The directors are (unsuccessfully) trying to hold back their laughter. KURT pushes through, but when he goes to kiss RACHEL, RACHEL snorts and laughs as well.]

RACHEL: (laughing) Wait no, keep going. Kiss me. It’s fine, you can kiss me!

[KURT gets up and runs off stage.]

RACHEL: Kurt, I’m so sorry. Kurt!

[CUT TO: SHELBY’S CLASSROOM - SHELBY is doing vocal exercises with SUGAR, who is singing incredibly off-key.]

SHELBY: Okay stop, stop, STOP! (she sings.) Do you hear the difference?

SUGAR: Yeah. I sung good. You know, why don’t you take the day off? I need to catch up on “My Strange Addiction” episodes and you kind of have this irritating, nasally quality that I can only take so much of. Sorry, Aspergers.

[SUGAR hugs SHELBY then leaves. Enter QUINN.]

QUINN: She’s hopeless, you know.

SHELBY: Nobody’s hopeless. What happened to you, Quinn? Sorry, I know what happened to you. The same thing happened to me when I gave up Rachel. I went with the Regis Philbin tattoo and the Sinead O’Connor haircut.

QUINN: (smiling) It must’ve looked like crap.

SHELBY: It was a disaster. But eventually, I realized that no matter how much it hurt me, I did right by my daughter. That’s the real measure of motherhood. How much of yourself will you give up for them? King Solomon and all that.

QUINN: Yeah well, I’m not going back to being that girl. Little Miss Blonde, perfect.

SHELBY: Quinn, were you ever really that girl? I mean, would that kind of girl even get pregnant in the first place? Do you seriously expect me to think that this is the real you?

QUINN: Yeah. Yeah, sure. Something like this.

SHELBY: You’re eighteen, you’re graduating high school. This is the time. This is the time when you should find yourself. The first step to becoming an adult - stop punishing yourself for things you did when you were a child.

QUINN: Can I see her? I know Puck got to.

SHELBY: Not yet.

QUINN: How about a photo? Please.

[SHELBY pulls up a photo of PUCK and Beth on her phone. She shows it to QUINN who tears up.]

SHELBY: You want to know who you really are? Look at this sweet, special little face. She looks just like you. You can be a part of this family too, Quinn. I really want you to be. It’s all up to you.

[QUINN nods, still crying. SHELBY leaves the room.]

[CUT TO: BURT’S AUTO SHOP - RACHEL is handing FINN tools as he works on a car.]

FINN: Lugnut? Wrench? (takes the tools from RACHEL.)

RACHEL: You’re really good at that, whatever it is that you’re doing over there.

FINN: Thanks for helping me out.

RACHEL: Yeah well, I need the distraction. I’m going to be an emotional Defcon One until they post the audition results for the musical. Which means I’m gonna be even more self-centered than usual. Just so you know.

FINN: Why? You know you’re going to get the lead.

RACHEL: I know I am. But, I mean, you don’t really know until you know. You can still try-out. I mean, the field for Tony is wide open.

FINN: Well I mean, between football and school, I don’t really have time. And I gotta go to this Booty Camp thing. My dancing has got to get better or it’s gonna cost us Nationals. Plus, Burt pays me good here and I’m saving up for college and stuff.

RACHEL: It’s just, I don’t want you to give up on what makes you most special. You know, you’re really talented. Talented enough to get into NYADA if you applied…

FINN: What if I don’t want to? I’m not saying that I don’t but to stay here, work for Burt - I mean, would that be so bad?

RACHEL: No, not if it made you happy. But I don’t think it would. You’re better than that. You may not know it, but I do.

FINN: You’re the best girlfriend ever. (goes in for a kiss.)

RACHEL: Oh, you have grease on your nose.

FINN: Oh (tries to wipe it off)

RACHEL: What the heck.

[They kiss. Enter BURT.]

BURT: Quit making out in the shop.

[KURT is sitting on a chair in the shop]

BURT: (to KURT) What do you want?

KURT: Nothing. Is Finn the only son that can help out around here?

BURT: No, but you only volunteer to help when you want money or you want to talk about something. What’s going on?

KURT: I made a list. These are the only musicals that I’m a shoo-in to play the lead role in - number one: Cage aux Folles; number two: Falsettos; number three: Miss Saigon as Miss Saigon. But that’s off the list when and if I ever start shaving.

BURT: Dude, you’re gay.

KURT: Excuse me?

BURT: You’re gay. And you’re not like Rock Hudson gay, you’re really gay. You sing like Diana Ross and you dress like you own a magic chocolate factory.

KURT: Okay, why are you being so mean to me?

BURT: What is wrong with any of that? It’s who you are.

KURT: And I’m not saying that I’m ashamed of it. The problem is, is that if I want to be an actor I have to pass as straight to get the great romantic roles. And I want those roles. Every actor does. But, to not get a shot at it? I mean, it kills me. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but no-one’s looking for a Kurt Hummel type to play opposite Kate Hudson in a rom-com.

BURT: Kurt. I say, if they’re not writing movies and plays for performers like you then you gotta start writing your own. Come on, man. You’re awesome. Change the rules. Write your own history.

KURT: I’m just tired of being a unicorn, Dad.

BURT: You know what they call a unicorn without a horn? A freakin’ horse.

[KURT smiles and laughs.]

[CUT TO: AUDITORIUM - Booty Camp is rehearsing onstage. Everyone looks tired.]

WILL: Alright, Finn. You got this, buddy. Come on. (while clapping his hands, in time to the beat.) Ha, ha, ruhaha.

[WILL, MIKE, and FINN dance. FINN falls.]

WILL: You okay?

FINN: I can’t do this.

WILL: You can.

FINN: I can’t!

WILL: Hey, who knows more about dancing? You or me?

FINN: You.

WILL: That’s right. Look, I know you can do this, and I believe in you.

FINN: One more time.

WILL: That’s right. Here we go.

[WILL helps FINN get up. They do the dance again. This time FINN is successful. Everyone cheers and claps. WILL hugs FINN. Enter QUINN, who has noticeably lost her “bad-girl” look.]

WILL: Can I help you, Quinn?

QUINN: I heard this was for people who need a little help with their dance moves and want to win Nationals.

WILL: That’s right.

QUINN: So I’m a little rusty. And uh, would it be cool if I joined in?

WILL: Absolutely. Welcome back.

MERCEDES: Get in here, girl. You’ve been missed. (hugs QUINN.)

WILL: Alright, lets line it up. Enough, enough. Alright, let’s get in line. Booty Camp, here we go. Line it up. (looks to KURT) Oh, Kurt…

PUCK: (to QUINN) I’m proud of you.

QUINN: I have to get her back. If that takes dyeing my hair blonde and pretending that I think I’m special, that’s something that I’m willing to do. We’re going to get full custody.

[CUT TO: TEACHER’S LOUNGE - BEISTE, EMMA, and WILL are eating lunch together.]

WILL: Do you eat a whole chicken every day?

BEISTE: I eat a whole chicken at every meal.

[Enter SUE.]

SUE: Well hello, she-hulk. Weepy the vest-clown…

WILL: Good one.

SUE: …and little Miss Golden Marmoset. It’s a Brazillian monkey and seriously, it’s your spittin’ image. I’m ‘a send you a photo. Are you still at freakishbonyginger@gmail -

WILL: Oh hey, Sue. Hear the good news? Quinn is back in Glee Club, which sorta throws a wrench in your whole campaign commercial.

SUE: Well actually, butt-chin, I couldn’t have written it any better myself. In fact, it gives my campaign a whole new narrative. Quinn Fabray is an addict and she’s relapsed back into her Glee Club addiction. You see the arts are like crack, William - but much more addictive and not nearly as glamorous. And my new spot airs tomorrow.

WILL: Sorry, Sue. Your scare tactics are not gonna work.

SUE: No, they’re already working, William. You see, I’ve made hating the arts into a brand. People are hurting, unemployment is up, the dollar is weak and the arts smack of elitism and self-absorption, indulgence and privilege. When times are tough, that’s something that Americans cannot stomach. Well, I just got a text from Becky, replete with hilarious auto-corrects. Polling has me nine points up on my Republican challenger/pizza magnate, Reggie “the sauce” Salazar. You know what that means? It means today - I am in first place. So, I’m going to have a seat over there at the “first place” table. Hey, you’re free to join me if any of you have ever come in first place. Recently.

[SUE leaves.]

WILL: What’re we gonna do? We cannot let her win.

BEISTE: Then we gotta find somebody with credibility to run against her. The anti-Sue.

[CUT TO: SCHOOL HALLWAY - BRITTANY is walking by herself. She stops to look at a unicorn poster of KURT. She sees KURT putting up more posters and approaches him.]

KURT: Brittany! Look! (points to poster) You were absolutely right. I need to celebrate who I am and I am unicorn.

BRITTANY: Awww. (hugs him) I love my happy, happy unicorn.

KURT: Thank you.

BRITTANY: I’m so proud of you.

KURT: So, what do you say you come to my place after school and we’ll give each other oatmeal facials and watch Project Runway and you know, talk campaign strategy while sampling some of my zero-cal loganberry pumpkin torte. huh?

BRITTANY: Thanks, umm, but I can’t. Santana and I are working on campaign posters.

KURT: Oh, umm, I already have them.

BRITTANY: No, for my campaign. I decided to run too! Cause, you know, the last six senior class presidents - they’ve all been guys and look where that’s got us - you know, teetering in a double-dip recession. Besides, I’m also a unicorn. Maybe a bi-corn. Either way, I’m starting to believe in my own magic. Good luck, Kurt. I will see you at the debate. Kay?

[CUT TO: AUDITORIUM - BEISTE, EMMA and ARTIE are set up for more auditions.]

ARTIE: Blaine Anderson?

[BLAINE walks onto the stage.]

BLAINE: Hi guys.

ARTIE: Greetings. What song will you be singing today?

BLAINE: Something’s Coming.

[BLAINE performs “Something’s Coming.” The directors are impressed. KURT is watching from a distance.]

ARTIE: I so want to give you a standing ovation right now.

BLAINE: Thank-you.

ARTIE: Wait, wait. On your audition form you said you were only interested in the role of Bernardo.

BLAINE: Yeah, or Officer Krupke. Either one is fine.

ARTIE: Would you mind reading for Tony?

[BLAINE bites his lip and seems unsure. KURT leaves the auditorium, looking hurt.]

[END.]

3x03 - Asian F

Wed, 23 Nov 2011 16:51:00 -0500

Airdate: October 4, 2011

Written by: Ian Brennan
Directed by: Alfonso Gomez-Rejon
Transcribed by: sometimesyoudo

Featured Music:

Spotlight by Jennifer Hudson. Sung by Mercedes with Tina and Brittany.
Run the World (Girls) by Beyonce. Sung by Brittany and Santana with WMHS girls.
Cool from West Side Story. Sung by Mike.
It’s All Over from Dreamgirls. Sung by Booty Camp.
Out Here On My Own from FAME. Sung by Mercedes and Rachel.
Fix You by Coldplay. Sung by Will with New Directions.

—

INTRO: So here’s what you missed on Glee: Emma’s living with Will, which has really helped her OCD, which is good, because she’s helping Artie and Beiste direct West Side Story. Rachel seems like a shoo-in for Maria, and Kurt’s running for class president so he can get into NYADA. I Thank you in advance for your votes. But Brittany quit as his campaign manager so she can run, too. That’s so unicorn. And that’s what you missed, on Glee!

[Begins with a Booty Camp rehearsal on the auditorium stage.]

FINN: Five, six…

SANTANA:…seven, eight.

WILL: You’re late.

[Enter MERCEDES.]

MERCEDES: I know. I overslept.

QUINN: It’s 4:30 in the afternoon.

MERCEDES: My alarm clock went off 30 minutes late this morning. Kind of shifted my whole schedule. Anyway, what’s Santana doing here?

SANTANA: I’ve re-sworn my allegiance to the Glee Club, without telling Coach Sue.

MIKE: Mercedes, I’ll catch you up. Five, six, seven. Five, six…

[MIKE and MERCEDES begin to dance. Suddenly MERCEDES runs over to the trash can.]

WILL: Mercedes, you okay?

MERCEDES: My stomach hurts. I think I’m gonna be sick.

SANTANA: Why are you babying her? I mean, she can’t do three steps without puking ‘cause she ate at Quizno’s before she showed up in this joint.

MERCEDES: Mr. Shue, you have us scheduled to the second right now. With school, Glee Club and Booty Camp, when else am I supposed to eat?

SANTANA: When the rest of us do.

MERCEDES: Oh, like you eat!

WILL: It’s not about eating. It’s about attitude. Sectionals are coming up, and if we don’t give it our all…

MERCEDES: I am doing my best.

WILL: No, you’re not. It’s not about doing your best anymore. It’s about doing better.

[CUT TO: WILL AND EMMA’S KITCHEN - WILL is sitting at the kitchen table. Enter EMMA.]

EMMA: Morning, sunshine.

WILL: Hey.

EMMA: Do you want me to iron some bacon for you?

WILL: Um, I was looking for a fresh box of cornflakes, and I found this hidden way back in the pantry. It’s a stash of wedding magazines. Wedding, Inc., Modern Bridal, Marry Me Monthly…

EMMA: Oh, wow. Terri must have had a massive bridal magazine addiction.

WILL: And an autographed headshot of Vera Wang. “To Emma. Always Marry Up!”

EMMA: Right, that’s slightly harder to explain away.

WILL: Look, Emma, I’m not scared of your inner bridezilla. I mean, that’s clearly the road we’re headed down, and marriage is just one of… several milestones I look forward to sharing with you. But because I don’t like secrets, I thought I’d share my secret stash with you. I was a bachelor for over a year. Kept me off of Craig’s List. (shows EMMA his “secret stash”)

EMMA: Okay, we’ll just put that over here.

WILL: But Emma, I have to ask you a question: if you’re serious about you and me… why haven’t I met your parents?

EMMA: Be-because, um, they’re dead.

WILL: You spoke to them on the phone last night.

EMMA: I spoke to their ghosts last night. I have ghost parents. Okay, can’t lie to you. Um… I-I-I just want to take it really slowly. You know, I don’t want to rush things. And-And I feel like meeting my parents right now would be a bad idea.

[EMMA kisses WILL on the cheek and walks away.]

[BELL RINGS.]

[CUT TO: FIGGINS’ OFFICE - FIGGINS is sitting opposite MIKE and MR. CHANG.]

FIGGINS: I must say Mr. Mike Chang Sr., this is highly unusual. I have no grounds to drug test your son every day.

MR. CHANG: My grandmother in China knew three English phrases: “Coca-Cola,” “Kiss My Grits” and “Harvard University.” Deep in Hubei Province this old woman knew the best school in the United States. That’s where my son belongs.

FIGGINS: But what makes you think he’s on drugs? He’s one of our best students, a football star, and he can bust a serious move.

MR. CHANG: My son got an A-minus on his chemistry test. An A-minus is an Asian F.

FIGGINS: Mr. Chang Sr., I don’t want to get in your business, as they say, but don’t you think perhaps you’re putting too much pressure on Mike Chang Jr.?

MR. CHANG: An A-minus won’t do. It’s the girlfriend. She’s a distraction.

FIGGINS: Here’s where we agree, sir. Tina Cohen-Chang and her vampire ways have no place in this school.

[CUT TO: SCHOOL HALLWAY (FLASHBACK) - FIGGINS is walking down the hallway. TINA rounds the corner in a vampire costume. FIGGINS gasps.]

TINA: (hisses) Excuse me from gym all year or I’ll drain your spicy curry blood. (hisses)

[CUT BACK TO: FIGGINS’ OFFICE (END FLASHBACK)]

MR. CHANG: It’s clear to me that either Michael is on drugs or that he’s bitten off more than he can chew. He needs to quit Glee Club. Performing is a waste of his time.

MIKE: What?

MR. CHANG: (to MIKE) The consultant we hired said that it was meaningless on your transcript. In fact, he said it was a detriment.

MIKE: I’ll do better, Dad. I promise. Get me a chemistry tutor. I’ll pay for it myself. Just give me one more chance.

[BELL RINGS.]

[CUT TO: FOOTBALL LOCKER ROOM - BEISTE is addressing the football team. She blows a whistle as a call to order.]

BEISTE: All right, listen up, ladies! Number one: I kicked a fire hydrant when I found out Ace of Cakes was canceled, hence the crutches. Number two: the entire wrestling team has come down with a flesh-eating staph infection so, fellas, wash yourselves, and that includes your bat caves and your bramble patches. Number three: Tinsly, Puckerman, Azimio, show me your moves.

PUCK: What moves?

BEISTE: Oh, don’t play stupid. You’re all dancing in West Side Story unless I specifically excuse you.

FINN: Tire shop every afternoon.

AZIMIO: Coach, no disrespect, but my dad, he didn’t raise me to be no damn ballerina. In fact, my dad, he didn’t even raise me.

BEISTE: Ballet improves your coordination, it boosts your IQ, and it gets half of the NFL on Dancing With the Stars! Boo-yah! By Wednesday, everyone is to show up at audition and dance.

SHANE: How are we supposed to learn to dance by Wednesday?

BEISTE: Figure it out.

[BELL RINGS.]

[CUT TO: CAFETERIA - SHANE sees MERCEDES and RACHEL hugging. MERCEDES walks over to SHANE.]

SHANE: Baby, what was that?

MERCEDES: What?

SHANE: You just hugged your arch-nemesis right before the audition. You think before I cleat some dude I hug him? You think Wonder Woman hugs the Cheeta before the Amazonian smackdown?

MERCEDES: It’s not like that. Rachel and I are friends.

SHANE: Not right now you’re not. This is winner-takes-all. Maria’s the lead and you need to be playing that part.

MERCEDES: Don’t be going crazy now on me, Shane.

SHANE: People are saying that Rachel Berry’s the one to beat. Why don’t you know that you’re the one to beat? You’re fabulous, baby.

MERCEDES: I know…

SHANE: You don’t. You always make me watch Dreamgirls. You say you’re Beyonce, but on the inside you feel like Effie White. You’re better than Rachel Berry, baby.

MERCEDES: I’ve been here for three years… no one’s ever said that to me.

[MERCEDES sings Jennifer Hudson’s “Spotlight.” It ends with MERCEDES on stage auditioning for the musical, backed up by TINA. RACHEL is watching apprehensively from backstage. BEISTE, EMMA, and ARTIE are sitting behind a table in the audience. They clap enthusiastically.]

ARTIE: Wow! Yeah!

EMMA: Whoo! Beautiful. Whoo! Mercedes, I’ve never seen you like this before. Really. You’re so…

BEISTE: Glamorous.

EMMA: Glamorous.

MERCEDES: Well, I just wanted you guys to see me the way that I see myself now: as a leading lady.

EMMA: Well, it was wonderful. Beautiful.

ARTIE: So good. You killed it!

[MERCEDES walks offstage. SHANE is waiting for her. They kiss.]

SHANE: I’m so proud of you.

[Camera zooms to RACHEL, who is watching from a distance, worried]

[BELL RINGS.]

[CUT TO: MIKE’S LOCKER - MIKE is organizing his things. TINA approaches him.]

TINA: Ready for song practice? Your audition is tomorrow.

MIKE: I’m not auditioning.

TINA: What are you talking about? We’ve been practicing your singing every day! This is your chance to break out and show everybody that you’re more than just a fleet-footed dance ninja. Riff is perfect for you. He sings, he dances, he dives. It’s the second male lead, Mike.

MIKE: I’m overwhelmed and losing focus. Football, Glee Club, Booty Camp so we’re ready for Sectionals. I got an A-minus, Tina.

TINA: You got an Asian F?

MIKE: My dad is all over me.

TINA: You shouldn’t have to hide your dreams. Just be honest with him.

MIKE: Oh, like how you were so honest about pretending to stutter all that time?

TINA: Point taken.

[MIKE closes his locker and walks away.]

[BELL RINGS.]

[CUT TO: SCHOOL HALLWAY - RACHEL and KURT are walking together, handing out campaign trinkets.]

KURT: With only two days left for people to announce their candidacy, that leaves me and Brittany running in this race. Which is more like me running, and you know, Brittany just whimsically hopping and skipping nearby. No one takes her seriously.

RACHEL: That’s so amazing, Kurt. I mean, you can practically add the moniker of “President” to your curriculum vitae now. NYADA is gonna eat that up.

[They pause and lean against the lockers.]

KURT: According to the new Jacob Ben Israel straw poll— (attempts to hand a campaign pin to a student, who refuses it) here, take one take one, take… Okay. Um, according to the soft numbers, I’m ahead by Brit by 11%.

RACHEL: Really?

KURT: This could be a cakewalk.

[RACHEL squeals. Enter SANTANA and BRITTANY.]

SANTANA: Nice blouse, Hummel. Really brings out the color of your pink eye.

BRITTANY: So, I assume I can rely on your vote, Rachel.

RACHEL: I’m sorry, Brittany, but I’ve already pledged my fidelity to Kurt.

BRITTANY: Oh, so you’re cool with flushing McKinley High’s future down the magical poop-stealing water chair?

SANTANA: Did you know that in six years at this school, we’ve only exclusively had male student council presidents? And yeah, Kurt looks like Jimmy Fallon’s butch daughter, but a vote for him would only empower yet another frank and beans.

BRITTANY: Yes. Where has that patriarchy gotten us? Double-digit inflation, economic freefall, oil spills, war in Afghanistan.

SANTANA: I tweeted about Britt’s flash mob pep rally in the gym, 248 and we’re all showing up to support her with girl power.

BRITTANY: Yes, boys have made one helluva mess in this school, and there’s only one way to clean it up.

[BRITTANY performs “Run the World,” ending with a pep rally at the gym. SUE attempts to settle down the crowd. KURT is shown looking stunned. A girl hands BRITTANY a microphone, and she addresses the crowd.]

BRITTANY: Hi. I’m Brittany S. Pierce, and I’m your next senior class president.

[CUT TO: TEACHER’S LOUNGE - BEISTE is sitting with EMMA.]

BEISTE: Harvard/Yale 1968. Bush/Gore 2000. And now…

EMMA: I know. It’s too close to call.

[Enter WILL.]

WILL: What is?

EMMA: Marias. We have two very strong, but very different candidates tied for the role.

WILL: Rachel Berry and…?

BEISTE: Mercedes. thought Berry had it in the bag, and then Stealth-Attack Jones came in and just pancaked me emotionally.

EMMA: Yeah. I mean, right before our eyes, Mercedes just transformed. She had a new maturity, there was a confidence I’ve never seen before. Her performance was so truthful. I think our little girl’s all grown up.

WILL: Wow. I’m so happy to hear that.

BEISTE: I don’t know what you’re doing, Schuester, but it’s working.

WILL: Well, I have been pushing her pretty hard in Booty Camp. Good. Good for Mercedes.

EMMA: Yes, but very hard for us. (laughter) I mean, Rachel is Maria. Isn’t she?

BEISTE: Yes.

EMMA: On the other hand, Mercedes is…

BEISTE: Is the riskier choice, no doubt. And she might even be the more exciting one. It’s just too close to call.

WILL: Well, you know what you need to do, then.

[CUT TO: EMMA’S OFFICE - EMMA, ARTIE and BEISTE are in the middle of a conversation with RACHEL and MERCEDES.]

MERCEDES: Let me get this straight. You can’t make up your minds, so we have to try out again?

RACHEL: In the biz, it’s called a callback. With such an iconic role as Maria, it can’t appear as if they’re just giving me the part.

ARTIE: We’d like you both to come back on Thursday for the ultimate Maria-off.

RACHEL: Done. I can’t speak for Mercedes, but I’ll be singing the timeless Maria classic “I Feel Pretty.”

EMMA: Actually, that’s too easy, Rachel. We’ve picked a song that we think has the potential to show off both of your talents, in unexpected ways.

ARTIE: “Out Here On My Own” from the seminal behind-the-scenes musical, Fame.

RACHEL: I know it.

MERCEDES: I lived it.

[BELL RINGS. MERCEDES leaves the office. RACHEL runs after her.]

RACHEL: Mercedes! Look, in the spirit of Broadway camaraderie, I’d like to offer you a hug to congratulate you on your callback.

MERCEDES: You know what, Rachel? Hug me after I get the part.

[BELL RINGS.]

[CUT TO: SCHOOL HALLWAY - MIKE is on the phone with his father.]

MIKE: I’m leaving right now to go meet the Chem tutor at The Lima Bean. I promise I’ll bring my grade up. And, Dad, I’m so sorry for disappointing you.

[MIKE enters a dance studio and begins to dance. He pauses and looks at himself in the mirror.]

MR. CHANG (VOICEOVER/FLASHBACK): Michael. We’ve worked so hard to get to where we are. And this, this is how you waste your time? Dancing is something you do at a wedding. It’s a hobby, not a career. There’s no future in it. What happens if you hurt yourself? You’re one injury away from having nothing. You will not waste your life.

[MIKE continues to dance. He pauses on his knees for a moment.]

TINA (VOICEOVER/FLASHBACK): So beautiful. You don’t talk that much, you hardly ever sing, but when I see you do that, it’s who you are. It’s what makes me feel you. Mike, you got to know by now, when I see you dance… …it’s why I fell in love with you. (hugs MIKE)

[MIKE is shown hugging the air in the studio. He gets up, looking determined.]

[CUT TO: AUDITORIUM: BEISTE, EMMA, and ARTIE are set up for auditions.]

ARTIE: Mike Chang? The kid’s never late. He runs like an expensive Swiss watch reproduced cheaply in China. (pause) Okay, next.

[Enter MIKE running onto the stage.]

MIKE: Uh, I’m sorry I’m late. I’m here to audition for Riff.

EMMA: Uh, Mike, you know that’s not just a dancing part, right?

MIKE: I do, yes. I’ve been working on my singing.

EMMA: (softly) Okay.

[MIKE performs “Cool.” The football team dances back-up. The directors clap at the end.]

ARTIE: Yeah! Wow!

BEISTE: Wow, Chang, you must have worked really closely with my boys there. That was some really fancy footwork. I just hope you didn’t waste too much of your time.

MIKE: It’s what I love to do. It’s never going to be a waste of my time.

BEISTE: Good job.

[CUT TO: TEACHER’S LOUNGE - BEISTE is eating lunch with SHELBY.]

BEISTE: (through mouthfuls of pasta) So no girls have tried out for your fancy new rogue singing club? Why do you think that is? Mmm. Singing’s just musical talking.

SHELBY: Well, I guess if I was a girl in this school, and I wanted to be in a singing group, I’d be in New Directions.

BEISTE: Mm-hmm.

[SHELBY gets up to leave. Enter WILL.]

SHELBY: Enjoy your enormous bowl of disgusting creamy pasta.

BEISTE: Mm-hmm.

SHELBY: (to WILL, on her way out) Hey, Will.

WILL: (to SHELBY) Hey. (to BEISTE) What, no chicken?

BEISTE: Mm, I’m carbo - loading, Will. I got to keep my strength up. I got football, I’m running the student council elections, and you got me doing that musical.Thank God for Emma. She’s a hard worker. You should be really proud of her.

WILL: Yeah, well, I just wish she was more proud of me.

BEISTE: Mm, come on.

WILL: I mean, I know I’m not a dentist like Carl. I don’t make $80,000 a year.

BEISTE: Punkin, what the hell are you talking about? That girl is crazy about you.

WILL: She hasn’t introduced me to her parents.

BEISTE: Well, introduce yourself! You’re a catch, Will. You got nothing to be nervous about. You’re everything a future in-law could ask for.

WILL: You think so?

BEISTE: You bet your sweet bippy. Did you know Breadstix delivers? (points to her pasta) That’s awesome.

[CUT TO: COURTYARD - KURT approaches BLAINE, who is standing on the stairs.]

KURT: The cast list goes up on Friday. Are you nervous?

BLAINE: A little. I’m trying not to think about it.

KURT: I wouldn’t be. My mole in the casting office says that there’s only one actor they’re seriously considering for the role of Tony, and his initials are B.A.

[KURT hands BLAINE a bouquet of flowers.]

BLAINE: Kurt, they’re beautiful. But what are they for?

KURT: You killed your audition, Blaine. If anyone else got Tony, including me, the Wrath of Sondheim would fall upon William McKinley like a plague of Shubert Alley locusts. These are to celebrate… you.

BLAINE: You always zig when I think you’re about to zag, and I… I just… I love that about you. Thank you.

BLAINE: (whispers) Right.

[CUT TO: AUDITORIUM - The Booty Camp is getting ready to rehearse.]

WILL: Okay, so, before we dive into today’s Booty Camp, I just want to say how impressed Mike and I have been with everyone’s progress. Uh… Brittany, why are you here?

BRITTANY: ‘Cause I intend on, you know, dancing my way into the voters’ hearts.

WILL: Okay. All right… everyone up! Now, your homework assignment was “The Widow Maker,” perhaps the hardest show choir dance move ever. Now, when you get it right, one of us is gonna tap you out, then you can have a seat. Uh, five, six, seven, eight!

[Piano music begins. They dance. WILL and MIKE tap everyone as they get the move right until only MERCEDES and FINN remain.]

WILL: Come on, Finn, you can do it!

MIKE: Down… open… Come on, Mercedes, down… open… up…

MERCEDES: My ankle hurts.

WILL: Push through it.

MERCEDES: I don’t feel good.

WILL: You’re fine.

MERCEDES: No, I’m not!

WILL: Look, Mercedes, I want you to be the best you can be, okay? Did you even practice this?

MERCEDES: Stop picking on me! You’re always singling me out, making me look bad!

WILL: That’s crazy.

MERCEDES: No, you’re crazy. For not letting me shine! Where’s Rachel, huh?

RACHEL: I don’t see her here, being a part of the “team.”

FINN: Rachel practices every night.

MERCEDES: No one asked you, Finn. Everyone knows that Rachel is your favorite.

WILL: That’s not true.

MERCEDES: No, it’s true— you give that skinny, Garanimal-wearing ass-kisser everything! And, you know, for two years, you know, I took it. But not anymore! I’m done!

[MERCEDES begins to leave, intentionally knocking things over in the process.]

MERCEDES: (turning back) You know, I’ve outgrown you. I’ve outgrown all of you.

WILL: (yelling) Mercedes! You walk out that door, you’re out of Glee Club.

[The light dims. MERCEDES turns back around. The Glee club is dressed up in costume. “It’s All Over” from Dreamgirls begins” (altered lyrics)]

MERCEDES: Mr. Shue was supposed to love me. I turn my back and find myself out on the line You could’ve warned me but that would’ve been too kind.

WILL: I’ve been warning you for months to clean up your act. You’ve been late, you’ve been mean, giving all kinds of stupid flack.

MERCEDES: That’s a lie, that’s a lie. It’s just, I haven’t been feeling that well.

SANTANA: Effie, please, stop excusing yourself. You’ve been late, you’ve been mean and getting fatter all the time.

MERCEDES: Now you’re lyin’, you’re lyin’, I’ve never been so thin. You’re lyin’, you’re lyin’ ‘cause you’re knockin’ off that piece (points to BRITTANY) who thinks she’s better than everybody running for president. She ain’t better than anybody. She ain’t nothin’ but common.

SANTANA: Now, listen to me, Miss Blame-it-on-the-world. See, I put up with you for much too long. I have put up with your bitchin’. I put up with your naggin’ and all your screamin’ too.

FINN: Oh, now when are you two gonna stop all this fighting?

MERCEDES: Stay out of this, Finn, this is between Santana and me!

KURT: Yeah! Well, it’s between me, too. I’m as much a part of this group as anybody else. And I’m tired, Effie. I’m tired of all the problems you’re makin’ up.

MERCEDES: (to KURT and FINN) I always knew you two were together.

KURT: What?!

MERCEDES: Always knew you two were gangin’ up on me.

WILL: Kurt had nothing to do with this change, it was you. It was you always thinking of you. Always thinking of you .

PUCK: Lay off, Effie. Just take the money and run.

MERCEDES: You in this with them, Puck?

PUCK: Cool it, Effie This time you know what you’ve done.

MERCEDES: So they bought your behind, too, huh?

PUCK: I said, cool it, Effie This time you’ve gone too far. Oh, I can go further. I can go further!

MIKE: I don’t wanna stay around this, I’m just breakin’ in to this business. This is between all of you. This is none of my affair.

MERCEDES: I’m not feelin’ well, I’ve got pain.

EVERYONE: Effie, we all got pain.

MERCEDES: Oh, for two years, I stuck with you I was your sister.

EVERONE: You were trouble.

MERCEDES: And now you’re telling me, it’s all over.

EVERYONE: Now we’re telling you It’s all over.

MERCEDES: And now, I’m telling you. I ain’t goin’, I ain’t goin’.

[Everyone exits except for MERCEDES. The light switch clicks. Fade to black. The light comes back on. MERCEDES is alone onstage, no longer in costume.]

MERCEDES: It’s over.

[BELL RINGS]

[CUT TO: DANCE STUDIO - MIKE is dancing. Enter MRS. CHANG.]

MIKE: Mom?

MRS. CHANG: What are you doing, Michael?

MIKE: I’m… just warming up for football.

MRS. CHANG: How can you look at me like that and lie to me? I got a call from your chemistry tutor when you didn’t show up. I covered for you with your father. So now I’m a liar, too. The least you could do is tell me the truth.

MIKE: I auditioned for the school musical. I don’t want to be a surgeon or a lawyer, Mom. I want to be an artist. Special. And the only time I really feel special is when I do… (he dances) that. Mom, please don’t cry.

MRS. CHANG: Michael,my job is to encourage you to live your dreams, not mine, not your dad’s. I was raised a certain way, and my parents had expectations of me and I simply was not as courageous as my son. I let go of my dreams but I never want you to do that. Do you hear me? So… do you know if we earned that part in the school musical yet?

[MIKE shakes his head “no”.]

MRS. CHANG: Well, when you do, we’re going to tell your father about it. Together.

MIKE: So what dream did you let go of?

MRS. CHANG: Like you, I loved dancing. But your waigong never let me take lessons.

MIKE: Some people think I’m a pretty good teacher. Okay… (murmurs)

[MIKE holds a hand out to his mom. They dance together.]

[BELL RINGS.]

[CUT TO: AUDITORIUM - BEISTE and ARTIE are seated in the audience. EMMA is walking on the stage. The Glee Club is watching in the audience.]

[CUT TO: BACKSTAGE - FINN is standing with RACHEL.]

FINN: Rachel, focus.

[CUT TO: BACKSTAGE - SHANE is standing witH MERCEDES.]

SHANE: You want this more than she does.

MERCEDES: I do.

[CUT BACK TO: FINN AND RACHEL.]

FINN: You’ve earned this. The part’s already yours.

[CUT BACK TO: SHANE AND MERCEDES.]

SHANE: It’s been waiting for you, Mercedes; just take it.

MERCEDES: I will.

[EMMA walks to center stage. Camera pans to ARTIE.]

ARTIE: Rachel Berry? Mercedes Jones?

[CUT BACK TO: FINN AND RACHEL - Finn looks at Rachel with encouragement.]

RACHEL: Okay. (nods her head)

[CUT BACK TO: SHANE AND MERCEDES.]

SHANE: Go get it, baby.

EMMA: Ladies… you’re both wonderful.

PUCK: (from the audience, to QUINN) Screw West Side Story, this is Clash of the Titans.

KURT: (to BLAINE) I have a feeling that people are going to be talking about this face-off for the rest of our lives.

EMMA: (holding a coin) Heads or tails?

RACHEL: Heads.

MERCEDES: Tails.

[EMMA flips the coin.]

EMMA: Heads.

FINN: (shouts) Yes!

EMMA: Rachel?

RACHEL: Mercedes can go first.

EMMA: Okay.

[MERCEDES and RACHEL perform “Out Here On My Own” from Fame.]

AUDIENCE: Wow! Yeah! Bravo! (whooping)

FINN: (to RACHEL)That was excellent. You were amazing.

RACHEL: She was better than me.

[BELL RINGS.]

[CUT TO: SCHOOL HALLWAY - RACHEL is walking rapidly. She enters BEISTE’S office.]

RACHEL: Coach Beiste, I have something very important we need to discuss.

[CUT TO: EMMA AND WILLS’S HOME - EMMA enters and sees the dining room set for four.]

EMMA: (to WILL) What is this? Are we having a romantic dinner?

WILL: Sort of. I invited your parents over.

[MR. AND MRS. PILLSBURY turn around from the couch holding glasses of wine.]

MRS. PILLSBURY: Is that my little freaky-deaky?

EMMA: Okay. I’m gonna say hi in one minute. One minute, one minute. Oh, God, oh my God.

[EMMA walks out of the room, followed by WILL.]

EMMA: Why would you do this?

WILL: I wanted to meet your parents, so I thought I’d take the bull by the horns.

[EMMA is pouring a large glass of wine and begins to drink.]

EMMA: Right, it’s okay, because maybe, maybe we can get them to leave. I will pretend like, um, an ovarian cyst burst. Works every time.

WILL: Emma, what is going on here? Are you ashamed of me?

EMMA: No. I’m ashamed of them.

WILL: What? Why?

EMMA: My parents are ginger supremacists.

[CUT TO: DINING ROOM - EMMA and WILL are eating dinner with EMMA’S parents.]

MR. PILLSBURY: We’re not ginger supremacists. We’re more ginger preservationists.

MRS. PILLSBURY: We don’t hate anybody. We just prefer the company of other redheads, which is why we enjoy the Red Oaks so much.

WILL: What’s the Red Oaks?

MRS. PILLSBURY: It’s a gingers-only country club. It’s really the only place I feel I can be myself and let my auburn hair down.

MR. PILLSUBRY: Did you know that if we’re not careful, redheads will be extinct in 30 years?

WILL: Extinct?

MR. PILLSBURY: It’s a recessive gene. If we keep heading down the road we’re on, with everybody just mixing with everybody, we gingers will cease to exist as a species.

EMMA: Not really a separate species.

MRS. PILLSBURY: Which is why I’d really love to hear about your heritage. I have to say, your hair’s a little wooly for my taste, but those beautiful blue eyes are a very good sign. Now Schuester is German, right?

WILL: I-I think so.

MR. PILLSBURY: You’re practically a Viking.

WILL: (awkwardly) Hey.

MRS. PILLSBURY: Well, that’s a relief. There’s got to be some red hair in that family tree.

MR. PILLSBURY: Yeah, not like that Carl.

[EMMA is scratching at her spoon with her nail.]

MRS. PILLSBURY: Oops. Looks like freaky-deaky’s coming down with a mean case of the cleanies.

MR. PILLSBURY: Don’t bother trying to stop her once she starts, Will. We used to tie her thumbs together, and she’d chew right through the twine. Adorable.

MRS. PILLSBURY: I think it’s weird. I don’t know where she got it.

[CUT TO: RESTAURANT (FLASHBACK) - A young EMMA is sitting in a booth with her parents.]

MRS. PILLSBURY: (to a waitress) Oh, I’m sorry, Amigo. You’re not our regular waitress.

MR. PILLSBURY: (to a ginger-haired waitress) Cindy!

MRS. PILLSBURY: (handing young EMMA a wipe) You can’t be too careful.

[Young EMMA is cleaning her water glass.]

[End flashback]

WILL: I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be rude, but has anyone ever told you that you’re both a little racist?

MRS. PILLSBURY: I’m sorry?

MR. PILLSBURY: Excuse me, it’s not racist to be proud of the heritage that you’re trying to preserve, Will.

WILL: Well, maybe it isn’t. But all I know is that if Emma and I were blessed enough to have a child, I wouldn’t care what he or she looked like. And you know what? If my child had OCD, I’d maybe try to show a little compassion instead of calling her a name that makes her feel like a freak.

MRS. PILLBURY: These beans are a disaster.

MR. PILLSBURY: These beans are what happens when you sit out an election, Rose.

MRS. PILLSBURY: There wasn’t a ginger candidate.

[BELL RINGS.]

[CUT TO: RACHEL’S LOCKER - KURT walks up to RACHEL.]

KURT: I think we should talk, don’t you?

RACHEL: About the, um, upcoming deadline for the NYADA applications?

KURT: About you telling Coach Beiste that you’re running for senior class president. Against me.

RACHEL: Kurt, you saw Mercedes, okay? I’m not gonna get the part. So I figured, if I win, I’ll make you vice president, and then maybe you could just do vice-versa.

KURT: Rachel, if you win, yes, it’ll better your chances of getting into NYADA, yes. But if I win, it could make a huge difference at this school. Not just for me, but kids like me. Things could actually change for them. So, whatever it takes, I’m winning.

RACHEL: Okay, look, I just… I need something for my senior year that’s gonna make me special, that’s gonna make me stand out. I thought Maria was gonna be that. You understand. You’re just as ambitious as I am; that’s why we’re friends.

KURT: Rachel, in ten years, when you look back on this time, you’re not gonna be thinking about the clubs you belonged to or the parts you had. You’ll be thinking about the friends you had and…and the ones you just tossed aside.

[KURT walks away.]

[CUT TO: EMMA’S OFFICE - ARTIE, EMMA, and BEISTE are sitting opposite RACHEL and MERCEDES.]

MERCEDES: Please don’t tell us that we have to try out again.

ARTIE: No, we’ve come to a decision.

BEISTE: It was one of the hardest decisions of my life, and that includes when I had to sell one of my two prize donkeys to pay my gas bill. I sold Kim, but I kept Khloe.

EMMA: So, um, in the grand tradition of the Special Olympics…everybody wins. We’re double-casting Maria.

MERCEDES: What the hell is “double-casting?”

RACHEL: It means that we’ll both get to play Maria. You’ll get your well-deserved standing ovations on Saturday matinees and Sunday mornings for the Retired Lima War Veterans, and I’ll do all the evening performances.

ARTIE: Actually, Rachel, we’re adding a week. You’ll both get four nights and two matinees.

RACHEL: Fair enough. Mercedes, it’ll be a pleasure sharing the spotlight with you.

MERCEDES: Are you double-casting any other roles?

[ARITE, EMMA, and BEISTE shake their heads.]

ARTIE: No. Just…

EMMA: No.

BEISTE: No.

MERCEDES: Thank you for your time.

BEISTE: Where are you going?

MERCEDES: (to RACHEL) Tell me you were better than me. Tell me.

EMMA: Oh no.

MERCEDES: Why is it that no one ever wants to hurt her feelings? You know, it’s always been “The Rachel Berry Show” around here. But it’s not gonna be for me. No, not my senior year.

ARTIE: Mercedes, don’t make this a stupid pride thing.

MERCEDES: Oh, it’s a pride thing. But it’s not stupid. (to RACHEL) Congratulations. You got the part. I don’t want it.

[BELL RINGS.]

[CUT TO: SCHOOL HALLWAY - RACHEL approaches FINN, who is leaning against the lockers.]

RACHEL: I got it. I got it, like, by default. They double-cast us, and then Mercedes turned it down.

FINN: So… cool. You’re gonna… you’re gonna be withdrawing from the race, then.

RACHEL: Look, Finn, when Brittany sang that song about girls changing the world, it got me thinking, you know maybe…maybe I can change the world.

FINN: (sarcastically) By being Student Class President?

RACHEL: Look, make fun of it all you want, but you need to start thinking about your future, too.

Oh, did you talk to Kurt about the election?

FINN: Yeah. He asked me who I was voting for.

RACHEL: What did you say?

FINN: I said I didn’t know.

[FINN walks away, leaving RACHEL standing alone by the lockers.]

[CUT TO: WILL AND EMMA’S BEDROOM - EMMA is sitting on the bed, rubbing her hands together. WILL enters the room.]

WILL: Emma?

EMMA: Son of a biscuit. I’ve lost count again. (whispers): One. Two. Three.

WILL: I’m so sorry. I should’ve believed you when you told me you didn’t want me to meet your parents. I didn’t get it. Emma, stop. Please. (He takes EMMA’S hands.) Come on, let’s go to bed.

[EMMA kneels beside the bed.]

WILL: Wh-What are you doing?

EMMA: I’m praying. I do it all the time in my head, but right now, it’s just not enough. And when I need help, I know God hears me better on my knees. Something about the acoustics of the linoleum or something.

WILL: (sighs) I wish I could make things better for you, I…just don’t know how. I don’t have any clue what I’m doing down here… (laughs) But I’m willing to learn.

[EMMA kisses WILL on the shoulder. WILL sings “Fix you.” There are flashbacks to EMMA’S childhood and examples of EMMA’s OCD. ARTIE is shown hanging the cast list for the musical in the hallway. MIKE sees his name on the list and smiles, hugs TINA. SANTANA sees that she got the part of ANITA, and reluctantly smiles at BRITTANY. BLAINE hugs KURT when he sees that he’s been cast as Tony. The Glee Club (minus MERCEDES) is shown singing backup to “Fix You” in the auditorium. RACHEL sees her name on the casting list for Maria. She sadly looks over at MERCEDES, who is walking down the hallway. MERCEDES walks into SHELBY’S classroom.]

MERCEDES: Ms. Corcoran, I hear you’re starting a new group. You’re going to need some star power, so here I am.

[END.]

2x22 - New York

Wed, 23 Nov 2011 15:51:31 -0500

2x21 - Funeral

Wed, 23 Nov 2011 15:51:18 -0500

2x20 - Prom Queen

Wed, 23 Nov 2011 15:49:24 -0500

Air Date: May 10, 2011

Written By: Ian Brennan
Directed By: Eric Stoltz
Transcribed By: andyoullbelost

Featured Music:

Adele - Rolling in the Deep
Stevie Wonder - Isn’t She Lovely
Rebecca Black ft. Patrice Wilson - Friday
Christina Perri - Jar of Hearts
Black Kids - I’m Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend How to Dance with You
ABBA - Dancing Queen

—

[voiceover - recap]

So here’s what you missed on Glee. Prom’s coming up and Quinn’s desperate to win queen so she can hold on to Finn, who still sort of has eyes for Rachel. But Zizes also wants to be queen and Puck’s up for king. And Karofsky and Santana want to win, too, ‘cause they’ve both got a secret they’d like to keep. (SANTANA: Have you ever heard of the term ‘beards’?) Artie and Brittany were BF and GF, but he got mad and said she was stupid, and now they’re not BF and GF. (BRITTANY: You were the only person in this school who had never called me that.) Can you believe that? And that’s what you missed on Glee.

[cut scene — Jacob Ben Israel is talking to the camera in his trademark microphone.]

JACOB: Hi, everyone. It’s Junior Prom minus six days here at McKinley, and today I’m joined by Junior Prom King candidate, Noah Puckerman. [enter Puck.]

PUCK: I prefer ‘Puck’.

JACOB: So, Noah, can I get a comment on the recent poll number that put the Fabray-Hudson ticket ten points above you and Zizes, A.K.A. the Rogue Warriors?

PUCK: We’re still ahead of Santana and Karofsky by about a half a point, so our campaign strategy is to close the gap using a combination of intimidation and fear.

JACOB: Awesome and classy. One more question. This one was e-mailed in by a fan: Where does Lauren keep your balls?

PUCK: What?

JACOB: I’m sure you’ve heard the word on the street that you’ve been neutered by Miss Zizes, that she’s the one who wears the pants in the relationship?

PUCK: Shut up or I’ll beat your ass!

JACOB: I’m not scared, I’ve been hit by a girl before. [Jacob turns to camera] This is JBI signing off. Tune in tomorrow, when we’ll be interviewing frontrunner Quinn Fabray. Hubba-hubba.

[cut to title screen]

[cut scene — Figgins, Will, and Sue are entering Principal Figgins’ office.]

FIGGINS: I have some bad news.

SUE: Will Schuester is leaving McKinley to go to Broadway? Oh, William, I’m devastated, positively horny with grief. As a going-away present, here’s a spray bottle of I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter. Keep the head merkin looking buttery fresh.

FIGGINS: No, no. Junior Prom is in one week and my favorite band cancelled.

WILL: What band?

FIGGINS: Air Supply, William. So I’m inviting my next favorite group — the New Directions.

SUE: Nope. No way.

WILL: Um…I agree. I mean, normally, we would jump at the chance to perform, but, I mean, we’ve got Nationals in three weeks, which means we have a lot of rehearsals. And a lot of taffy to sell just so we can afford the trip.

FIGGINS: William, this glass is half full of dreams for all of us! I have decided to give all the money to the glee club that I was going to pay Air Supply! So that’s four hundred dollars right there for you.

SUE: I won’t allow it. I’m prom coordinator and I was not consulted. Each year, I honor the prom with a bowl of my family’s secret punch recipe, made all the more meaningful to me because it’s the punch bowl my grandmother drowned in. And each year, that punch bowl is spiked. Such lawlessness will only be encouraged when being screeched at by that glee club!

FIGGINS: Sue, it is not a discussion! We are in the lurch!

SUE: Fine. Well, then, let me take this opportunity to make a request. William, I have in my spanx at all times a list of the worst songs ever performed by the glee club. And I would appreciate it if you would not reprise any of the following numbers: number one, Run Joey Run. You should literally apologize to America for that one. Number two, the ingenious mashup of Crazy In Love and Hair. Now, I know you must’ve been pretty…pretty tired when you put that baby together.

WILL: If you’ll excuse me. [Will starts to leave room.]

SUE: We’ll see you at the prom, Butt Chin.

[Will leaves room.]

[cut scene — Santana, Lauren, and Brittany are entering choir room.]

LAUREN: I’ve been to Ann Taylor Loft, Filene’s Basement, and, like, six Forever 21s and I can not find a dress that fits. I’m gonna be forced to make my own dress for prom.

[Kurt enters room.]

BRITTANY: Don’t. You’ll seem poor.

SANTANA: You’re up for Queen, you can’t make your own prom dress. Prom is like our Oscars. It’s seriously, like, the most important night of our lives.

LAUREN: What about getting married?

QUINN: Oh, you can get married as many times as you want. You only have one shot at your Junior Prom.

[Mercedes enters room.]

MERCEDES: What are you guys talking about?

LAUREN: Prom dresses.

MERCEDES: Thank God I don’t have to worry about that. I’m not going.

KURT: Why not?

MERCEDES: ‘Cause nobody’s asked me.

[cut scene — Will is standing in front of whiteboard in choir room. ‘PROM’ is written on the board.]

WILL: Alright, guys — prom.

SAM: Please tell me we’re not doing songs about prom.

WILL: Nope — we are the prom. Figgins has asked us to perform.

RACHEL: Let’s do Run Joey Run.

[everyone in club gives her a skeptical look.]

WILL: Now, I know this isn’t ideal with Nationals coming up, but we really don’t have a choice. And, we could really use the money. But I know that prom is a special rite of passage. I want to make sure that all of you guys get a chance to enjoy the dance, too. So we’re gonna stag at the performances so that each and every one of you has a lot of time to dance with your dates.

MERCEDES: Excuse me. [Mercedes leaves the choir room.]

WILL: Is she okay?

QUINN: Mercedes doesn’t have a date for prom.

BRITTANY: So? I don’t have a date. I’m just going to dance. And then all of your dates are gonna ignore you and come dance with me, so…your dates are really my dates.

KURT: I’m gonna go talk to Mercedes.

RACHEL: No, let me. [Rachel leaves the choir room.]

[cut scene — Rachel is by the lockers in the hallways, walking over to Mercedes.]

RACHEL: Hey. You know, I don’t have a date to prom, either.

MERCEDES: You know, I know that I talk a good game about not needing a man, and I don’t. I just really want to take a date to the prom. I want the dress, and the guy…the damn corsage.

RACHEL: Somebody…somebody still may ask you.

MERCEDES: It’s this Saturday. You know, I just wanted to be Cinderella. Just for one night. One night where a guy would…would look at me under those corny crepe paper streamers and say, “You look so beautiful.” Then he’d grab my hand and ask me to dance. Isn’t that what prom is supposed to be about?

RACHEL: You’re not gonna go to prom alone. You’ll go with me.

MERCEDES: That’s even more depressing.

RACHEL: I have a plan.

[cut scene — Kurt and Blaine are at a table in Breadstix.]

KURT: Give me your hand. [Kurt takes Blaine’s hand.] Blaine Warbler, will you go to junior prom with me?

BLAINE: Prom?

KURT: It’ll be the social event of the season. [Kurt’s face falls.] You don’t want to go to prom with me? [Kurt pulls his hand away from Blaine’s.]

BLAINE: No, no, no, of course, of course I want to go with you! It’s just…prom.

KURT: What about prom, Blaine?

BLAINE: At my old school, there was a Sadie Hawkins dance, and…I had just come out. So I asked a friend of mine, the only other gay guy in the school. While we were waiting for his dad to pick us up, these three guys, um, beat the living crap out of us.

KURT: I…I-I’m so sorry.

BLAINE: I’m…I’m out and I’m proud and all, this is just still a bit of a sore spot.

KURT: This is perfect. You couldn’t face up to the bullies at your school, so you can do it at mine. We could do it together. But I have to say, Blaine, that if it makes you uncomfortable at all, we’ll just forget about prom. We’ll go to a movie instead.

BLAINE: I am crazy about you.

KURT: So I’ll take that as a yes?

BLAINE: Yes. [Kurt jumps excitedly in his seat.] You and I are going to the prom.

KURT: Mhm, mhm.

[cut scene — Sam and Rachel are walking downstage in the auditorium.]

SAM: Is this a surpise party or something? Because my birthday was last week.

RACHEL: It was? Um, no. Mercedes and I, we have a proposition for you.

MERCEDES: We were wondering if you’d like to go to prom with us.

RACHEL: Kind of like a three-way date, but not the dirty kind.

SAM: That sounds great, but I can’t afford to take one girl to the prom. I don’t know how I’m gonna take two.

[Rachel pulls out a few bills with a $20 bill on top.]

SAM: What’s this?

RACHEL: Our prom budget.

MERCEDES: You’re gonna have to borrow a suit from your dad [Rachel hands the $20 bill to Sam] and we’re gonna buy $5 dresses down at the Goodwill and make our own corsages out of flowers from my mom’s garden.

RACHEL: And we can walk to prom and then use what’s left to get the $8.99 all-you-can-eat pasta special at Breadstix. But, you know, the $20 — it’s not charity, it’s a loan.

MERCEDES: So…you’ll go with us?

SAM: It would be an honor. [Rachel jumps up and down excitedly.]

RACHEL: Yes!

[Rachel, Mercedes, and Sam all hug.]

[cut scene — Tina, Kurt, and Brittany are sitting down together on a couch in the school’s cooking room.]

KURT: Ladies, I appreciate you welcoming me into the sacred inner sanctum that is the prom gown dry run.

BRITTANY: Why did we decide to include Kurt?

TINA: Because getting a look past him is like getting a thumbs-up from Joan and Melissa Rivers. [Kurt laughs.] It just might boost our pre-prom buzz factor.

[Lauren walks out from behind the makeshift dressing room curtains in a large yellow dress.]

LAUREN: I look like a lemon meringue pie.

BRITTANY: I think you look delicious.

KURT: Don’t despair, nobody bigger than a size 2 looks good in a prom dress — I mean, they’re practically designed to make us look awkward. I think the color is wrong. Let’s go navy! [Tina claps while Brittany looks pleasantly surprised.]It’s chic and slimming.

LAUREN: Duly noted.

BRITTANY: Oh my god.

TINA: It’s brilliant, it’s brilliant. Absolutely.

KURT: Next!

[Santana walks out from behind the curtain in a one-shouldered satiny red dress. Tina claps.]

BRITTANY: I knew it.

KURT: Devil in a red dress. Perfect, and it’s totally appropriate for your personality. [Santana laughs.] I have no criticisms. Go with God, Satan — Santana! Now, if you ladies excuse me, I have to pool options for my own prom outfit.

SANTANA: Wait, so you’re going? Stag? [Kurt turns to face her.] That’s just tragic.

KURT: Yes, I’m going, and not alone. [Kurt turns to face Tina, Brittany, and Lauren.] With Blaine. [Tina claps excitedly.]

BRITTANY: Congratulations.

TINA: That’s amazing!

SANTANA: Ladies, if you excuse me, I have a private fashion question for Kurt.

BRITTANY: Okay.

[Santana and Kurt walk off to another part of the room.]

SANTANA: So, Kurt, I think that you need a full security detail, which the Bully Whips and I would be more than happy to provide you with. You know, like with the Hells Angels when the Rolling Stones performed at Altamont Speedway. I think that went off without a hitch.

KURT: And why would you do that?

SANTANA: Because I’ll get sympathy votes for prom queen. I’ll be like the law and order Eva Peron candidate. Grimace and Stretchmarks here won’t stand a chance.

[cut scene — Artie is opening his locker at McKinley, which has a picture of Brittany inside. Artie sighs. Enter Puck.]

PUCK: So, since you don’t have a date to the prom now, I was hoping you could help me out with operation Punch and Judy? Every year at McKinley, they crown a king and queen at the prom. But there’s a shadow world. A dark community of troublemakers that crown the prom anti-king.

ARTIE: You’re planning on that being you?

PUCK: My street cred’s in the gutter. If I actually win prom king with Lauren, I’ll never be able to rebuild my reputation as a lovable-but-dangerous miscreant. I have to spike Coach Sylvester’s punch.

ARTIE: What does this have to do with me?

PUCK: I’m prime suspect number one. Coach Sylvester won’t let me within ten feet of that bowl.

[flashforward to Puck’s fantasy of prom.]

PUCK [voiceover]: When she grabs me, I’ll create a diversion with my sweet dance moves. She’ll be mesmerized. Hypnotized by my love dance. That’s when you’ll sneak in behind us and pour a bottle of gin in the bowl.

[exit fantasy.]

PUCK: Awesome, right? So are you in? My ass-istant badass?

ARTIE: Look, I’m sorry. While I admire your badboy villainy and, yes, long for the day when I’m similarly cool, I just…I don’t think that spiking the prom punch will impress Brittany enough. There’s gotta be a surefire way for her to both forgive me and accept my prom proposal. There’s gotta be.

[cut scene — Several people paint designs in the auditorium. Enter Rachel, holding sheet music for ‘Rolling In The Deep’.]

RACHEL: Oh! Uh, members of the audio-visual club, I might possibly sing this song at prom and when I’m done rehearsing, I’d like your feedback. Tell me whether I was brilliant or simply outstanding. [musical number - Rolling In The Deep. Jesse St. James enters the auditorium and sings with Rachel.]

JESSE: It’s good to see you again, Rachel.

RACHEL: Jesse, what are you doing here?

[cut scene — Rachel and Jesse are sitting in the seats of the auditorium.]

JESSE: I mean, how was I supposed to know that I was actually supposed to show up to those other classes at school? I was majoring in show choir. I just assumed it would be like at Carmel and the school would get some Asian kid to take Math and English and Scientific for me.

RACHEL: That’s awful.

JESSE: I came back to see you, Rachel. What I did to you, it’s my one great regret.

RACHEL: Yeah. It was kind of weird. When one day, you were telling me that you loved me, and then you were inexplicably throwing eggs at my head the next.

JESSE: I know, I know. I traded love for a fourth consecutive national championship. It was a bum deal. For a first, maybe, but for a fourth, no way. I’ve come to make amends. So what are you doing for prom?

[cut scene — Rachel and Finn are walking down the hallway.]

FINN: So, I heard a nasty rumor that Jesse St. James is back in town, and I also heard that he’s going to be your date.

RACHEL: No, he’s joining Mercedes and Sam and I on our ‘prom on a budget’. He’s gonna be in town for a while, though, so I’m not sure what’s gonna come of it.

FINN: I just…I don’t trust him. I mean, don’t you remember what he did to you? How awful he was?

RACHEL: You can’t tell me what to do anymore, okay? If I want to date Jesse or anyone, for that matter, it stopped being your business when you broke up with me.

FINN: I still care about you.

RACHEL: Look. All I ask is that, whoever I choose, that you be as supportive of me as I’ve been with you and Quinn, even though I’m dying every day inside about it.

FINN: You know, I don’t even wanna go to the stupid prom anymore. Quinn’s got me handing out pens with our names on them, and where’s the dignity? And I hate renting those tuxes and the corsage. I know I’m gonna pick the wrong one and then Quinn’s gonna be all pissed off and her mom’s gonna look at me like —

RACHEL: Hey. Just…just get her something simple. A wrist corsage. Girls like Quinn, you don’t want to do anything that’s gonna distract from their face, so ask for a gardenia. With a light green ribbon wrapped around it to match her eyes. Okay? [Rachel walks off and Finn wathces her leave.]

[cut scene — Karofsky is walking down the stairs in his Bully Whips uniform talking into a walkie-talkie.]

KAROFSKY: Everything looks good. No gay protests or rainbow flags being lit on fire down this way.

SANTANA [on the other end]: Are you finished talking?

KAROFSKY: Yeah.

SANTANA: When you’re finished talking, you should say ‘over’.

KAROFSKY: Sorry. No burning Liberace mannequins. Over.

[Santana is standing on the other side of the hallway with Kurt in her Bully Whips uniform.]

SANTANA: Alright, Lady Lips. All clear. [Santana raises her voice.] Teen gay! You may now proceed to the next checkpoint without fear of violence!

KURT: Why are you speaking so loud?

SANTANA: I’m the law and order prom queen candidate.[Santana raises her voice again.] Here to protect every student at this school [girl bumps into Kurt’s shoulder and walks away] from harassment. [Santana points at the girl.]Did she…?

KURT: I’m walking away from you now. [Santana waves.]

[cut scene — Brittany, Tina, Kurt, and Mercedes are all in cooking class with a few female students. Brittany is holding an egg.]

TEACHER: Just crack the egg.

BRITTANY: I just don’t understand the difference between an egg with a baby chicken inside of it and an egg with an egg in it.

TINA: They’re the same thing.

BRITTANY: Okay, that’s really confusing, because this is a baby chicken’s house. [Kurt raises his hand.]

KURT: Ms. Hagberg? I understand that cupcakes are really trendy right now and I know that the making of a foie gras might be a little morose, but I would like to at least graduate high school knowing how to make some kind of pate.

[Enter Artie.]

ARTIE: Excuse me, Ms. Hagberg? I need to say something.[Artie wheels over to Brittany.] Brittany, I was a jerk to you. And I want to make it up to you with a song, so maybe you would consider going to prom with me.

KURT: A prom proposal! [Kurt claps excitedly.]

[musical number — Isn’t She Lovely. The rest of the New Directions boys sans Kurt join in with their own individual instruments.]

[Brittany rolls her eyes and claps while smiling.]

ARTIE: So?

BRITTANY: Artie, that was lovely. But I’m not gonna go to prom with you. [Artie’s face falls.] You called me stupid and I really didn’t like that. So, I’m sorry, but I’m gonna go to prom by myself, and really work on me, and dance with other people’s dates.

ARTIE: I understand. I…I hope you know how sorry I am.

BRITTANY: Yeah.

[Artie and the rest of the New Directions boys sans Kurt start to leave the classroom.]

PUCK: Dude. Sorry for the timing, but I’d really like to revisit the possibility of you helping me spike the punch bowl.

ARTIE: I’m in. Nothing to live for. [Artie turns around and shares one last look with Brittany before wheeling out.]

[cut scene — Blaine and Finn are on the couch in the Hummel-Hudson household’s living room.]

BLAINE: So you think it’s cool if I jam with you guys at prom?

FINN: Yeah, totally.

[enter Burt.]

BURT: Good news, boys. My buddy Enzo from the tux rental shop is giving you half off.

FINN: Sweet.

BURT: Yeah. So what are you gonna go with?

BLAINE: I’m going simple. Black, thin lapel collar, very discreet.

BURT: You know what I wore at my prom? I wore a powder blue tux with a ruffled shirt and a big velour bowtie. I looked like Tony Orlando.

BLAINE: Was that a designer?

BURT: No.

[enter Kurt in his prom outfit — a cropped jacket, black waistcoat, black bowtie, and green plaid kilt with knee-high boots.]

KURT: No need for half off my outfit!

BURT: Because half of it is already off?

KURT: My ensemble is an homage to the recent royal wedding and the late Alexander McQueen. I had to make it myself. There’s simply nothing off the rack that is suitable for the young fashionable man in Ohio.

FINN: Dude, that rocks. It’s like gay Braveheart. [Kurt twirls in his kilt.]

BURT: I don’t like it.

KURT: Well, of course you don’t like it! It’s not finished yet. I think it still needs, like, a sash, or maybe some beads.

BURT: I’m not gonna stop you from wearing it. But I gotta be honest, I think you’re just trying to stir the pot a little bit. I think you’re trying to get some attention.

KURT: Exactly! What’s the point of dressing up? I mean, that’s why some guys wear the tails or the top hat and the girls wear the hoop skirts. I mean, Blaine, help me out here!

BLAINE: I think your dad has a point. I think what he’s trying to say is that we just don’t want to give anyone a reason to cause any trouble.

BURT: There’s a lot of bad people out there, Kurt, and they’re a lot worse than this Karofsky kid. And all they’re looking for is a match to light under the fire of their hate. Of course, I want…I want you to be yourself. But I also…I want you to be practical.

KURT: Okay. I have done everything right. Now Blaine, I understand that, after what you’ve been through, you’re worried. But prom is about joy, not about fear. So I’m wearing this suit. I worked hard on it and I think it’s fantastic. And if you don’t want to join me, I completely understand. [Kurt leaves the room, leaving Blaine looking exasperated.]

[cut scene — Kurt and Karofsky are walking down the hallway side-by-side. Karofsky is in his Bully Whips uniform.]

KAROFSKY: Here we are, third period. French class. I’m going to Calculus, so wait inside the classroom after the bell rings until I get back to walk you to lunch.

KURT: Have you noticed that no one has said ‘boo’ to me this week?

KAROFSKY: ‘Cause the Bully Whips are protecting you.

KURT: Maybe. But maybe no one has been harassing me this week because no one cares.

KAROFSKY: You’re dreaming.

KURT: Okay, look. I’m not saying that everyone in this school is ready to embrace the gay, but maybe at least they’ve evolved enough to be indifferent. I see how miserable you are, Dave. I could just hate you when you were bullying me, but now, all I see is your pain. And you don’t have to torture yourself like this. I’m not saying you should come out tomorrow, but maybe soon the moment will arise when you can. [Karofsky begins to look near tears.]

KURT: What’s wrong? [Karofsky starts crying and takes his hat off.]

KAROFSKY: I’m so…I’m so freaking sorry, Kurt. I’m just so sorry for what I did to you.

KURT: I know, I know. [Karofsky recollects himself.]

KAROFSKY: Cool. Thanks. Remember, you’ll wait for me here, right? [Karofsky walks off and Kurt enters his classroom.]

[cut scene — Quinn is primping in her mirror while dressed in a light blue prom dress with sheer straps and sparkles on the bust.]

JUDY FABRAY [from downstairs]: Quinnie! Your date’s here!

[Quinn puts on a silver tiara. Cut to fantasy of Quinn and Finn having won prom queen and king with a crowd cheering for them. Finn waves to the crowd. Exit fantasy and cut to Finn downstairs in a tuxedo and light blue bowtie, talking to Quinn’s mother.]

FINN: One of the good things about being in glee club. You really get to know your way around a cummerbund.

[Quinn walks down the staircase slowly.]

JUDY: Let me get my camera. [Judy runs off.]

QUINN: You look great.

FINN: You’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen in my life.[Quinn smiles and walks closer to Finn.] I, uh…I got you a wrist corsage. [Finn opens a gold box with a bow on top and Quinn’s corsage inside. Her corsage is gardenia with a light green ribbon. He hands it to Quinn.]

QUINN: It matches my eyes.

FINN: I know. [Quinn leans in to kiss Finn, but they are interrupted when her mother comes back.]

JUDY: Okay, you two. Picture time. [she takes hold of Quinn’s arm.] Oh, you look like Cinderella! [to both of them]Let’s get together. Ah! Okay! Prom pose. [she takes a picture.]

[cut scene — Mercedes is posing at Breadstix, dressed in a pink-purple prom dress with scattered sparkles and a near-matching satiny shrug over her shoulders. At the table is Jesse, Rachel, and Sam.]

RACHEL: Mercedes, can I just say that you look fierce in your dress? [Jesse laughs.]

JESSE: Totally, Mercedes. You both look smoking.

MERCEDES: You’re damn straight, we do.

SAM: Seriously though, Jesse, what do you think of the bolo tie? Pretty cool, right? It’s all Springsteen-on-the-cover-of-Tunnel-Of-Love-album wearing it.

JESSE: Dude, that was like, 20 years ago. [Jesse laughs.]I’m really sorry to hear about what happened with your family, Sam.

RACHEL: Um, I hope it’s okay. I sort of filled Jesse in on what was going on.

JESSE: Of course it’s okay. Sam has nothing to be ashamed of. I know how tough it is out there. I couldn’t even get a job as one of those singing waiters at Johnny Rocket’s. But I’ve got an idea. They say that the best time to start any business is during a recession. I don’t know why, or even what a recession is, but it’s my understanding that we’re in one.

RACHEL: He’s so smart. I can’t believe he flunked out of college.

JESSE: So I was thinking. What are the two things that I’m great at? Show choir and destroying the competition. So, what if I opened up a dance studio where I could act as a consultant for show choirs looking to get that extra edge?

MERCEDES: Do you think there are enough show choirs to keep you in business?

RACHEL: Of course there are. That’s a brilliant idea. You could be like the Show Choir Whisperer. [Jesse and Rachel laugh.] I’m sure we could get Mr. Schue to hire him in a second and that’s how we could beat Vocal Adrenaline!

[Finn and Quinn walk up to the table.]

QUINN: Hey guys, you look amazing! And don’t forget to vote for Hudson-Fabray tonight.

FINN: Hey, Jesse! Whatcha ordering, scrambled eggs? I mean, I know you usually like them served on peoples’ heads.

JESSE: Quinn, you look stunning. The ghost of Grace Kelly. Let me know if you get tired of your boyfriend stomping on your pretty little feet all night, I’d be more than happy to cut in.

MERCEDES: Okay, hush, you guys. You’re totally ruining the vibe. Quinn, you look hot. Finn, you look handsome. Love you guys. But get lost. We’ll see you there! [Finn and Quinn leave.] Alright, this is gonna be off the hook. [Sam bangs his fists on the table.]

SAM: Who’s ready for prom?

RACHEL: I’m ready for prom!

[Everyone at the table cheers and knocks their drinks together.]

[cut scene — Puck, Sam, and Artie are on stage.]

[musical number - Friday. All the students have a good time dancing together.]

BRITTANY: Best prom ever!

[cut scene — Rachel is on stage.]

[musical number - Jar of Hearts. The students pair off and slow dance with each other. Finn and Rachel share meaningful looks throughout the whole song.]

[during number, Kurt and Blaine are standing, watching the rest of the students dance.]

KURT: Isn’t it great that the prom is so inclusive this year?

BLAINE: There’s someone for everyone. [camera focuses on Becky dancing with another boy with Down Syndrome.]

KURT: Even if it’s a lie. [camera focuses on Santana and Karofsky dancing together.]

[cut to couples dancing. Tina and Mike are scene kissing while slow dancing and Brittany is seen dancing with a female student. Cut to Mercedes sitting alone at a table, picking at her corsage. Sam walks over to her.]

SAM: Mercedes?

MERCEDES: Yes?

SAM: I just wanted to tell you that you look beautiful. Would you like to dance? [Sam holds out his hand to Mercedes.]

MERCEDES: I’d love to. [Mercedes smiles at takes Sam’s hand.]

[after number, the camera focuses on Quinn with her arms around Finn.]

QUINN: I’m so happy to be here with you. It’s what I’ve always wanted.

[cut to Puck talking to Artie.]

PUCK: Tora, tora, tora. It’s go time. [Puck walks over to Coach Sylvester, who is in front of the punch table, and starts dancing.]

Hey, Coach, wanna boogie?

SUE: There’s no music.

PUCK: It’s okay, I got the music in me. [Puck grabs Sue’s arm and tries to lead her away, but she turns her head to the punch bowl and finds Artie spiking it.]

SUE: Ah, ah, ah! [Sue grabs Artie’s arm.] In my office. Now.

[cut scene — Artie and Sue are in Sue’s office while Sue opens a case of dental tools.]

ARTIE: What are you doing?

SUE: I’m just showing you my dental kit.

ARTIE: Oh my God. You’re going to start pulling out my teeth, aren’t you?

SUE: No, no, no. That would get me sent to prison. What I am going to do is attempt to give you a simple cleaning, which as anyone who has been to the dentist will tell you, is an excrutiating affair of intense oral pain.

ARTIE: What? No, it isn’t. Who’s your dentist?

SUE: Sue Sylvester, D.D.S. Now, we can get all HMO up in your glee hole, or you can tell me who put you up to spiking my bowl. Come on, Legs. It was Puckerman, wasn’t it? Oh, he’ll get expelled and you’ll be one mohawk short at Nationals.

ARTIE: Please let me go. All I want is to get back out there and have one dance with Brittany.

SUE: Okay, let me get this straight. I’m trying to interrogate you and you just told me the one thing you really want! You are the worst POW ever. John McCain is rolling over in his grave.

[cut scene — Blaine, Brittany, and Tina are on stage.]

[musical number - I’m Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend How To Dance With You. Couples are seen dancing with each other.]

[during number, Jesse begins to kiss Rachel’s neck while she laughs. Finn walks over angrily.]

FINN: Hey. Hey. [Finn pulls Jesse off Rachel.] Dude, keep it PG.

JESSE: Dude, it’s none of Y.B. - Your Business.

FINN: Well, this is my school, so it’s my business.

JESSE: This isn’t your girlfriend, so beat it, MJ. [Jesse tries to turn around, but Finn pushes him back in his direction.]Don’t push me.

[Jesse and Finn begin pushing each other back and forth with increasing power while Quinn and Rachel try to stop them.]

[cut to Sue in her office with Artie’s mouth pried open and a pair of dental pliers in her hand. Becky runs into the doorway.]

BECKY: Code Blue in the gym, Coach.

[cut to Jesse and Finn pushing each other even more forcefully. A crowd has gathered. Finn swings a punch at Jesse and Jesse dodges it.]

[Blaine’s number ends and Sue runs over to Finn and Jesse and forces them off each other.]

SUE: Prom is over for you, Sugar Ray! [She turns to Jesse.]You two, Marvelous Marvin! You’re out, let’s go. [She grabs both of them and drags them away.]

FINN: You’re kicking me out?

QUINN: Wait, but he and I are nominated for prom king —

SUE: Sucks for you, sister!

[cut scene — Figgins is on stage.]

FIGGINS: Will the candidates for king and queen gather on the stage? [The candidates all walk onto the stage.] The votes are in. This is the moment you’ve all been waiting for, where we announce our Junior Prom King and also Prom Queen. Roll the drum, please. This year’s Junior Prom King is…[Figgins pulls the name out of an envelope.] David Karofsky! [the crowd cheers.] Achievement, achievement.

SANTANA: You suck so bad, Quinn Fabray. I won!

[Figgins crowns Karofsky and hands him a scepter. Karofsky holds up his scepter proudly.]

FIGGINS: And now, your 2011 McKinley High Prom Queen…[Figgins pulls the name out of an envelope.] With an overwhelming number of write-in votes is…[Figgins looks solemn.] Kurt Hummel. [the crowd is silent except for a few whoops, hollers, and claps.]

[camera focuses on Kurt looking shocked and the reactions of the other glee club members, then focuses on all of the other students looking at Kurt expectantly. Kurt runs out of the auditorium. Blaine runs after him.]

BLAINE: Kurt, stop. Kurt!

[cut to Kurt running down the hallway in tears with Blaine chasing after him.]

BLAINE: Stop, stop! Kurt! Please, just stop, come on. [Kurt stops running and turns around.]

KURT: Don’t you get how stupid we were? We had thought that, because no one was teasing us or beating us up, that no one cared. Like some kind of progress had been made. But it’s still the same.

BLAINE: It’s just a stupid joke.

KURT: No, it’s not. All that hate, and they were just afraid to say it out loud. So they did it by secret ballot. I’m one big, anonymous practical joke.

[cut to Quinn running into the girls’ bathroom in tears with Rachel chasing after her.]

RACHEL: Quinn, you need to calm down.

QUINN: This is your fault! Nobody ever would have voted for me because they know he would rather be with you.

RACHEL: That’s not true — [Quinn slaps Rachel across the face. Rachel looks at her, shocked.]

QUINN: I’m so sorry.

[cut to Santana enterig the choir room in tears with Brittany following her.]

SANTANA: How could my running mate win and I didn’t? I mean, just because I hate everybody doesn’t mean they have to hate me, too.

BRITTANY: It’s just a stupid crown, you can buy it at the party store.

SANTANA: I’m gonna be an outsider my whole life. Can’t I just have one night where I’m queen?

[the screen splits with Santana on the right and Kurt on the left.]

KURT: I’m not going back in there.

SANTANA: I’m accepted?

KURT: No way.

[the screen splits with Kurt on the right and Quinn on the left.]

QUINN: There’s no way I’m staying at this school. I’m gonna transfer.

[the screen splits with Quinn on the right and Santana on the left.]

SANTANA: As soon as we get to New York, I’m bailing to live in a lesbian colony. Or TriBeCa. [the screen transitions to being fully on Santana and Brittany.]

[cut to Kurt and Blaine in the hallway. Blaine is sitting on the ground against a locker and Kurt is pacing back and forth.]

BLAINE: Would you at least sit down? [Kurt stops but begins pacing again.] Do you wanna go? We don’t have to go back in there.

KURT: Wasn’t this prom supposed to be about redemption? About taking away that lump you had in your throat from running away? If we leave, all it’s gonna do is give me a lump, too.

BLAINE: So what do you wanna do?

KURT: I’m gonna go back in there and get coronated. I’m gonna show them that it doesn’t matter if they are yelling at me or whispering behind my back, they can’t touch me.[Kurt kneels in front of Blaine.] They can’t touch us or what we have.

[cut to Rachel touching her cheek in front of the mirror with Quinn next to her.]

RACHEL: Most girls would be upset about being slapped in the face, but I happen to appreciate the drama of it.

QUINN: I know you think it’s hard to be you, Rachel. At least you don’t have to be terrified all the time. [Rachel runs a square of paper towels under some water.]

RACHEL: What are you so scared of?

QUINN: The future. [Rachel hands the paper towels to Quinn.] When all this is gone. [Quinn wipes her eyes with the paper towels.]

RACHEL: Look, you have nothing to be scared of. You’re a very pretty girl, Quinn. Prettiest girl I’ve ever met. But you’re a lot more than that. Here. [Rachel wipes at Quinn’s eyes with some paper towels.]

[cut to Santana and Brittany in the choir room.]

SANTANA: They must have sensed that I was a lesbian. I mean, they must have. Do I smell like a golf course?

BRITTANY: People don’t know what you’re hiding, they just…they know that you’re not being yourself. If you were to embrace all the awesomeness that you are, you would have one.

SANTANA: How do you know?

BRITTANY: Because I voted for you. And because I believe in you, Santana.

SANTANA: This prom sucks. [Brittany shrugs.] Now what am I supposed to do?

BRITTANY: Go back out there and be there for Kurt. This is gonna be a lot harder for him than it is for you. [Brittany holds out a pack of tissues to Santana.]

[cut to Blaine holding out a pack of tissues for Kurt. Kurt wipes his nose and eyes while kneeling on the ground.]

[Blaine holds out his hand to Kurt.]

BLAINE: You ready for this? [Kurt takes his hand and gets up.]

[cut to Sue and Artie in Sue’s office.]

SUE: Well, Stumbles, it’s 10 PM. You’ve officially missed your prom.

ARTIE: I’m not gonna rat somebody out for doing something that I did. [Sue frowns.] I was upset and I wanted to impress a girl, but I wasn’t down on getting everyone wasted, so I poured a flask of lemonade into the punch.

SUE: Wait, you didn’t spike the punch?

ARTIE: Yes, I did!

SUE: With alcohol.

ARTIE: Oh. Yeah, then no, I didn’t.

SUE: Well, why didn’t you tell me that before? I was just about to pull out a couple of your molars!

ARTIE: So…can I go? [Sue opens the door to her office.]

SUE: You should really be ashamed of yourself. You are seriously no fun to interrogate or almost torture. [Artie wheels out.]

[cut to Kurt entering the auditorium and walking up on stage. All conversations halt and everyone turns to look at him.]

TINA [whispering to Mike]: Oh my god, I feel so bad for him.

FIGGINS: Ladies and gentlemen, your 2011 prom queen, Kurt Hummel. [Figgins places the crown on Kurt’s head and hands him a scepter.]

KURT: Eat your heart out, Kate Middleton. [most of the crowd begins smiling, cheering, and clapping. Figgins laughs and pats Kurt on the back.]

FIGGINS: And now, behold the tradition of our 2011 prom king and queen here in their first dance. [Karofsky gets on stage next to Kurt and the two slowly begin to walk offstage to dance.]

KURT: Now’s your moment.

KAROFSKY: What?

KURT: Come out. Make a difference.

[musical number - Dancing Queen. Santana and Mercedes begin to sing, looking unsure.]

KAROFSKY: I can’t. [Karofsky runs off, leaving Kurt alone.]

BLAINE: Excuse me. [Kurt turns around.] May I have this dance? [Blaine holds out a hand to Kurt.]

KURT: Yes. Yes, you may.

[the episode ends with Dancing Queen. The students dancing and the couples of New Directions dance and take pictures together while Santana and Mercedes sing.]

2x19 - Rumours

Wed, 23 Nov 2011 15:47:17 -0500

2x18 - Born This Way

Wed, 23 Nov 2011 15:44:19 -0500

Air Date: April 26, 2011

Written By: Brad Falchuk
Directed By: Alfonso Gomez-Rejon
Transcribed By: majormorris

Featured Music:

I Feel Pretty, from West Side Story / TLC - Unpretty
I’ve Gotta Be Me, from Golden Rainbow
Keane - Somewhere Only We Know
As If We Never Said Goodbye, from Sunset Boulevard
Duck Sauce - Barbra Streisand
Lady Gaga - Born This Way

—

VOICEOVER: So here’s what you missed on Glee. The glee club’s getting ready for Nationals, and Quinn’s getting ready to be prom queen.

(QUINN looks at prom crowns; Cut to FINN and QUINN by the lockers)

QUINN: We need to get elected for prom king and queen. It’s the ultimate status symbol.

VOICEOVER: Kurt had to leave McKinley because Karofsky threatened him…

(Cut to SUE, BURT and KURT in Sue’s office as principal)

SUE: I can’t expel a kid for shoving. He’ll just say, “I didn’t mean to shove that kid. I tripped.” Excuse works like a charm. I use it all the time.

VOICEOVER: But at least he’s got Blaine and the Warblers, who just lost at Regionals to the New Directions.

(Cut to BLAINE and KURT at PAVAROTTI’s grave)

BLAINE: We got each other out of all this. That beats a lousy trophy, don’t you think?

VOICEOVER: Santana’s got it bad for Brittany…

(Cut to ARTIE looking scared; Cut to BRITTANY and SANTANA in SANTANA’s room)

BRITTANY: This relationship is really confusing for me.

SANTANA: Breakfast is confusing for you.

BRITTANY: Well, sometimes it’s sweet and sometimes it’s salty. Like, what if I have eggs for dinner, then what is it?

(Cut to WILL and EMMA dancing to Touch-A Touch-A)

VOICEOVER: Will’s sort of always had it bad for Emma, but lately she’s gotten super crazy with the cleaning fruit and stuff.

(Cut to EMMA scrubbing fruit; Cut to EMMA talking to WILL in the hallway)

EMMA: I’m not following.

VOICEOVER: Like, seriously crazy.

(Cut to WILL and EMMA in the choir room)

WILL: One day, you’re going to find a way to beat this thing.

VOICEOVER: And that’s what you missed on Glee.

(Cut to New Directions and WILL onstage in the auditorium)

WILL: All right, guys. Nationals are just a few weeks away, and it’s time to bear down. Okay, your singing at Regionals was amazing, but your dancing…It’s booty camp time.

ARTIE: Booty!

WILL: So let’s get it going. Five, six, seven, eight. Push yourselves, guys. Vocal Adrenaline takes no prisoners.

(FINN smacks RACHEL in the nose with his arm; She falls to the ground holding her nose)

FINN: Oh! I’m so sorry.

WILL: Are you okay?

RACHEL: I’m bleeding.

WILL: Let’s get you to a doctor.

(Cut to RACHEL and FINN in the DOCTOR’s office)

RACHEL: My dad’s will be here in 15 minutes. You don’t have to stay, Finn.

FINN: No, I want to wait and hear what the doctor says. I feel terrible.

RACHEL: Won’t Quinn be mad at you sitting vigil at my bedside?

FINN: Well, I’m standing, and-and she’d understand how awful I feel even if it’s not broken.

(Enter DOCTOR with an X-ray)

DOCTOR: It’s broken.

FINN: Well, I knew I was a bad dancer, but I never thought my dancing was dangerous.

DOCTOR: It’s a clean break, so I-I won’t have to set it. Considering your deviated septum, I’d consider this a terrific opportunity for a little vanity adjustment.

RACHEL: Are you suggesting that I get a nose job?

DOCTOR: You’re 16, right? That’s when I gave my daughters theirs. It’s like a right of passage for Jewish girls.

RACHEL: First of all, I like how I look.

DOCTOR: (To FINN) She your girlfriend?

FINN: No.

DOCTOR: What does your girlfriend look like?

RACHEL: Okay, and second of all, I don’t want to do anything that’s going to affect my voice. My Broadway career depends on it.

FINN: Yeah, we got a big show choir competition coming up, and Rachel’s kind of our best singer.

DOCTOR: Doesn’t impact the voice. That’s just a myth. The fact is, opening up that septum might allow you to take in more air per breath, which means bigger belts on you high notes.

RACHEL: But Barbra…

DOCTOR: Is great. She’s also one in a million. The fact is, if you really want to be an actress, you might want to consider looking and sounding the best that you can. I got an appointment open next week. Can I sign you up?

(Cut to New Directions and WILL in the choir room; RACHEL is standing in the front)

QUINN: Oh my God, you’re getting a nose job.

RACHEL: I’m…considering having a minor procedure to repair my deviated septum.

SANTANA: So, a nose job.

RACHEL: Look, I’m… I’m happy with the way that I look, okay? And I’ve embraced my nose. But let’s say I wanted to have a slightly more demure nose. Like Quinn’s, for example. I-I would never change my appearance for vanity, but, I mean, the doctor said that it could possibly improve my talent, which would help us all for Nationals.

WILL: Possibly? What about the risks? Your voice is amazing as is, Rachel.

SANTANA: Hold up. Could we all just get real here for a second? I hear that Rachel’s got a bit of a schnoz. I mean, I wouldn’t know because, like Medusa, I try to avoid eye contact with her. But can we all just stop lying about how there aren’t things that we wouldn’t change about ourselves? I mean, I’m sure that Sam’s been at the doctor’s office and rifled through pamphlets on mouth reduction. I’ll bet Artie’s thought about getting his legs removed since he’s not really using them anyways. And I’m definitely sure that Tina’s looked into getting an eye de-slanting.

TINA: That’s extraordinarily racist.

SANTANA: I’m keepin’ it real.

TINA: Sorry, Santana. I’m a beautiful person. I’m in love with myself, and I would never change a thing.

MIKE: Is that why you’re wearing blue contacts today, Tina? (murmurs) Self-hating Asian.

TINA: Not many Asian sex symbols, Mike. I’m just trying to be in fashion and mirror what I see in the magazines.

FINN: My dancing kind of bothers me. Uh, it almost killed Rachel, but I like the way I look.

SANTANA: Oh, please. You have weird, puffy pyramid nipples. They look like they’re filled with custard. (SAM tries to look at FINN’s nipples; FINN slaps him away) You could dust them with powdered sugar and they could pass for some sort of dessert. Look, maybe Rachel’s fine with having an enormous beak. Maybe she needs it to crack hard seeds. All I’m saying is that if you look in the mirror and you don’t like what you see, you should change it.

WILL: Whoa, guys. I’m really shocked at what I’m hearing here. It goes against everything the glee club stands for. I’m telling you, the thing you would most like to change about yourself is the most interesting part of you.

MERCEDES: Well, maybe, but at this school, the thing that makes you different is the thing people use to crush your spirit.
(RACHEL sits down; Cut to WILL and EMMA in EMMA’s office; They’re scrubbing fruit)

WILL: Rachel’s a beautiful girl. She doesn’t need a nose job. Saying that she’s doing it to enrich her talent is just a convenient excuse to deal with the fact that she’s insecure about how she looks.

EMMA: Most of the adults we know have trouble embracing their eccentricities, so how can we expect kids to?

WILL: Well, then, it should be our job to help them. I don’t want my legacy as a teacher to be conjugated verbs and Glee Club trophies. I want to help them love themselves for who they are, warts and all-Especially warts. How long do we have to do this for?

EMMA: Until they’re all clean.

WILL: I mean, I’m really enjoying helping you with your OCD.

EMMA: Do you know what? I really don’t like that term, really. It sounds way too scientific and serious. I really prefer “neat freak” or “cleany bug.” But, Will, I really have to tell you, I’m so appreciative of all your help. Really, I have so much more free time now that there are four hands polishing all of my fruit.

WILL: I’m really glad…but shouldn’t we be figuring out some techniques you can use to eat your food without scrubbing it?

EMMA: You mean with germs and pesticides all over it?

WILL: No, I mean, really deal with your issues on this stuff.

EMMA: Will, I’ve tried, you know, and I… I may not have been born this way, but this is my lot in life. There’s nothing I can do about it.
Thank you.

EMMA: What for?

WILL: I know how I’m going to get the kids to accept what their differences are—By using their two favorite teachers: Me and Gaga…but I’m gonna need your help.

(Cut to SANTANA defacing a QUINN/FINN prom poster)

SANTANA: (voiceover) I should be prom queen at this school. If I were prom queen, I could get Brittany to drop the four-eyed loser and go for the real queen. (She stares longingly at BRITTANY and ARTIE) She’s so gullible, I could convince her that by royal decree, I’d made her being with me the law of the land. That’s never going to happen. I don’t have the votes. Unless I could get the jock block.

(SAM passes by on his way to the water fountain)

SAM: Jack Ryan, you’ve just boarded the Red October. Sean Connery.

SANTANA: (voiceover) And God knows Sam doesn’t have the heat at this school yet. (KAROFSKY passes by) Hold on, there’s someone at this school who just might have the juice…Dave Karofsky. (SANTANA catches him staring at SAM’s butt) Holy crap. I’m a closet lesbian and a judgmental bitch which means one thing. I have awesome gaydar.

(Cut to MERCEDES, TINA, KURT, BLAINE and SANTANA at the Lima Bean coffeehouse; SANTANA is staring longingly at BRITTANY and ARTIE sitting at a different table)

MERCEDES: You haven’t asked us anything about our New York trip.

TINA: Is it because it’s too painful?

KURT: Yes, as a matter of fact, but while the New Directions are preparing to perform at Nationals, the Warblers are preparing to perform at a nursing home in a strip mall next to a National Bank. But I’m so proud of you guys.

TINA: We miss you so much.

MERCEDES: Isn’t there any way you could come back to McKinley?

BLAINE: I told him, I would be all for it if it wasn’t for Karofsky.

SANTANA: Wait, what did you just say?

BLAINE: Kurt needs to be safe.

KURT: Okay, can we please change subject?

BLAINE: I’m just saying…

SANTANA: (voiceover) That’s it. Kurt’s the trick to winning prom queen and getting Britt, not to mention totally boosting our chances at Nationals. If I could get Kurt back, I’d be a hero. Even Quinn and Finn
would vote for me. And the key? Karofsky. (She stands up to leave) I’ve gotta gay— Go. Go— I’ve got to go.

(Cut to New Directions, WILL and EMMA in the choir room; WILL writes ACCEPTANCE on the board)

FINN: Um, why is Ms. Pillsbury here?

WILL: She’s helping us out with this week’s assignment. Now, this is the only club at school that is represented by just about every race, religion, sexual orientation and clique, but many of you are still having a hard time with acceptance.

MEREDES: That’s crazy, Mr. Shue. We love each other.

WILL: No, I won’t deny that you accept each other, but you don’t accept yourselves. This week’s assignment has two parts. I want all of you to sing songs about accepting yourself for who you are— The best and the worst parts.

RACHEL: What’s the second part?

WILL: Well, we’re going to do a group number by the queen of self-love—Gaga. (They cheer) We’re going to perform her anthem to acceptance—“Born This Way.”

MERCEDES: Yes!

FINN: Wait, wait, I still don’t know why Ms. Pillsbury is here.

EMMA: I’m here to help you with your costumes for the big number. Each of you will be issued a beautifully fitted white T-shirt. We will then use this letter press…to write a word or a phrase that best describes the thing about you that you’re the most ashamed of or you’d like to change but you can’t because you were born that way, which is super terrific.

WILL: I want you to love those parts of you, you know, embrace them, wear them on your chest with pride.

MIKE: Can you give an example?

WILL: Yeah. (He looks at EMMA) It’s the big moment.

(She opens her sweater and her shirt says GINGER)

WILL: Wow, Emma, I thought the whole purpose of you doing this was to write…

EMMA: Being a ginger has plagued me my entire life. People say that I smell like copper, I can get a sunburn indoors at night, and according to recent legend, I have no soul, but I’m here to say that this very curse is what makes me unique. Children, I claim my ginger hood before you today. I was born this way. Hooray. Hooray! Hooray!

(Cut to LAUREN staring at the prom crowns in the hallway; Enter PUCK)

PUCK: Those crowns are a crock. You know what I found out? Not real jewels.

LAUREN: A crown hasn’t rested on my head since I won Miss Tiara Toddler Allen County.

PUCK: Are you serious?

LAUREN: Yeah, three years in a row. I dominated in Western Wear and Runway, but my real talent was baby pull-ups.

(Cut to young LAUREN doing baby pull-ups at a competition)

CROWD: 31! 32! 33!

(Cut back to LAUREN and PUCK in the hallway walking away from the crowns)

LAUREN: I was on my way to becoming Miss Ohio. That is, until the shoddy Zizes thyroid kicked in as well as a love of chips, and suddenly I was denied entry into the pageant circuit. They said I no longer looked the part. My dreams were dashed.

(LAUREN sees QUINN putting up prom posters)

LAUREN: There’s our future queen…a size-two teenage dream.

PUCK: You know what? We’re going to change that.

LAUREN: How?

PUCK: Baby, you’re going to get that crown, and I’m gonna be your king.

(Cut to RACHEL and QUINN waiting in the DOCTOR’s office)

RACHEL: Thanks for doing this.

QUINN: I’m surprised more girls haven’t asked me. My nose is awesome. I can totally count on your vote, right?
RACHEL: Yeah. To… totally. So, what’s it like? Looking like you look? I pretty much have a warped sense of the world. Being a hot 17-year-old, you can get away with or do anything you want, so I kind of always assume that people are always nice and accommodating.

(Enter the DOCTOR)

DOCTOR: Okay. So, we, uh, ready to pull the trigger?

RACHEL: No, not… not quite yet. Um, I was kind of hoping that I could get an idea of what I might look like after the procedure. Um, this is my friend Quinn.

DOCTOR: Nice nose.

QUINN: Thank you.

DOCTOR: Very nice.

QUINN: Yeah, well, Rachel wants it.

DOCTOR: No problem. So I’ll click some pics, make up some photo composites. We’ll be ready to rock and roll.

(QUINN and RACHEL sing “I Feel Pretty/Unpretty” while in the doctor’s office; Cut to shots of them in their respective bedrooms as well as in the bathroom putting make up on; Cut to them singing the duet in the choir room in front of the rest of the club and WILL; They finish but RACHEL looks upset and QUINN looks regretful)

WILL: Beautiful job, ladies.

(Cut to three girls looking at a poster for LAUREN as prom queen; QUINN passes by)

GIRL 1: She’s got my vote.

GIRL 2: She’s such an inspiration.

GIRL 3: It’s nice to see someone like me on a poster for a change.

(QUINN strides over to LAUREN across the hall)

QUINN: What are you doing?

LAUREN: Oh, hey. I’m running for prom queen.

QUINN: As a joke, right?

LAUREN: Does it look like I’m joking?

QUINN: Well, when your name appears on that ballot, the whole school’s going to think it’s a laugh riot, and you may just get enough votes to win.

LAUREN: That’s sort of the idea.

QUINN: And as everybody snickers as they try to squeeze that tiara onto your head, somebody’s going
to spill pig’s blood on you, or something like that, and you’ll become more of an outcast than you already are.

LAUREN: Okay. I don’t know exactly what your problem is, but you best bring it, Fabray. Because I’m hot as hell, I keep it real, and the people at this school want a prom queen who’s like them.

QUINN: No, they want a prom queen who’s somebody they’d like to be.

LAUREN: Look. Not everybody can be born pretty like you. But just so you know, who you are inside and who you pretend to be to the rest of the world—They’re two different people.

QUINN: You don’t know anything about me, Lauren. Anything. But you know what? You’re about to. Because it just got personal.

(Exit QUINN; Cut to SANTANA and KAROFSKY at the Lima Bean)

KAROFSKY: I knew you’d ask me out eventually. I’m kind of Duke Stud at McKinley.

SANTANA: Give it up. I know.

KAROFSKY: Know what?

SANTANA: That you’re gay.

KAROFSKY: What? Who told you that?

SANTANA: No one had to tell me. First of all, I saw you checking out Sam’s ass the other day. You know, you really need to be more careful with your leering.

KAROFSKY: I didn’t. I was just seeing what jeans he was wearing.

SANTANA: Like that’s any less gay. Second of all, I know about you and Kurt. Remember last week before the benefit? About you being worried about “the truth” getting out. Guess what. It’s out.

KAROFSKY: Whatever they told you is a lie to mess with me. I’m going to kick their asses.

SANTANA: Okay, you know what? Why don’t you just settle down and let Auntie Tana here tell you a little story. It’s about you. You’re what we call a “late in life gay.” You’re going to stay in the closet, get married, get drunk to have relations with your wife, have a couple kids, maybe become a state senator or a deacon, and then get caught in the men’s room tapping your foot with some page, and you know what? I accept that about you.

KAROFSKY: Why are you doing this?

SANTANA: Because I need you, and you need me. We play on the same team.

KAROFSKY: You’re…

SANTANA: Look, I’m not ready to start eating jicama or get a flat top yet, either. Maybe in junior college.

KAROFSKY: This is garbage. I’m not gay.

SANTANA: I’m trying to help you out here. Have you ever heard of the term “beards?” It’s when a gay man and woman date each other to hide the fact that they’re gay. Like the Roosevelts. So you and I are going to be each other’s beards, and then we’re going to win prom king and queen and rule the school.
KAROFSKY: And what if I say no?

SANTANA: Then I’m going to tell everyone about you, and your life will be over. The only straight I am is straight-up bitch. You in or not?

(Cut to FINN and QUINN by their lockers)

FINN: What you’re doing is terrible.

QUINN: I have a nice nose. Rachel asked me for help, and I’m giving it to her. And once again, we are fighting about Rachel. I’m your girlfriend.

FINN: Look, this isn’t about who’s my girlfriend. Mr. Shue is trying to get us to accept ourselves for who we are, and you’re helping Rachel do the exact opposite. That’s not cool.

QUINN: Yeah, well, maybe I’m not down with this week’s lesson.

(Exit QUINN)

FINN: I love this lesson.

(Cut to FINN and MIKE dancing in front of everyone in the choir room; FINN sings “; The club cheers)

WILL: All right, Finn! Perfect! See, guys, someone who’s not afraid to point out something they’re really bad at.

FINN: But I’m getting better, right?

(WILL doesn’t answer; FINN sits down next to QUINN and they kiss)

RACHEL: Mr. Schuester? May I have the floor, please?

WILL: It’s yours.

RACHEL: So, as all of you know, I’ve had a few consultations with a doctor who specializes in rhinoplasty.

TINA: Yes, we know. That’s all any of us have been talking about. And we think it’s a terrible idea.

RACHEL: Okay. Blue eyes, you’re such a hypocrite.

TINA: I admit, yes, I don’t like my eyes sometimes—The shape, the color—But your self-hatred, Rachel, has helped me see the light.

RACHEL: I love myself.

TINA: Not enough, clearly. When you get a nose job, when you change your eyes, when you bleach your freckles, you’re just announcing to the world, “I don’t like myself very much.” The drams of this week have made me realize, if I don’t have many Asian sex symbols to look up to, I have an obligation to maybe become one myself. My new mantra is “Be the change you want to see in the world.”

MIKE: I love you so much right now.

(MIKE and TINA kiss and start to passionately make-out)

RACHEL: Uh… okay, uh…

WILL: Okay, okay, okay.

(WILL pulls MIKE away from TINA)

RACHEL: Besides Tina’s abrupt personal transformation, the compositions came back from the doctor, showing what my nose would look like slightly altered, and I have to say, I’m really happy with the results. They’re less Hebraic, and more Fabrayic.

(RACHEL shows the club the pictures and it is clearly QUINN’s nose on RACHEL’s face)

WILL: That doesn’t really look like you.

PUCK: Every year, girls show up to my temple after their 16th birthday, looking suddenly slightly different. And you know what? Even though it’s easier to make out with them without getting constantly stabbed in the eye, they’re not as hot.

RACHEL: Well, this isn’t about being hot. It’s about conquering your destiny, and finding something in yourself that you want to change and change it. Plus, they said that it could improve my voice, so…Look, if you guys aren’t willing to support my decision, then I’m pretty accustomed to making it on my own.

FINN: Rachel, please don’t do this. You’re beautiful.

RACHEL: This isn’t a discussion. I have made up my mind. Rachel Berry is getting a nose job.

(Cut to WILL and EMMA in the teacher’s lounge)

EMMA: Hey.

WILL: Hey.

EMMA: How’s the assignment going?

WILL: Well, I actually wanted to talk to you about that.

EMMA: Oh.

WILL: The word you put on your T-shirt.

EMMA: Ginger?

WILL: Right. I was a little disappointed. You and I both know you should have put OCD on it.

EMMA: Well, I don’t think it’s appropriate to talk about such personal things with them. Really, those kids have to trust me. I’m supposed to be a role model.

WILL: And you’re not being one. We’re trying to teach these kids to…to accept themselves, and you refuse to.

EMMA: Will, you know I wasn’t born this way. It all started when I was five.

WILL: And you never had any anxiety before that?

EMMA: I understand I was a very colicky baby. I mean, I remember getting kicked out of preschool because I was having panic attacks when they made us use manila paper, but…

WILL: You have a severe anxiety disorder, Emma. All of us just humor it because you function so well, and you’re so cute about it, but it’s really keeping you from enjoying your life.

EMMA: Okay, fine. Do you know what? If you want me to wear a shirt that says “Batty” or “Loon” on it, I will. Totally fine. So what if I like my fruit free of contaminants? Isn’t that healthy?

WILL: You know what I want? I want you to have lunch with me.

(WILL takes out a few boxes of fruit)

EMMA: Is that unwashed fruit?

WILL: Yep. Here. Have a blueberry.

(He eats some blueberries and offers her some; She recoils)

EMMA: Ugh!

WILL: Come on.

EMMA: Uh-uh. No. Stop. This isn’t funny.

WILL: I’m just trying to help you get better. I think accepting the fact that you have a problem is the first step.

EMMA: Okay, what? And you think torturing me with unwashed fruit’s going to make me take that step?

WILL: You know what I think, Emma? I think you are an expert at deflection.

EMMA: Is that a new shirt?

WILL: And I think you work so hard at helping other people—counseling them—So that you can avoid doing the hard, painful work on yourself.

(Exit WILL; Cut to KAROFSKY, FIGGINS, WILL and New Directions in the choir room; KAROFSKY and FIGGINS are up front)

FIGGINS: Okay, listen, I’m all…That’s all I’m asking for. Let me finish. Excuse me. Quiet!

LAUREN: No.

FIGGINS: Quiet, okay?

FINN: We don’t care what he has to say.

FIGGINS: Shh. Now, I know David has had some issues in the past, but I have great respect for what he’s doing right now, and I ask you to hear him out. Thank you.

SAM: How ‘bout we punch his face in?

MERCEDES: Right.

WILL: Okay, that’s enough, guys. Everyone listen up.

KAROFSKY: First, I just want to say how sorry I am for what I did to Kurt and for what I’ve done to a lot of you. I think I’ve slushied every one of you.

(Cut to a short montage of everyone being slushied)

KAROFSKY: I treated Kurt the worst, and I’m really ashamed of who I am and what I did.

PUCK: Why should we believe you?

KAROFSKY: You don’t have to. I know I’ll need to earn your trust. All I can say is that Santana has really helped me to see the light. She showed me all these stories online about kids jumping off of bridges and hanging themselves because they were being bullied so bad. I couldn’t believe someone could make another person feel that awful, but she helped me accept that I was one of those bad people, and I don’t want to be anymore.

QUINN: Wait. Santana?

(SANTANA stands up and joins KAROFSKY)

SANTANA: This Glee Club is not complete. Not without Kurt. So I’ve taken it upon myself to try to rehabilitate Dave to see if maybe Kurt would consider coming back and help us win nationals. I did this for us, and then something funny happened. Something…called love.

(KAROFSKY and SANTANA hold hands; BRITTANY looks somber)

TINA: I’m going to barf.

(PUCK gags)

KAROFSKY: I want Kurt to feel safe to come back, which is why Santana and I have started a new club—The Bully Whips.

SANTANA: The name was my idea. We’re going to be like guardian angels.

FIGGINS: I have deputized David and Santana and the rest of their club to roam the halls, identifying bullying and stopping it in its tracks.

(Cut to SANTANA and DAVE walking down the hallway as “The Bully Whips”; AZIMIO is harassing a kid)

AZIMIO: I’m saying I want the pants, okay? The ones you have on right now.

KID: Then, what will I wear for the rest of the day?

AZIMIO: That’s a YP— Your problem, not an MP— My problem.

KAROFSKY: Hey, Z, back off.

AZIMIO: Say what? What is this? Berets?

SANTANA: Everyone deserves a safe school environment. Don’t pick on this kid. It’s not cool, and we won’t allow it anymore.

(Cut back to the choir room)

KAROFSKY: I’m planning on reaching out to Kurt personally, through Principal Figgins, to try to make amends. This is a chance to really change this place. I hope you can support us.

(Cut to FIGGINS, KURT, BURT, KAROFSKY, PAUL KAROFSKY and WILL in FIGGIN’s office)

BURT: You know, you talk a great game, but all I’m hearing is talk, and talk isn’t going to keep Kurt safe.

FIGGINS: But the anti-bullying club that David started will. The fact is, since the club began enforcing the no-bullying rule, we haven’t had one incident.

BURT: Yeah, and if I took all the water out of the ocean, it wouldn’t be wet anymore. The bullying stopped because your top offender stopped.

PAUL KAROFSKY: Mr. Hummel. Can I call you Burt?

BURT: Of course.

PAUL: You remember how understanding I was about this when it all began. I didn’t come to David’s defense I believed your son. That’s because the David I was seeing was not the young man I knew. The boy I raised was a Cub Scout. He was kind, he was a good citizen. I still don’t know what was going through his mind when all this bullying started, but I can tell you that the David I’m seeing now is my son, back again. This…this is real.

BURT: Do you have any idea how much stress this has caused my family? My son having to leave his friends. My wife and I spending money we don’t have on private school ‘cause of your son.

PAUL: Burt, were you always so accepting of homosexuals? We’re the same age. I remember what we used to say about the gays when we were younger. Now, it’s taken us a long time to figure out what’s right. Why can’t you just allow David the couple months that it’s taken him to figure it out?

BURT: Because he said he’s going to kill my son!

KAROFSKY: I never actually meant that, though. It’s just a figure of speech.

BURT: How’s he supposed to know what?

WILL: Your words still matter, David.

KAROFSKY: I know. You have to believe how awful I feel about them. Those ones, especially. That’s not me. Not anymore.

WILL: What do you think, Kurt?

KURT: I believe he realizes what he did was wrong.

BURT: You’re only saying that because you want to be back in this school so bad.

KURT: Can Dave and I speak for a moment alone? You can wait right outside in the hall.

WILL: Let’s go. Yeah.
(Exit PAUL, BURT, FIGGINS and WILL)

KURT: What’s your angle here?

KAROFSKY: I’m just trying to make things right.

KURT: David, I know, remember? And I haven’t told anyone.

KAROFSKY: Why? It would have made your life a lot easier.

KURT: I don’t believe in denying who you are, but I don’t believe in outing, either. But still, you owe me. The truth. What’s going on here?

KAROFSKY: It was Santana’s idea. She wants to be prom queen, so she figures, if we can get you back, we’ll get everyone to vote for us.

KURT: I’m both repulsed and impressed by her Lady Macbethian ways. Hmm. A Latina Eve Harrington. Okay, if you’re gonna be gay, you simply must know who that is.

KAROFSKY: Look, I don’t know for sure I am gay, okay? Stop being such a broken record.

KURT: Okay, I have several options here. I could tell everyone the truth about you…

KAROFSK:Y Dude, I said I’m sorry. You said you wouldn’t do that!

KURT: Hold on. Or I can return here and marvel with pride at your new anti-bullying movement, which I fully believe in, and further demand that you and I start a chapter of PFLAG here at William McKinley. Parents, Family and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. You need to be educated, David. You may not have to come out, but you need to be educated.

KAROFSKY: Oh, man, just kill me now.

(BURT, FINN, FIGGINS, WILL and PAUL watch from the outside)

BURT: Just keep an eye on your brother.

FINN: One step ahead of you.

(KURT looks at them with a triumphant expression; Cut to RACHEL in the bathroom looking at her nose; Enter PUCK)

RACHEL: You can’t be in here, Noah.

PUCK: It’s cool. I checked through the peep hole I drilled last year to make sure no one was going.

RACHEL: What can I help you with today?

PUCK: I just want to talk to you, one hot Jew to another.

RACHEL: Oh, God. Look, it’s my nose, okay? I am tired of the lectures.

PUCK: Hear me out. Why are you getting Quinn’s nose? If you want to breathe better, why don’t you have him give you Karl Malden’s nose? Your nose has been passed down from generation to generation as a birthright. It’s a sign of the survival of our people.

RACHEL: This has nothing to do with our religion.

PUCK: I need one hour of your time tomorrow. Just one hour. Give me that, and I’ll never bug you again.

(Cut to New Directions standing in the courtyard)

PUCK: What the hell’s going on?

MERCEDES: Well, my fellow Glee Clubbers, it’s noon, which means…it’s official.

SAM: What’s official?

KURT: My transfer! Kurt Hummel’s back at McKinley!

(They all go and hug him)

TINA: Hi.

KURT: Let me breathe! Let me breathe! Let’s get ready for Nationals.

MERCEDES: Not yet. See, there’s a reason we’re meeting here today. There’s some people that wanted to say good-bye to you, Kurt

(Enter BLAINE and the Warblers)

BLAINE: Kurt, Dalton’s gonna miss you. You were a great addition to the Warblers, and you made us a better team. I’m sad to see you go, but we all know this is something that you really want. And I’ll still have you after school and on the weekends, but these guys won’t, so they wanted to say good-bye.

ASIAN WARBLER: And thank you, Kurt.

(BLAINE and the Warblers sing “Somewhere Only We Know” by Keane; It’s actually pretty good; All of the Warblers hug KURT as they leave; FINN and MERCEDES hug him as well; KURT and BLAINE hug)

KURT: I’m never saying good-bye to you.

(Exit BLAINE; New Directions approaches KURT and they hug him)

SANTANA: Hi.

MERCEDES: Hey.

SANTANA: No crying, no crying.

TINA: We love you.

(Cut to KURT singing “As If We Never Said Goodbye” while walking around McKinley and the choir room; It’s beautiful; Cut to LAUREN passing QUINN in the hallway)

LAUREN: Hey, Lucy.

QUINN: What did you just call me?

LAUREN: Well, that certainly got your attention. Can we speak privately?

(QUINN follows LAUREN into an empty classroom)

LAUREN: Well, you may want to have a seat. (QUINN sits) My dad’s college roommate was G. Gordon Liddy…and he taught my pop a valuable lesson.

(Cut to LAUREN and PUCK breaking into an office and looking at student files)

LAUREN: He said the key to any campaign is digging up dirt on your opponent, so I did a little digging.

PUCK: Dude, my permanent record has three volumes. I don’t remember doing half this stuff.

LAUREN: (She picks up a file that says FABRAY, QUINN) Jackpot. (Cut back to the classroom) You moved to Lima after eighth grade, right?

QUINN: I transferred from Fairbrook. That’s not a secret.

LAUREN: Well, you must have had a pretty lousy attendance record because (Cut to LAUREN on the phone in the Lima Bean) I called Fairbrook Middle School and they didn’t have a record of anyone named Fabray, which makes sense, as you actually lived in an unincorporated part of Fairbrook Township, which would have meant you would have gone to Belleville Middle School, not Fairbrook. So I took a little field trip.

QUINN: You didn’t.

LAUREN: I did. And you know what? They didn’t have a record of anyone named Quinn Fabray, either. They did, however, have someone named Lucy Fabray—Lucy Q. Fabray, to be exact, and she looked like this. You can kind of see the resemblance if you look past the nose job and subtract, eh, 70 pounds.

QUINN: Stop, okay? That’s me. My middle name is Quinn. I stopped going by Lucy because kids made up a mean nickname.

LAUREN: Juicy Lucy?

QUINN: Lucy Caboosey. I hated the way I looked. I had zits. I was chubby. I felt terrible about myself. I didn’t have friends. Nobody would talk to me. I was the only kid at school who had to dissect their own frog because nobody would be my lab partner. And then I joined ballet, lost a little bit of weight, found out I was athletic, joined gymnastics, then cheerleading. Went on Proactiv for my acne. And when my dad got transferred and got a raise, I asked him if I could get a nose job. And he said yes. Then I asked them to call me Quinn.

LAUREN: So you hate yourself.

QUINN: No, I love myself. And that’s why I did all those things. I’ve been that girl, and I’m never going back. I was a miserable little girl. And now I’m going to be prom queen.

LAUREN: Yeah. See, I wouldn’t be so sure about that. You think everyone’s going to vote for you because they want to be like you. Well, I don’t know if they’re going to want to be like you when they find out that you’re a complete fraud.

QUINN: What are you going to do?

LAUREN: If I were you, I’d check the bulletin boards.
(QUINN runs out of the classroom and sees everyone looking at her old middle school picture on the bulletin board; She rips it down and runs away; Cut to RACHEL and PUCK at the mall)

RACHEL: Why did you bring me here? Is there a sale at Claire’s?

PUCK: I brought you here to knock some sense into you. You won’t listen to me, you won’t listen to Finn.

(Enter KURT)

KURT: But you will listen to Barbra Streisand. Thanks, Puck. I’ll take it from here. Nice effort. But only I can lead this Barbravention.

RACHEL: Is she here?

KURT: No. This is a mall in Ohio. Look, Rachel, here’s the deal. Do you want to disappoint her?

RACHEL: Who?

KURT: Barbra.

RACHEL: Of course not, Kurt. She’s my idol.

KURT: Okay, if you get a nose job, then you will be spitting on her legacy. Barbra refused to believe that beauty could only be defined by the blonde, chiseled faces of Hitchcock’s beauties, so she redefined what beauty was and became the biggest female star in the world.

RACHEL: But what if I can’t be like her? Isn’t she one in a billion?

KURT: So are you, Rachel. And if you let one misguided societal pressure make you change the way you look, then you won’t just be letting Barbra down, you’ll be letting down all the little girls who are going to look at your beautiful face one day and see themselves. You’ll be taking away their inspiration, too. I thought you’d be hesitant, which is why I brought you here. Perhaps, if my words don’t inspire you, song will. Go.

RACHEL: What are you doing?

(PUCK turns on a stereo playing “Duck Sauce” by Barbra Streisand; KURT and a whole bunch of people at the mall start dancing including the members of New Directions; Cut to EMMA and a therapist in the therapist’s office; EMMA is scrubbing)

EMMA: Okay. So…Nice and clean.

THERAPIST: I’m afraid we’re out of time.

EMMA: What do you mean? I just sat down.

THERAPIST: Well, the therapeutic hour is 50 minutes, and you just spent 48 of them disinfecting the chair. It’s clear you have a…a fairly severe case of obsessive-compulsive disorder.

EMMA: Really?

THERAPIST: OCD’s very treatable. A combination of medication and behavioral therapy will give you some relief from those feelings of…of panic that you might feel if, say, you think you forgot to unplug the curling iron or…
EMMA: Oh, God, I think I forgot to unplug the curling iron.

THERAPIST: There’s a stigma in this country about mental illness. I mean, depression, anxiety, OCD, bipolar, they’re hard to diagnose, so…people don’t always appreciate that they’re serious problems, but they are.

EMMA: Yeah, um…I don’t know. You know, I’m not sure I want to lay on a couch and tell some stranger all of my secrets. And…I don’t want to start popping pills just so I can turn into someone that other people want me to be. This is how I am. This is who I’m supposed to be.

THERAPIST: Your illness is not who you’re supposed to be. It’s keeping you from who you’re supposed to be. Look, you’re a guidance counselor, right? So if a student came to you and said they had diabetes, would you give them insulin or would you say, “Hey, that’s just who you’re supposed to be.”

EMMA: I…I just feel, um…I feel so ashamed.

THERAPIST: Right. Well, you’re not alone. After my daughter was born, I had a severe case of postpartum depression. I would look down at this beautiful baby girl like she wasn’t even mine. Like all the color just came out of the world. But you know when the moment was that I started to feel just a little bit better? When I admitted that I needed some help. Well…that’s what I’m here for. Can I tell you something, Emma? You’re going to feel better. I promise. I’m going to give you an SSRI. Start with a low dosage, and that’ll help you hold on to the serotonin that your brain naturally makes anyway. And I’d like to see you in about a week.

(Cut to QUINN by her locker; Enter FINN)

FINN: Hey.

QUINN: Well, it’s over.

FINN: What?

QUINN: My campaign. I’ll never get elected prom queen now.

FINN: Can I show you something? (he takes out the picture of QUINN from middle school) It’s my girlfriend. I used to have another photo, but…I like this one better.

QUINN: Why? She looks terrible.

FINN: You think so? ‘Cause I think it’s the first one where you can really see her.

(They kiss)

QUINN: Thank you.

FINN: I’ll see you in Glee rehearsal.

(Cut to three girls looking at a new poster for QUINN’s prom campaign)

GIRL 1: She’s, like, an inspiration. One of us. One who overcame.

GIRL 2: I always thought she was just some kind of stuck-up bitch, but she’s really one of the people.

GIRL 3: Yeah, totally.
(QUINN passes by)

GIRL 1: Holy crap, it’s her.

GIRL 3: Totally.

GIRL 2: You have our votes, Lucy.

GIRL 3: Totally.

QUINN: Thanks. I’ll try not to let you down.

(Enter LAUREN)

LAUREN: This just in, Jacob Ben Israel’s queen poll has you up by 40%. I… suppose I… had that result coming. It’s not cool…what I did to you, and I apologize.

QUINN: I respect you. I had to get a nose job and go on a crazy diet to walk around this school like I owned it. And you just do it.

LAUREN: Well, I have to admit…I have considered. Going blonde.

QUINN: I’m not so sure. Red, maybe.

LAUREN: Ooh, that’s a great idea. Red.

(They walk away together; Cut to BRITTANY and SANTANA at SANTANA’s locker)

BRITTANY: Hey. Do you like my shirt for Glee Club?

(BRITTANY opens her jacket to reveal her shirt with the words, “I’M WITH STOOPID” and an arrow pointing upwards on it)

SANTANA: That one’s perfect. Check out mine.

(SANTANA opens her jacket to reveal her shirt with the word, “BITCH” on it)

SANTANA: What? This is perfect. Legend has it that when I came out of my mother, I told the nurse she was fat.

BRITTANY: Well…I made a different one for you.

(BRITTANY unfolds another shirt with the word, “LEBANESE” on it)

SANTANA: I’m Hispanic. Wait, was that supposed to be “Lesbian”?

BRITTANY: Yeah, isn’t that what it says? When you told me all that stuff the other week, it meant so much to me. To see you be so honest. Especially ‘cause I know how bad it hurt. I was so proud of you.

SANTANA: Yeah, well don’t get used to it. And certainly don’t even think about telling anyone.

BRITTANY: Why not? You’re like the most awesome-est girl at this school. Why would you try to hide any of that?

SANTANA: I’m dating Karofsky now.

BRITTANY: It’s gross.

SANTANA: You don’t get a say in who I date anymore.

BRITTANY: Why not, because I’m dating somebody? Because you’re Lebanese and I think I’m bi-curious?

SANTANA: No. Because I said I love you. You didn’t say you loved me back.

BRITTANY: I do love you. Clearly you don’t love you as much as I do or you’d put the shirt on and you would dance with me.

(Exit BRITTANY; SANTANA stares at the shirt; Cut to EMMA staring at the bottle of pills in her office; She takes one; Cut to WILL and New Directions onstage in the auditorium)

WILL: All right, guys. Listen up. You all did really good this week. It was tough, but I think we came closer as a team and I’m proud of you. And now, I’d like to be the first one to show off my custom T-shirt, revealing something I was self-conscious about in the past, something I was born with, something I’ve come to accept about myself this past week. So, drumroll, Finn.

(WILL reveals his shirt with the words, “BUTT CHIN” on it)

MERCEDES: I like your chin, Mr. Shue.

TINA: Yeah, I would’ve went with “Tears up a lot.”

WILL: Uh, is everyone here?

RACHEL: Not everybody. I wanted to thank you guys for my Barbravention. And I have an announcement to make. I went to my doctor and…I canceled my appointment. And then I went home and I made this.

(RACHEL unveils her shirt saying “NOSE” on it)

WILL: Whoa.

(They all clap)

RACHEL: So, unfortunately I can’t join in on today’s dance number. My doctor said I have to stay away from vigorous choreography while my nose heals. So thanks for being patient. And, Finn, next time, watch out for the schnoz.

ARTIE: Where’s Santana?

SAM: Probably off somewhere making out with Karofsky. (BRITTANY looks upset at this news)Yeah, he can have her.

WILL: Hit it!

(New Directions sings “Born This Way” by Lady Gaga with leads from KURT, MERCEDES and TINA; They all reveal their shirts throughout the performance; RACHEL joins in later; EMMA shows WILL her “OCD” shirt and they both join in as well; Cut to KAROFSKY and SANTANA sitting in the back of the auditorium; SANTANA is wearing the “LEBANESE” shirt and she looks down at it)

2x17 - A Night of Neglect

Wed, 23 Nov 2011 15:43:39 -0500

2x16 - Original Song

Wed, 23 Nov 2011 15:43:04 -0500

Air Date: March 15, 2011

Written By: Ryan Murphy
Directed By: Bradley Buecker
Transcribed By: majormorris

Featured Music:

Maroon 5 - Misery
Beatles - Blackbird
Hey Monday - Candles
Pink - Raise Your Glass

Original Songs:

Only Child
Trouty Mouth
Big Ass Heart
Hell To The No
Get It Right
Loser Like Me

—

(BLAINE sings “Misery” by Maroon 5 while the Warblers sing backup; KURT is not that pleased)

BLAINE: Hey Regionals, you just met our opening number.

(All of the Warblers clap and cheer)

BLAINE: (To KURT) How did you manage to find a Burberry-esque canary cage cover?

KURT: Canaries don’t like cold weather, especially Pavarotti.

BLAINE: So, what’d you think of the song?

KURT: Can I be really honest with you? Because it comes from a place of caring.

BLAINE: Yeah.

KURT: Been there done that. Look, you’re amazing Blaine. Your solos are breath-taking, they’re also numerous.

BLAINE: Kurt, the council decides who gets the solos. Do I detect a little jealousy?

KURT: No you detect a lot of jealousy. Look, Blaine sometimes I don’t feel like we’re the Warblers. I feel like we’re Blaine and the Pips.

(Cut to RACHEL and FINN walking into the choir room)

RACHEL: Okay so, I really took all of your notes from ‘My Headband’ to heart and I-I really tapped into my pain for this second song. So, come and sit down. These are for you, just in case. it’s pretty emotional. Don’t be afraid to if you need to.

(Rachel sings “Only Child”)

RACHEL: It’s called “Only Child.”

FINN: Yeah, I got that uh it’s better than “My Headband.” That’s for sure. But, it-it still feels like you’re just playing scared. You’re only dealing with the easy pain. You gotta get to the hard stuff, that’s what relatable to everybody.

RACHEL: N-now I-I’m perfectly capable of accessing my pain. I cry every time I sing a solo.

FINN: Exactly. Wh-when you sing I can feel it. I guess you just gotta go inside yourself to wherever the singing comes from and write from there.

(Enter QUINN looking in from the hallway)

RACHEL: Have you even ever tried to write a song—

QUINN: (voiceover) Sometimes I worry about Finn. I mean how damaged does a guy have to be to be into someone as annoying as Rachel. Still, he is a good guy and I do really like him. He’s my first love and first loves are forever. (Cut to Quinn looking at crowns) And another thing., without him I’m never gonna get one of these. I know what you’re thinking. Prom Queen? You’re smart and super pretty and relatively sane for a girl. Does being Prom Queen really matter to you? Well, it does. Prom Queens live, on average, five years longer than regular people It’s probably because they smile a lot. And smiling has been proven to ward off diseases. But, I can’t do it without Finn. He’s a shoe-in for Prom King and after winning the big game, he’ll help me land crucial swing votes. Amazingly, the only person standing in my way is her and her damn talent. If I’m gonna guarantee that he doesn’t stray with her, I’m going to have to play it right. They say keep your friends close, but your enemies closer. Well, Rachel Berry, you just got yourself a new best friend.

(Cut to KURT whistling with Pavarotti; Pavarotti stops whistling and falls over)

KURT: Pavarotti?

(Cut to BLAINE and the rest of the Warblers discussing loudly)

BLAINE: Warblers! Warblers! I am merely suggesting that instead of wearing blue ties with red piping, we wear jackets with red ties and blue piping for the competition.

RANDOM WARBLER: This is a kangaroo court!

(Enter KURT solemnly)

BLAINE: Kurt, what’s wrong?

KURT: It’s Pavarotti. Pavarotti’s dead. I suspect a stroke.

BLAINE: Oh my god, I’m so sorry.

KURT: I know it’s really stupid to be upset about a bird but…H-he inspired me with his optimism…and his love of song. He was my friend. Now, I know that today we need to practice doo-wopping behind Blaine while he sings every solo in the medley of Pink songs but I’d like to sing to Pavarotti today.

(KURT hands a tape to someone to play; He starts singing “Blackbird” by the Beatles)

Kurt: Thank you.

(Cut to WILL and the New Directions in the choir room)

WILL: Guys, I’ve got some bad news. You know how we decided on “Sing” by My Chemical Romance for Regionals. Well, I hold in my hand a cease and desist letter from the band. We can’t do it.

PUCK: Ugh, it was the perfect anthem.

MERCEDES: How much do you wanna bet Coach Sylvester had something to do with this?

WILL: One step ahead of you.

(Cut to WILL thrusting the letter in SUE’S face in her office)

WILL: Do you know anything about this Sue?

SUE: I do. Now, I met the drummer from My Chemical Romance at a drum circle, Daytona Beach, Spring Break 1996. We had a brief affair. And when I heard of your song choice for Regionals well, I was compelled to notify the band about your long running legal battle with PETA.

WILL: That is not true!

SUE: You took away my Cheerios. Consider this the opening salvo of World War Sue.

(Cut back to the choir room)

MERCEDES: So, what are we gonna do now?

RACHEL: I think…we should write original songs for Regionals.

SANTANA: All those in favor of voting Rachel down a second time?

QUINN: No, I think Rachel’s right. This team works best when we push ourselves and do something a little different.

MERCEDES: Well, that’s true but if all the other teams are doing amazing songs. We’re not gonna be so good.

QUINN: You’re right, we’re not gonna be as good. We’re gonna be better. We won’t be using other peoples’ words or music. It’ll be our own. Our own heart, soul, not just our voices. We have a really talented songwriter in our midst. Rachel? I was thinking maybe you and I could write a song together.

FINN: I’m with Quinn and Rachel. I mean, if these two can agree on something it’s probably an idea worth considering.

SANTANA: W-wait, wait. So, suddenly you two are writing the music for Regionals? No way. I think that everyone should get a chance to write a song.

SAM: Santana’s right, we can do this.

MERCEDES: What do you think Mr. Schue?

WILL: I think we’re doing original song for Regionals.

(Everyone claps; Cut to BRITTANY and SANTANA by their lockers)

BRITTANY: Hey. Can I ask you a question? We used to be really close and I really miss being your friend.

SANTANA: Still waiting for the question.

BRITTANY: Did I do something wrong?

SANTANA: I don’t know, did you? All I know is you blew me off…to be with Stubbles McCripple Pants. It’s fine. It’s your loss…cause now I get the chance to write an awesome heterosexual song about Sam, that we’re gonna sing at Regionals.

BRITTANY: Wait, you’re still dating Sam? But, you told me you were in love with me…

SANTANA: I honestly don’t know what I was thinking. Look, can you stop staring at me I can’t remember my locker combo.

(Enter SUE)

SUE: Well, well, if it isn’t Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Fake-Boobs.

BRITTANY: You know, you can’t talk to us like that. You’re not our cheerleading coach anymore.

SUE: I’m not anyone’s cheerleading coach anymore. You betrayed me and in case you haven’t heard, I like to play dirty.

(They open their lockers and a landslide of dirt falls out)

BRITTANY: I don’t even remember putting that in there.

(Cut to the Warblers having a meeting again)

THAD: You know I think Blaine’s version of the song is actually better than the original.

DAVID: But, it’s not in his natural key so—

THAD: How dare you!

BLAINE: Enough. I’m tired of this.

THAD: I agree. I think we should just let you pick the song that you wanma sing.

BLAINE: No, I’m tired of the Warblers being all about me. David, please make sure everything that I’m about to say goes down in the official minutes. We are going to lose at Regionals.

WARBLERS: WHAT?!

BLAINE: I am-I am incredibly grateful for the belief you’ve all given me as a junior member to lead you all in these wonderful songs this year but, from what Kurt has told me about New Directions. I-I just know I can’t beat them on my own. Which is why I propose that we rearrange our eleven ‘o clock number and turn it into a duet.

WARBLERS: (Disapproving noises and incredulous looks)

BLAINE: To showcase other talent in this group!

DAVID: Why don’t we just play it on kazoo.

BLAINE: Point of order! Point of order! Now, we all lost one of our own this week. Pavarotti’s voice was silenced by death and I don’t wanna silence anyone else’s voices in this group. I think Pavarotti would roll over in his tiny…tiny little grave.

KURT: The placement of which has yet to be determined.

WES: All right, a vote. Who’s in favor of Warbler Blaine’s proposal? For a duo lead at Regionals.

(Most of them raise hands)

KURT: Can I get my name on that audition list?

BLAINE: No. No auditions. I wanna sing the duet…with Kurt.

KURT: Th-that’s ridiculous. I mean there’s so many great voices. I mean everyone deserves a shot at that honor.

BLAINE: All in favor of Kurt being my duet partner at Regionals?

(Most of them raise their hands)

WES: Decided.

THAD: Congratulations Kurt.

(They all clap; Cut to New Directions in the choir room)

WILL: All right guys, let’s hear it for our first songwriting seminar.

(They all cheer and clap)

WILL: While Quinn and Rachel are hard at work, we are gonna try and write an anthem of our own. Now, these are rhyming dictionaries for all of you.

SANTANA: Uh Mr. Schue. Tina and I have been uh already working on a song that I wrote.

WILL: Really? That’s amazing. Can we hear it?

(The group claps and encourages TINA and SANTANA as they go to the front of the room)

SANTANA: This is a song that I wrote for Sam. It’s called “Trouty Mouth.”

SAM: Wait, what’s it called.

MIKE: (whispers) Trouty Mouth.

(SANTANA sings “Trouty Mouth”; it’s indescribably amazing)

SAM: Okay. Can we stop? Stop with the mouth jokes.

SANTANA: Sit down. I’m not finished.

SAM: Yes you are. Mr. Schue we’re not doing a song at Regionals called “Trouty Mouth.”

WILL: Uh y-you know what I have to agree with Sam on this one. But, such a good first effort. I just don’t think it’s got the epic feel we need for Regionals.

PUCK: Uh, Mr. Schue I wrote a song too. I wrote it for Lauren. I-I know that when I sang “Fat Bottomed Girls” it might have hurt her feelings a little bit but, I think this makes up for it. It’s got a bit of a rock-a-billy feel so it’d give us an edge this weekend.

WILL: All right. Show us what you got.

SANTANA: Don’t touch me. Don’t touch me.

PUCK: It’s called “Big Ass…Heart”

(PUCK sings “Big Ass Heart”)

WILL: All right guys, well let’s uh let’s make Puck’s song a contender but I don’t totally think we’re there yet. So, everyone look at your rhyming dictionaries and let’s work on banging out some songs that rock

(Cut to QUINN and FINN at Finn’s locker)

QUINN: What do you wanna wear to prom?

FINN: Prom what?

QUINN: Look, I know you’re excited about Regionals, so am I. Wasn’t I the one that, supported Rachel’s crazy original song idea.

FINN: Yeah, that was cool by the way.

QUINN: But, whether we win that or even Nationals it’s not gonna put you and I back where we belong.

FINN: Which is where?

QUINN: On top.

FINN: On top of what?

QUINN: We need to get elected for Prom King and Queen. It’s the ultimate status symbol. So, after Regionals, we’ll go public with our relationship and star the campaign.

FINN: I don’t think that’s a good idea.

QUINN: Why? Because of Rachel.

FINN: She’s really fragile right now I just think we should wait until after Nationals.

QUINN: First it was after Regionals and now it’s after Nationals. Do you wanna be in this relationship or not?

FINN: Whoa, scary Quinn. Okay uh, after Regionals.

QUINN: After Regionals.

(RACHEL watches them walk away together; Cut to KURT and BLAINE in a room at Dalton; KURT is focusing on something)

BLAINE: What’s that?

KURT: I’m decorating Pavarotti’s casket.

BLAINE: Well, finish up. I have the perfect song for our number and we should practice.

KURT: Do tell.

BLAINE: “Candles” by Hey Monday.

KURT: I’m impressed. You’re usually so Top 40.

BLAINE: Well, I just…wanted something a little more emotional.

KURT: Why did you pick me to sing that song with?

BLAINE: Kurt, there is a moment when you say to yourself, “Oh, there you are. I’ve been looking for you forever.” Watching you do blackbird this week…that was a moment for me. About you. You moved me, Kurt. And this duet would just be an excuse to spend more time with you.

(They kiss)

BLAINE: (smiling) We should-we should practice.

KURT: I thought we were.

(They kiss again; Cut to Mercedes singing “Hell to the No in the choir room)

WILL: Really good!

MERCEDES: Thank you.

WILL: But uh—

MERCEDES: But my butt Mr. Schue, that song was amazing.

WILL: No, I agree. I’m just not sure that it’s Regionals material.

SANTANA: Mr. Schue, I wrote another verse of “Trouty Mouth”

WILL: Eh no, n-n-no. Guys, guys. Just think about it. What’s your favorite song of all time.

BRITTANY: “My Headband.”

SANTANA: Alanis Morisette’s “You Oughta Know.”

PUCK: “What’s Going On” Marvin Gaye.

LAUREN: Puckerman, you’re on a roll.

WILL: Okay and wh-what are all those songs about?

BRITTANY: Headbands.

WILL: All those songs come from a place of pain. The greatest songs are about hurt, and that’s the side of yourselves I want you to get in touch with.

ARTIE: That should be easy. Coach Sylvester tortures us for no reason and tries to get the entire school to hate us.

SANTANA: Yesterday, she filled Britt’s and my locker with dirt.

WILL: (goes over to whiteboard and starts writing things) Okay. Okay, slow down. Slow down.

MERCEDES: She literally throws sticks at me.

(Cut to MERCEDES at her locker; SUE is throwing sticks at her head)

MERCEDES: What are you doing?

SUE: Throwing sticks at your head. I’m going to crush you at Regionals.

WILL: Okay, what else? What else?

TINA: She called the Ohio Secretary of State, saying she was me and that I wanna legally change my name to “Tina Cohen-Loser.”

WILL She…(writes “Loser” on the whiteboard) Okay, and how does that make you feel?

FINN: Well, at first it hurts, but…Then it mostly makes you want to win.

WILL: Guys…I think you may have just found your song. Now let’s get to writing.

(Cut to QUINN playing piano in the auditorium; Enter RACHEL )

QUINN: You’re late.

RACHEL: We’re friends, right?

QUINN: Yeah, I guess so.

RACHEL: I mean, like everything happened last year. You gave your baby to my mom. We kind of bonded over it, right?

QUINN: What’s your point?

RACHEL: My point is…Is that I know we haven’t spent a lot of time together this year, but I thought that we were close enough to be honest with each other.

QUINN: Go ahead, ask me.

RACHEL: Fine. Are you and Finn together?

QUINN: Yes. It’s been a couple of weeks. It’s like Groundhog’s Day with you, Rachel. How many times do you have to make the same mistake to realize it’s not going to work out?

RACHEL: Thank you for being honest with me, Quinn, and… And I’m happy for you and Finn, but don’t go and try to rewrite history, okay? It was real between us. He chose me over you.

QUINN: And how long did that last for?

RACHEL: Why are you being so mean?

QUINN: Do you want to know how this story plays out? I get Finn, you get heartbroken, and then Finn and I stay here and start a family. I’ll become a successful real estate agent, and Finn will take over Kurt’s dad’s tire shop. (voice breaking) You don’t belong here, Rachel, and you can’t hate me for helping to send you on your way.

RACHEL: No. I’m not giving up on Finn. It’s not over between us.

QUINN: Yes, it is! You’re so frustrating, and that is why you can’t write a good song…Because you live in this little schoolgirl fantasy of life. Rachel, if you keep looking for that happy ending, then you are never going to get it right. So we’re done with that, and why don’t we just return to our work, okay?

RACHEL: No, I think I’m gonna write this song on my own.

(Exit RACHEL; Cut to RACHEL writing a song in her room titled “Get It Right”; She’s crying)

(Cut to SUE and WILL in Will’s office)

SUE: Hey, buddy, you getting ready to load up the bus and head off to Regionals? Awesome.

WILL: You seem awfully chipper.

SUE: Oh, I am, William, I am positively drunk with confidence. In fact, I am so sure of my Glee Club’s impending win, I’m gonna drop a little turdlet on you. I lied to you last week, William. I forged that letter from My Chemical Romance. Also, I didn’t sleep with their drummer. The drummer I slept with was that guy from Jimmy Eat World.

WILL: Actually, Sue, I’m glad you lied. Gave my kids the opportunity to try their hand at songwriting.

SUE: Oh, so you’re trying to lose.

WILL: You have an awful lot of confidence for a rookie, Sue.

SUE: William, while your kids are singing songs about blackheads and eczema, I will be unleashing a set list custom-made for that panel of judges.

(Cut to Regionals)

ANNOUNCER: And now, our judges for the 2011 Midwest Regional Show Choir Competition. Local broadcasting legend and man about town Rod Remington! Recent Tea Party candidate and home-schooler Tammy Jean Albertson! And former exotic dancer and current Carmelite nun, author of the upcoming Lima

Press memoir Habit to Habit, Sister Mary Constance! And now, from Westvale High School, let’s have a warm welcome for Aural Intensity!

(Aural Intensity sings “Jesus Is My Friend” by Sonseed; Cut to KURT and BLAINE standing backstage)

KURT: Has anyone ever literally died on stage?

BLAINE: Are you nervous?

KURT: Please don’t judge me. This is the first time I’ve had a solo in front of a competition audience. I have this nightmare that I’m going to forget the lyrics or I’m going to sing and nothing is going to come out. Okay, you can judge me.

BLAINE: I think it’s adorable. I think you’re adorable, and the only people that are going to be dying tonight are the people in that audience, because you and I are going to kill this thing. Come on, let’s go.

ANNOUNCER: And now, from Westerville, Ohio, the Dalton Academy Warblers!

(The Warblers sing “Candles” by Hey Monday and “Raise Your Glass” by Pink)

(Cut to FINN and RACHEL getting ready backstage)

FINN: Hey. Break a leg.

RACHEL: Last time we were here, you told me you loved me.

FINN: I really like your song.

RACHEL: Listen carefully, because I mean every word of it.

ANNOUNCER: And now, from William McKinley High in Lima, Ohio, the New Directions!

(RACHEL sings “Get It Right” with back up from BRITTANY and TINA)

KURT: (whispers) Oh my god they’re doing original songs.

(RACHEL, BRITTANY and TINA finish singing)

RACHEL: Ladies and gentlemen, we’re the New Directions!

(New Directions sings “Loser Like Me”)

(Cut to the Judges Room)

TAMMY: Before we start, I would like to say I am not a witch. But, um, I think it’s fair to ask. Do we have written proof that these kids were born in the United States of America?

SISTER MARY: For a nun, I’m pretty liberal. But I’m barely a nun. In fact, I just joined because I needed a place to live.

TAMMY: Bless you!

SISTER MARY: The convent is the one place I knew I could stay off the pole. But my question is this. That Dalton Academy…Is it a gay school, or is it just a school that appears gay?

ROD REMINGTON: Could I add a dash of Rod to this lady soup? My hairdresser is a gay, and for fifteen years, he’s been with his partner, also a hairdresser. I see no reason why they shouldn’t be allowed to marry and raise a family of beautiful wigs.

SISTER MARY: I liked the duet the two boys from Dalton sang.

TAMMY: Oh, boys shouldn’t do a duet. The last thing we need to do is send a message to children that “gay is okay.” It is not a legitimate lifestyle, and last time I checked, it’s not in the Constitution.

ROD REMINGTON: What about that song about Jesus?

TAMMY: Well, that should win.

SISTER MARY: Uh, uh, uh. No, no, no, no. Now, that is just cheap pandering. I didn’t even like to be pandered to when I was a stripper!

ROD REMINGTON: Those New Directions had it going on. Those songs were fresh.

TAMMY: Those songs were terrible. I am sorry, but I’m a politician, and when I lost my last election…and there will be a recount… I didn’t go around singing about being a loser. I Twittered that Obama is a terrorist.

SISTER MARY: Oh, no, you didn’t!

TAMMY: I had to. It’s a fact.

SISTER MARY: Oh, oh, gee.

ROD: Okay, ladies, I’ve heard enough. Let’s… vote.

(Cut to the stage at Regionals with all three Glee clubs waiting for the results)

ANNOUNCER: And now, to announce our winner, Lieutenant Governor Stevens’ wife, Carla Turlington-Stevens!

CARLA: My husband is verbally abusive, and I have been drinking since noon. I’m bored. Let’s just see who won, huh? The New Directions! You’re going to Nationals in New York!

(New Directions cheers; SUE punches CARLA in the face; Cut to KURT and BLAINE burying Pavarotti)

KURT: Farewell, sweet prince.

BLAINE: I’m so sorry, Kurt. I know this is really upsetting for you. It reminds you of your mom’s funeral, doesn’t it?

KURT: The casket was bigger, but yes. It’s not just that, though. Honestly, I’m upset that we lost at Regionals.

BLAINE: Well, the competition season’s over, but we’ll still get to perform. We do nursing home shows all the time. And do you know how many Gaps there are in Ohio? Tons.

KURT: Yeah, I just really…really wanted to win.

BLAINE: You did win. So did I. We got each other out of all this. That beats a lousy trophy, don’t you think?

(They hold hands; Cut to WILL and the New Directions in the choir room)

WILL: (on the phone) I’ll show you the video when you get home. Have fun in the sweat lodge. Namaste to you, too. Okay. Bye. (to the group) Ms. Holliday sends her best, and can’t wait to congratulate you all in person when she gets back from her meditation retreat. Now, we all know that winning Regionals was a team effort, and Nationals isn’t going to be any different. But like in sports, every winning team has a player that rises above to help carry their teammates to victory… The MVP. And I would like to start a tradition of honoring that player after every one of our competitions. So, per a unanimous vote by all of you, our Regionals MVP is…Miss Rachel Berry!

(Everyone cheers and claps)

WILL: Come on up.

ARTIE: Yeah!

WILL: Congratulations.

RACHEL: Thank you. If I could just say a few words?

WILL: Sure.

SANTANA: And here she goes, making me regret voting for her.

RACHEL: Well, first of all, I just want to say how amazing the song you guys wrote was. I… I was so inspired. You know, it’s…It’s funny. I’ve won a lot of trophies before for singing competitions and dancing competitions, but I’ve always felt like the girl who never gets the brass ring. And maybe I never will. But today and at Regionals, the way you guys believed in me and…took a chance with me…All I’ve ever wanted was to feel special and to feel chosen, and I just, um…I wanted to thank you guys so much for giving me that. So…That’s all.

(Everyone goes up to her and they have the best group hug ever)

THE END

2x15 - Sexy

Wed, 23 Nov 2011 15:41:00 -0500

Air Date: March 28, 2011

Written By: Brad Falchuk
Directed By: Ryan Murphy
Transcribed By: knowbetter

Featured Music:

Joan Jett - Do You Wanna Touch Me (Oh Yeah)
Neon Trees - Animal
Prince - Kiss
Fleetwood Mac - Landslide
Starland Vocal Band - Afternoon Delight

—

[OPEN: INT. CLASSROOM. EMMA, QUINN, and RACHEL sit at separate tables, facing each other. EMMA bangs a gavel.]

EMMA: The Celibacy Club will now come to order. Let’s start the meeting by reading the minutes from last week’s meeting, where we… read the minutes from the previous meeting, and Rachel spent the hour quizzing Quinn about the nature of her relationship with Finn.

RACHEL: Questions somebody still refuses to answer.

QUINN: And I will continue to refuse to answer them, because they are none of your business. All I will reveal is that I rejoined the Celibacy Club to focus on me.

RACHEL: Me, too. Finn is kryptonite, which is why I’m focusing all my energies now on my songwriting.

EMMA: Yes. And, I have to say, I am very inspired that both of you are showing how celibacy is a viable option for teens who simply aren’t ready for intimacy. And for those who are older and are terrified of the hose monster. I have a little bit of club swag here that I think is really going to catch on. Ready? Chastity charms. We hand out the little hearts, but not the key. That way, nobody can open the lock forever. And, ladies, that’s what keeps us safe!

RACHEL: I have some questions. Some things that I-I’m curious about.

EMMA: No, no, no. Why be curious? No. Wait to have relations until you’re comfortable. Right? Maybe ‘til your honeymoon. I don’t know, maybe even later. Celibacy, ladies! Dig it!

TITLE CREDITS

[CUT TO: INT. TEACHERS’ LOUNGE. EMMA and WILL are eating lunch.]

EMMA: I’m just so disappointed.

WILL: Why? I thought you wanted the chastity charms to catch on.

EMMA: I did, until I realized they were wearing the chastity charms as clip-on nipple rings.

WILL: I know preaching abstinence is hard, but I’ve seen how a teen pregnancy can turn a kid’s world upside down. So keep fighting the good fight. I’m happy to do whatever I can to help make celibacy an option for these kids.

[HOLLY enters the teachers’ lounge.]

HOLLY: I don’t know, hot stuff. Sounds pretty lame.

WILL: Holly! What are you doing here?

HOLLY: Subbing! The health and wellness teacher is out with a mad case of the herp. Yikers.

WILL: Oh, it’s so good to see you. [They hug.] Oh, this face, this face.

[WILL and HOLLY laugh. EMMA clears her throat.]

WILL: Oh. Oh, this is…

EMMA: Emma.

WILL: Em-Emma. Emma Pillsbury.

HOLLY: Oh, hi! Nice to meet you.

EMMA: Very nice to meet you.

WILL: This is Holly Holliday.

EMMA: Hi, Holly.

WILL: Have a seat here.

HOLLY: Oh, thank you!

WILL: Wow!

EMMA: So, I’m curious why you don’t, uh, think that celibacy is a valid choice for teenagers.

HOLLY: Oh, I do, I think it’s a valid choice. I just don’t think it’s that realistic. You know, it’s like saying vegetarianism is an option for lions. [WILL laughs, EMMA doesn’t look impressed.] I just read in the newspaper that 90 high school girls in a Memphis school district got pregnant within three months. I mean, it is Tennessee, but still. We’ve got to shake things up, you know; information is power. Oh, and by the way, Will, some of your glee kids are the most clueless.

[FLASHBACK: INT. HEALTH AND WELLNESS CLASSROOM.]

HOLLY: Demonstracion. This is a condom, which can help prevent the spread of HIV, which can lead to AIDS. And it also prevents pregnancy. [HOLLY holds up a cucumber.]

FINN: Wait, cucumbers can give you AIDS?

MERCEDES: Seriously? ‘Cause I just had them on my salad.

[END FLASHBACK.]

HOLLY: We’ve gotta educate these kids.

EMMA: I strongly disagree. I don’t think we should barrage these kids with graphic information. They’re kids. I don’t want to steal their innocence.

HOLLY: Are you, like, some kind of crazy Pope lady? Think about the images that these kids are exposed to. I mean, think about what they have access to.

EMMA: That doesn’t make it okay. And it shouldn’t change the message that they get from us, which is that this is serious stuff, and it’s not for kids and it’s not for adults!

HOLLY: Okay, well. I think that’s a little naive. And, now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to have crazy sex, because I’m crazy informed about it! Kidding. [WILL laughs.] Hasta luego!

WILL: Hasta luego! Oh, man.

[CUT TO: INT. BRITTANY’s LOCKER. SANTANA approaches BRITTANY.]

SANTANA: Hey, Britt-Britt. So, listen. How about you and I pop in some Sweet Valley High this evening, get our cuddle on?

BRITTANY: Look, I’d really like to get my sweet lady kisses on, but I haven’t been feeling very sexy lately. I think I have a bun in the oven. Please don’t tell anyone, okay? Especially Artie.

[BRITTANY shuts her locker and starts to walks away.]

SANTANA: Yeah, sure. Your secret’s safe with—

[SANTANA loses her shit internally and walks off in the opposite direction, winding up alongside TINA.]

SANTANA: Oh my God, Brittany’s pregnant.

TINA: (to a passing PUCK) Oh my God, Brittany’s pregnant!

PUCK: It was only a matter of time.

LAUREN: For what?

PUCK: Brittany to get pregnant.

LAUREN: (to a passing ARTIE) Congratulations!

ARTIE: For what?

LAUREN: Oh, you didn’t hear? Your girlfriend’s preggo! You’re gonna be a baby daddy!

[ARTIE loses his shit internally.]

[CUT TO: INT. CHOIR ROOM. WILL enters and addresses the students.]

WILL: All right, folks. Regionals is in a week. It’s time to get deep into our setlist. [He notices ARTIE’s blank stare.] Artie, you okay?

ARTIE: My life is over. How am I supposed to support a baby? (To BRITTANY) How could you not tell me about this?

WILL: Wait. Brittany, are you pregnant?

BRITTANY: Definitely. I’m so sorry, Artie. I didn’t want to upset you. I thought I could surprise you when I dropped him off. Pretty sure it’s a boy.

PUCK: Um, babies don’t get dropped off.

WILL: Wait, Brittany, have you been to a doctor yet? That’s the only way to be sure.

BRITTANY: I don’t need to go to a doctor. I just need to look outside my window. Three days ago, a stork built its nest on top of my garage. I’m not stupid, it’s obviously getting ready to bring me my baby. I know where babies come from.

[Everyone wears various expressions of shock and disbelief.]

WILL: (voiceover) And that’s when I realized you were right.

[CUT TO: INT. SCHOOL - DANCE STUDIO. HOLLY is teaching a group of adults and WILL.]

HOLLY: Let’s go, health and wellness jazzercize class! Do we feel our hearts pumping yet, guys?

ALL: Yeah!

HOLLY: You see, we have really got to educate these kids.

WILL: How are we going to do that without being too graphic? I want to educate them, not titillate them.

HOLLY: Didn’t you ever read Jessica Seinfeld’s cookbook? It’s all about taking vegetables and hiding it in food so that you can trick kids into eating what’s good for them. Shake it! And, loose.

WILL: I’m not following.

HOLLY: It’s jazzercize, Will, it’s really not that hard. Grease it.

WILL: I’m still talking about the vegetable hiding.

HOLLY: All I’m saying is, all we have to do is find a way to sneak in the sex education lesson in a less provocative way. And, stretch. Oh! You guys were awesome. How good do we feel? Are we sweaty? Yes. Next week we are going to talk about the power of muscle testing. Yeah? Bye! Love you!

[Everyone but WILL leaves. He sits on the floor to stretch.]

HOLLY: Okay, here’s what I think you should do. Let me come into glee club this week and show you what I mean. The kids will think that they’re getting ready for Regionals, but really I’ll slip in a little lesson about how to avoid STDs. And, speaking of STDs, how is your dating life?

WILL: Uh. Right now I’m the president of the Celibacy Club.

HOLLY: Hm. That’s a waste of some fine man butt.

[CUT TO: INT. CHOIR ROOM. WILL writes “sexy” on the white board.]

WILL: Sexy.

SANTANA: I really hope that’s not one of the requirements for Regionals, because with Berry in those tights, we don’t stand a chance.

WILL: No, this isn’t about Regionals. I’m less worried about that right now and more worried about the fact that it’s become clear to me that some of you have been lacking when it comes to understanding the…the, uh…the intricacies of adult relationships.

[Some laugh.]

WILL: Yeah, anyways. Along with preparing for our regionals next week, I want to spend the week educating ourselves about some of these intricacies.

RACHEL: Is this the appropriate forum for that?

WILL: Look, whenever we had, uh, issues in the past that are on our minds or giving us problems, it’s always helped us to sing about it. So, this week I have invited a special guest: Ms. Holliday!

[HOLLY enters to applause.]

HOLLY: Hola, clase.

MERCEDES: Oh no, it’s the salad lady.

HOLLY: Okay, so: sex. It’s just like hugging, only wetter.

ARTIE: Yeah it is.

HOLLY: Okay, so let’s start with the basics. Finn, is it true that you thought you got your girlfriend pregnant via hot tub?

FINN: I have always been dubious.

HOLLY: And, Brittany, you think that storks bring babies?

BRITTANY: I get my information from Woody Woodpecker cartoons.

HOLLY: Well, that’s all going to end right here, right now. Because, today, we are going to get under the covers, all together, and get the ditty on the dirty.

PUCK: I’m so turned on right now.

RACHEL: Ah, what about those of us who choose to remain celibate? [She touches QUINN’s arm for support, but QUINN holds up a hand to stop her.]

HOLLY: Oh, well, I admire you. Although I think you’re naive and possibly frigid, I do admire your choice.

WILL: I think this is a good time for a song.

HOLLY: Oh! Yes, okay. Rule number one: every intimate encounter that you’re ever going to have in your life is going to start with a touch. Hit it!

[“Do You Wanna Touch Me (Oh Yeah)” begins, with HOLLY as lead. BRITTANY and SANTANA join in the choreography, eventually followed by everyone else, including RACHEL and QUINN. When the performance ends, the Glee Club members clap and cheer, breathless.]

HOLLY: So just remember, whenever you have sex with someone, you’re having sex with everyone they’ve ever had sex with. And everybody’s got a random.

[CUT TO: INT. LIMA BEAN. KURT and BLAINE are in line to place their orders.]

KURT: Don’t you think it’s time for the Warblers to do a Joan Armatrading medley?

BLAINE: Um, I’m not so sure people know who that is.

[SUE appears behind them in line.]

SUE: Well, well. If it isn’t my sweet, sweet Porcelain.

KURT: Coach Sylvester. What are you doing here?

SUE: Just picking up some coffee. I like my enemas piping hot. Actually, boys, I heard that this was a Dalton Academy hangout, and I come in a spirit of fellowship. As you, no doubt, have heard, I’ve taken over for the coach of Aural Intensity.

KURT: We heard you pushed him down the stairs.

SUE: No, you can’t prove that.

KURT: (to BLAINE) This is just sort of how she talks.

SUE: So, I happen to have some top secret intel.

[FLASHBACK: INT. CHOIR ROOM. SUE, alone in the choir room, staring at the word “sexy” on the white board.]

SUE: (voiceover) Will Shuester has finally realized that his team’s Achilles Heel is their utter lack of sex appeal.

[ENT FLASHBACK.]

SUE: The New Directions are getting sexy. And the key to Regionals is out-sexing them. And I suspect that the judges are scoring extra for it this year. So, Porcelain. Quid pro quo. What do you have for me?

KURT: I’m sorry, Coach, but you and I are not in cahoots.

SUE: Probably should have nailed that down before I gave you my top secret intel. Porcelain, you just made a powerful enema.

[SUE leaves.]

BLAINE: We gotta hold an emergency meeting.

KURT: Why?

BLAINE: Weren’t you listening? The judges at Regionals have an eye out for something new, which means: Warblers gotta do something sexified.

[CUT TO: INT. TEACHERS’ LOUNGE. EMMA walks in while WILL and COACH BEISTE are eating at the table.]

EMMA: I am very disappointed in you, Will. Letting Holly come in and just teach the glee kids about— stuff. I mean, why don’t you just pair them up? Huh? Rent a bunch of motel rooms.

WILL: Whoa. I had no choice, Emma. These kids are totally unprepared. Look, in the spirit of fairness, why don’t you and the kids in your Celibacy Club come in and do a number.

EMMA: What, like sing?

WILL: Yeah. We’re trying to teach through song. And yours could be a counterargument to Holly’s.

EMMA: Well, I look forward to the opportunity to nail her to the wall.

[COACH BEISTE laughs.]

EMMA: You know what I mean.

[CUT TO: INT. PUCK’s LOCKER. LAUREN approaches PUCK.]

LAUREN: Well, Puckerman, it’s your lucky day.

PUCK: You’re finally gonna let me motorboat those twins?

LAUREN: Remember when I told you I had a master plan? Here it is. Can you think of a celebrity who released a tape of their intimate relations that didn’t make them more famous?

PUCK: If this is going where I think it’s going, I need to sit down.

LAUREN: Rachel Berry wants to be a famous singer. I just want to be famous. Doing that number for Glee Club was my first step toward being a star. I want to be like a Kardashian. I want a TV show and a fragrance. It’ll be called Zizes. And the slogan will be, “You just got Zized.”

PUCK: I’m not sure I heard that last part right, ‘cause I’m getting a little lightheaded, but, if we make one of those tapes, that means…

LAUREN: Wow, if your lovemaking prowess is as impressive as your skills of deduction, I’m in for a wild night.

[CUT TO: INT. EMPTY WAREHOUSE. BLAINE addresses a group of girl students clad in uniforms.]

BLAINE: I would like to welcome the ladies of our sister school, Crawford Country Day. As you know, the Warblers are competing in our show choir’s regional competition next week. So, what we’re going for here today, ladies, is something a little… little sexy. But we need your input. Are we scream-worthy? Do we make your knees turn to jelly? So, without further ado, hang on to your bobby socks, girls, ‘cause we’re about to rock your world.

[The WARBLERS sing “Animal”, and the warehouse turns into a foam party with bonus beach balls. BLAINE looks mildly alarmed at KURT’s dancing the entire time.]

GIRL: (handing BLAINE a note) Call us.

BLAINE: Sweet, but not on your team. (to KURT) Are you okay? You kept making these weird faces the whole song.

KURT: Those aren’t weird face, those are my sexy faces.

BLAINE: It just looked like you were having gas pains, or something.

KURT: Great. How are we supposed to get up on the stage at Regionals and sell sexy to the judges when I have as much sexual appeal and knowledge as a baby penguin?

BLAINE: We’ll figure something out.

[CUT TO: INT. SANTANA’s BEDROOM. SANTANA is standing behind BRITTANY fixing her hair while BRITTANY sits in a chair.]

BRITTANY: I want to talk to you about something. I really like when we make out, and stuff.

SANTANA: Which isn’t cheating, because…?

BRITTANY: The plumbing’s different.

SANTANA: Mmhm.

BRITTANY: But when Artie and I are together we talk about stuff like feelings.

[SANTANA reapplies her lip gloss in the mirror.]

SANTANA: Why?

BRITTANY: Because with feelings, it’s better.

SANTANA: Are you kidding? It’s better when it doesn’t involve feelings. I think it’s better when it doesn’t involve eye contact.

BRITTANY: I don’t know, I guess I just don’t know how I feel about us.

SANTANA: Look, let’s be clear here. I’m not interested in any labels. Unless it’s on something I shoplift.

BRITTANY: I don’t know, Santana. I think we should talk to somebody. Like an adult. This relationship is really confusing for me.

SANTANA: Breakfast is confusing for you.

BRITTANY: Well, sometimes it’s sweet and sometimes it’s salty. Like, what if I have eggs for dinner, then — what is it?

[CUT TO: INT. SCHOOL LIBRARY. PUCK and LAUREN are watching something on a laptop.]

PUCK: Those linens are incredible.

LAUREN: I know, is that Egyptian cotton?

PUCK: Why do they keep editing all this vacation and plane stuff?

LAUREN: It classes it up.

PUCK: If I want to see Kim Kardashian being classy, I’ll watch E!.

LAUREN: Ahah. Touch me.

[They high-five.]

PUCK: We’re not putting any of that stuff in ours.

LAUREN: Maybe.

[HOLLY approaches behind them.]

HOLLY: Hey guys, what’s going on?

PUCK: Oh, hey, Ms. H. Can you help us out?

HOLLY: Uh, yeah.

PUCK: Lauren and I are going to make a sex tape.

LAUREN: So I can get a recording contract.

HOLLY: Wow, okay. Well, first, can I just say that I am very impressed by, not only your ambition, but by how comfortable you are with your own bodies.

LAUREN: It’s easy to be comfortable when you look this good, you know what I mean?

HOLLY: Agreed. Uh, now for the downside. Are you aware that because you’re under 18 years of age, making and owning a sex tape could make you guilty of child pornography? Listen, guys, don’t take this too hard, all right. These things, they never work out well. My sex tape with J.D. Salinger was a disaster. Okay?

PUCK: Thanks, Ms. H.

HOLLY: Later, dudes!

[HOLLY walks away. SANTANA and BRITTANY approach her.]

HOLLY: Ladies!

SANTANA: Ms. Holliday, we need your help.

[CUT TO: INT. EMPTY CLASSROOM. The room’s lighting is dimmed. The tables and chairs are pushed out of the way, and HOLLY, SANTANA, and BRITTANY are sitting on pillows on the floor.]

BRITTANY: So, why are we sitting on the floor?

HOLLY: ‘Cause we’re in Japan. No. Welcome to my sacred, sexy, sharing circle. I want to thank you guys for confiding in me, ‘cause I know this is tough. And I want to ask both of you if either one of you thinks that you might be a lesbian?

BRITTANY: I don’t know.

SANTANA: Yeah, I mean, who knows. I’m attracted to girls and I’m attracted to guys. I made out with a mannequin. I even had a sex dream about a shrub that was just in the shape of a person.

HOLLY: Well, we’ve all been there. I went to an all-girls college, where the only industry in the town was the manufacturing of softball equipment. Still feel a little tingle when I hear Ani DiFranco. Ooh. Anyway, it’s not about who you are attracted to, ultimately. It’s about who you fall in love with.

BRITTANY: Well, I don’t know how I feel because Santana refuses to talk about it.

HOLLY: Okay. Well, I know talking about feelings can be really hard, so, I have an idea. Why don’t you guys find a song and see if maybe the lyrics of the song can help you start a dialogue going.

SANTANA: I could be down with that. I have the perfect song. There’s just one problem, though; Britt and I may need your help to sing it.

HOLLY: I thought you’d never ask.

[CUT TO: INT. KURT’s BEDROOM. KURT and BLAINE are sitting in front of a mirror.]

BLAINE: All right, so give me sensual. But don’t make fun of it, like really try. Okay, now give me sultry. Uh, Kurt they’re all sort of looking the same.

KURT: That’s because the face I’m actually doing is uncomfortable. This is pointless, Blaine. I don’t know how to be sexy because I don’t know the first thing about sex.

BLAINE: Kurt, you’re blushing.

KURT: I tried watching those movies, but I just get horribly depressed and I think about how they were all kids once and they all have mothers. And, God, what would their mothers think, and why would you get that tattoo there?

BLAINE: Then maybe we should have a conversation about it. I’ll tell you what I know.

KURT: I don’t want to know the graphic details. I like romance. That’s why I like Broadway musicals. Because the touch of the fingertips is as sexy as it gets.

BLAINE: Kurt, you’re going to have to learn about it someday.

KURT. Well, not today. I think I’ve learned it quite enough for today, thank you. I think you should leave.

[BLAINE leaves.]

[CUT TO: INT. CHOIR ROOM. WILL is speaking to the jazz band; HOLLY watches.]

WILL: So, just nice and easy, I don’t want to go too far away from the original version.

HOLLY: Since when do you need help singing in front of the Glee Club?

WILL: It’s not about the singing. I’m trying to make Prince’s “Kiss” into a tango. I want to make sure it’s appropriate.

HOLLY: “Kiss” as a tango? That’s awesome. And ridiculous.

WILL: Anyway, I want to do this right for the “sexy” lesson. So, picture us in the auditorium. Big backdrop, lighting, costume, the whole thing.

[HOLLY takes WILL’s outstreched hand.]

WILL: Hit it.

[“Kiss” begins, WILL and HOLLY both singing, and the picture he painted for HOLLY comes to life in fantasy. The two tango. At the end of the song, the scene cuts back to them in the choir room. They kiss.]

WILL: I am so into you.

HOLLY: Don’t be.

WILL: Go out with me.

HOLLY: You don’t want any of this. I’m damaged goods. Yes, it makes me terrific in bed, but it also means I tend to break nice guys like you into Wasa crackers.

WILL: Oh, I think I can handle it.

HOLLY: You married your high school sweetheart, and then you went out with a virgin. It’s a great song. You don’t need me, though, the kids are going to love it.

[HOLLY leaves.]

[CUT TO: INT. BURT’S GARAGE. BLAINE enters and finds BURT working under the hood of a car.]

BLAINE: Need a hand?

BURT: Yeah, why don’t you hand me that carburetor. How’d you know which one it was?

BLAINE: My dad and I rebuilt a ‘59 Chevy in our driveway two summers ago. One of his many attempts of bonding.

BURT: You here looking for parts?

BLAINE: No, actually. I, uh, wanted to talk to you about Kurt.

BURT: Is he okay?

BLAINE: Have you ever talked to him about sex?

BURT: Are you gay? Or straight, or what?

BLAINE: I’m definitely gay.

BURT: Okay, good. I mean, you know, whatever, but, uh, good for Kurt. He needs someone like you to talk to.

BLAINE: Well, that’s kind of my point. I’ve tried talking to him, but he basically puts his fingers in his ears and starts singing.

BURT: Well, when he’s ready, he’ll listen.

BLAINE: I’m worried that it might be too late. You know, Dalton doesn’t even have sex ed classes. Most schools don’t. And the ones that do almost never discuss what sex is like for gay kids. Kurt is the most moral, compassionate person I’ve ever met.

BURT: He gets that from his mother.

BLAINE: And I’m blown away by you guys’ relationship. You think my dad built a car with me because he loves cars? I think he did it because he thought getting my hands dirty might make me straight.

BURT: Yeah, he talk to you about this, uh, kind of stuff?

BLAINE: No. I had to go find it for myself. The internet is great, and all the information is out there, but I went searching for it. Kurt won’t. And one day, he’ll be at a party and maybe have a few drinks, and he’ll meet some guy and start fooling around, and he’s not going to know about using protection or STDs. I don’t have the relationship with my dad that you have with Kurt. I think it would be really cool if you took advantage of that. I’m sorry if I’m over-stepping.

BURT (not unkindly): You are.

[BLAINE leaves. BURT considers.]

{CUT TO: INT. CHOIR ROOM. SANTANA, HOLLY, and BRITTANY are sitting on stools in front of the rest of the Glee Club. HOLLY sings lead on “Landslide”, with SANTANA and BRITTANY contributing vocals. SANTANA and BRITTANY seldom look away from each other during the song, and to a much lesser extent, HOLLY and WILL also share looks. As the song progresses, SANTANA gets visibly emotional. When it’s over, everyone applauds. SANTANA wipes away her tears.]

BRITTANY: (to SANTANA) Is that really how you feel?

SANTANA: Uh huh, yeah.

[SANTANA rises and goes to hug BRITTANY.]

SANTANA: (softly, to BRITTANY) Thank you.

SAM: (to ARTIE) Pretty cool that our girlfriends are such good friends, right? I wish you and I were that close.

RACHEL: Can I just applaud this trio for exploring the uncharted world of Sapphic charm? Brava, brava.

SANTANA: Look, just because I sang a song with Brittany doesn’t mean that you can put a label on me. Is that clear?

[SANTANA walks back to her chair after giving BRITTANY a look. BRITTANY watches her go.]

[CUT: INT. CLASSROOM. CELIBACY CLUB. EMMA bangs her gavel.]

EMMA: This meeting of the Celibacy Club will now come to order. Before we begin, I would just like to start by congratulating you, by reminding you not one member of this club has had an unwanted pregnancy in almost a year. You get tensies for menses! I also would like to welcome our newest member, Noah Puckerman.

RACHEL: Are you lost, Noah?

QUINN: Yeah, you don’t belong here, you’re the biggest French whore of them all.

PUCK: Zizes and I were going to make a sex tape. I found out that making that tape would result in my arrest. I’ve hit rock bottom and I’ve come here to set myself straight.

EMMA: That’s just awesome, Noah. And you’re just in time, because tomorrow, the girls and I are going to perform a song for Glee Club extolling the benefits of celibacy.

PUCK: I’m down for that. Point of order, though. While three chicks and me is just a typical Saturday night in the Puckerman bedroom, it’s not the best balance for singing. We need at least one more dude.

EMMA: I’ve got that covered.

[CUT TO: INT. AUDITORIUM. The Celibacy Club, plus the jazz band and CARL, are on stage singing “Afternoon Delight” with photos of dessert as the backdrop. WILL and HOLLY laugh during the song. Some look confused. When it’s over, BRITTANY stands and claps.]

HOLLY: Hi! Um, Holly here. So, I’m a little confused. Isn’t this a strange song for the Celibacy Club to sing?

EMMA: What, why? It’s so wholesome. It was written during the Bicentennial to celebrate America and fireworks, and—

HOLLY: No, it’s about sneaking out for a nooner.

EMMA: Yes, exactly! A nooner is when you have dessert in the middle of the day, right? Right, Carl?

WILL: Well, regardless, great job, guys. Great number.

EMMA: It was fantastic.

WILL: Hey, Glee Club, let’s go.

[Everyone gets up to leave.]

CARL: Ms. Holliday? Excuse me a second. Ms. Holliday? You’re still the acting sex ed teacher, right?

HOLLY: You know it, brother.

CARL: Good. Uh, you don’t happen to have any office hours, do you?

HOLLY: Sure.

EMMA: (to RACHEL) Afternoon Delight is a dessert. It’s made with coconut and pineapple and marshmallow fluff.

CARL: I think Emma and I need an appointment.

[CUT TO: INT. HUMMELS’ KITCHEN. BURT lays down some pamphlets on the counter in front of KURT.]

KURT: What are those?

BURT: Those are some pamphlets that I picked up from the free clinic. I thought it might help the process along, because it is time that you and I had “the talk”.

KURT: No, it’s not.

BURT: Yes, it is. You told me to educate myself.

[KURT puts his fingers in his ears and tries to sing his way out of this conversation.]

BURT: Hey, you think this is easy for me? Believe me, I want to do this even less than you do. It’s going to suck for both of us. But we’re going to get through it together, and we’re both gonna be better men because of it. Now, first, most of the, uh, mechanics of what you’re gonna be doing is covered in the pamphlets, okay, so, I want you to read them. And then I want you to come talk to me about it. Deal?

KURT: Okay.

BURT: All right, now. Hey, sit down! We’re just getting started. Now, for most guys, sex is just, you know, this thing we always want to do. It’s fun, feels great, but we’re not really thinking too much about how it makes us feel on the inside, or, you know, how the other person feels about it.

KURT: Women are different?

BURT: Only because they get that it’s about something more than just the physical. You know, when you’re intimate with somebody, in that way, you’re exposing yourself. You’re never going to be more vulnerable, and that scares the hell out of a lot of guys. Believe me, I can’t tell you how many buddies I’ve got who have gotten in way too deep with a girl who said she was cool with just hooking up.

KURT: But that’s not going to happen to me, Dad.

BURT: No, it’s going to be worse, okay, because it’s two guys. With two guys, you’ve got two people who think that sex is just sex. It’s gonna be easier to come by, and once you start doing this stuff you’re not gonna want to stop. You just, you gotta know that it means something. You know. It’s doing something — to you, to your heart, to your self esteem. Even though it feels like you’re just having fun.

KURT: So you’re saying I shouldn’t have sex?

BURT: I think on your 30th birthday it is a great gift to yourself. Kurt, when you’re ready, I want you to be able to… do everything. But when you’re ready, I want you to use it as a way to connect to another person. Don’t throw yourself around, like you don’t matter. ‘Cause you matter, Kurt.

KURT: Is that it?

BURT: That’s it, for now. Can I make you some toast?

KURT: I think I’ll take it up to my room to eat while I look over my new pamphlets. Thank you, Dad.

BURT: You’re welcome.

[CUT TO: INT. CLASS ROOM. Empty aside from HOLLY, EMMA, and CARL. HOLLY sits behind the teacher’s desk.]

HOLLY: Now, I hear you guys are having some problems.

EMMA: I wouldn’t call them problems.

CARL: No, they are. We really, really are. We’re having problems.

HOLLY: When is the last time that you…

CARL: Never.

HOLLY: I beg your pardon?

CARL: We’ve been married four months and we still haven’t done the deed.

HOLLY: Girlfriend, what is up with that? He’s hot. You’re 30.

EMMA: I haven’t felt comfortable, so.

HOLLY: Well, what is it that you do?

EMMA: Um, okay, so, we cuddle a lot.

CARL: A lot. We cuddle too much. We’re cuddle monsters.

EMMA: No. Okay, we — we watch the Housewives shows, which are so, so racy. It’s racy.

CARL: It’s not like I haven’t tried. I try. I’ve made her romantic dinners, I give her roses. And every time I try to touch her — [CARL reaches out to demonstrate, EMMA nervously giggles away from his fingers] — that happens.

HOLLY: Okay, look. I am not a doctor, okay. I don’t even like doctor TV shows, unless it’s one of those ones where people strap bombs to their chests — love those. So, I would like to ask you a question and I want you to answer it very seriously. Are you still in love with Will Schuester?

CARL: You know, I was sort of thinking the same thing, but I was afraid to ask it. Are you?

EMMA: I feel very confused about my feelings.

CARL: Okay.

EMMA: I’m sorry.

CARL: No, you and your feelings can stay at the condo, and I’ll be at the Radisson. Thank you, Doctor.

HOLLY: Not a doctor.

[CARL leaves.]

EMMA: Can you please, please not tell Will about this?

HOLLY: No, of course not, of course not. My lips are sealed. Just like your legs. Oh! Kidding! God, that was rude. Why did I say that? See, a real doctor would never have said that.

[CUT TO: INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY. SANTANA walks down the hall and stops next to BRITTANY’s LOCKER.]

SANTANA: Hi.

BRITTANY: Hey.

SANTANA: Can we talk?

BRITTANY: But we never do that.

SANTANA: Yeah, I know, but I wanted to thank you for performing that song with me in Glee Club.

BRITTANY: Yeah.

SANTANA: ‘Cause it’s made me do a lot of thinking. And what I’ve realized is why I’m such a bitch all the time. I’m a bitch because I’m angry. I’m angry because I have all of these feelings — feelings for you — that I’m afraid of dealing with, because I’m afraid of dealing with the consequences. And, Brittany, I can’t go to an Indigo Girls concert, I just can’t.

BRITTANY: I understand that.

SANTANA: Do you understand what I’m trying to say here?

BRITTANY: No, not really.

SANTANA: I want to be with you. But, I’m afraid of the talks, and the looks. I mean, you know what happened to Kurt at this school.

Brittany: But, honey, if anybody were to ever make fun of you, you would either kick their ass or slash them with your vicious, vicious words.

[SANTANA starts crying.]

SANTANA: Yeah, I know, but I’m so afraid of what everyone will say behind my back. Still, I have to accept that I love you. I love you, and I don’t want to be with Sam, or Finn, or any of those other guys. I just want you. Please say you love me back. Please.

BRITTANY: Of course I love you. I do. And I would totally be with you if it weren’t for Artie.

SANTANA: Artie?

BRITTANY: I love him, too. I don’t want to hurt him, that’s not right. I can’t break up with him.

SANTANA: Yes, you can. He’s just a stupid boy.

BRITTANY: But it wouldn’t be right. Santana, you have to know, if Artie and I were to ever break up, and I’m lucky enough that you’re still single…

[BRITTANY clutches SANTANA’s arm, but SANTANA moves her arm away and holds up her hand in warning.]

SANTANA: Don’t.

BRITTANY: I am so yours. Proudly so.

SANTANA: Yeah, well, wow. Whoever thought that being fluid meant you could be so stuck.

BRITTANY: I’m sorry. Don’t. I’m sorry.

[SANTANA cries in earnest. BRITTANY tries to put her arms around SANTANA, but SANTANA pushes hard at her shoulders.]

SANTANA: Get off me.

[SANTANA walks away, with one last devastating look. BRITTANY watches her go, and then looks down at the floor.]

[CUT TO: INT. PUCK’S LOCKER. LAUREN walks by PUCK.]

LAUREN: Nerd!

PUCK: Whoa! Why you gotta hate?

LAUREN: You joined the Celibacy Club?

PUCK: What the hell? I thought you and me were an item. Lauren, stop. I need to talk to you about something. I realized something lately. I do a lot of stupid things. Once, on a dare, I swallowed a thumbtack. And I’m about 90% sure it’s still in there. I don’t think about consequences. And while I used to think that made me cool, now I just think it makes me a loser. I like you, Lauren. I like wooing you. Next to dropping my afternoon deuce, it’s my favorite part of the day. So, I’m making a change. And if that makes me a nerd, fine.

LAUREN: I really do have the urge to punch you.

[LAUREN kisses PUCK.]

LAUREN: If we can play footsie in Celibacy Club, I’m in. Nerd.

[CUT TO: INT. CELIBACY CLUB. RACHEL, in EMMA’s usual seat, bangs the gavel. LAUREN, SANTANA, BRITTANY, and ARTIE are newly present.]

RACHEL: I hereby call the Celibacy Club to order.

PUCK: Where’s Ms. Pillsbury?

RACHEL: She decided to take the hour she was spending here to fix her sham of a marriage. In the interim, I’ll be taking over.

SANTANA: Because you annoyingly take over everything?

RACHEL: Because I realized that while all of us making our celibacy pledge is wonderful, one day we’re gonna fall in love with someone and we’re going to choose to be intimate with them.

[SANTANA glances over at BRITTANY and ARTIE].

PUCK: Speaking of intimate, what’s with the hickey, Quinn?

QUINN: It’s not a hickey.

PUCK: Oh, I know hickeys. I’m a freaking connoisseur. I can make them into shapes like balloon animals.

QUINN: I burnt myself this morning with a curling iron.

BRITTANY: The key is to use the curling iron in the bathtub, to keep you from getting burnt.

LAUREN: No.

QUINN: (voiceover) I was sure I was caught.

[CUT TO: INT. QUINN’s BEDROOM. FINN’s lying on the bed, on top of the comforter.]

FINN: What was that? Is that your mom?

QUINN: She’s at work, she won’t be home for hours. Divorce rules. Come here.

[FINN rolls over to face her, and they kiss. He notices her neck.]

FINN: Ooph. I’ll be more careful with the hickey placement next time.

QUINN: This is so awesome. We have two months until prom, so we have plenty of time to campaign for prom king and queen.

FINN: But that’s not all this is about, though, right?

QUINN: Look, I made a mistake with Puck. You should have been my first. This is where I belong. With you. ‘Kay?

FINN: ‘Kay.

[They kiss.]

[CUT TO: INT. AUDITORIUM. WILL is on stage when HOLLY walks up to him.]

HOLLY: Hey, hot stuff.

WILL: Holly, hey. Just, uh, walking through some choreography. Got Regionals in a week, and I just want to make sure all the dances are, what I like to call, Finn-proof.

HOLLY: Well, I won’t keep you, I just came to say goodbye. I’m going over to Shawnee Township to teach algebra.

WILL: Really?

HOLLY: Yeah. There were some parent complaints. Apparently my cucumber demonstration made it impossible to watch Veggie Tales the same way ever again. I personally thought it made watching that show hilarious.

WILL: Wow. I really don’t want to say goodbye.

HOLY: Then maybe we shouldn’t. Teaching Santana and Brittany how to get their Stevie Nicks on made me realize how closed off I’ve been. I’m getting older, too, maybe I should try a relationship that lasts longer than 36 hours.

WILL: You serious?

HOLLY: Plus, seeing another woman with the hots for you kind of made me jealous.

WILL: Wait, what?

HOLLY: Nothing. I know a lot about sex, Will, but maybe it’s time I learned a little something about romance.

WILL: Well, I don’t know if you’ve heard, but I happen to be an excellent educator.

[They kiss.]

END CREDITS.

2x14 - Blame It on the Alcohol

Wed, 23 Nov 2011 15:40:56 -0500

2x13 - Comeback

Wed, 23 Nov 2011 15:19:40 -0500

Air Date: February 15, 2011

Written By: Ryan Murphy
Directed By: Bradley Buecker
Transcribed By: chokinonthesplinters

Featured Music:

Justin Bieber – Baby
Justin Bieber – Somebody to Love
from Rent – Take Me or Leave Me
Harry Dixon Loes – This Little Light of Mine
The Waitresses – I Know What Boys Like
My Chemical Romance – SING

—

INT. MR. SCHUESTER’S SPANISH CLASSROOM

[Close up of WILL SCHUESTER writing “regresar” on white board, camera pans back as voiceover commences; his students are throwing paper balls, the basic class disruption.]

WILL (VOICEOVER): I actually learned something in my Spanish class today.

[Will turns around to face class.]

Will: Regresar.

[MIKE CHANG crumples up a paper into a paper ball while the rest of the class looks equally interested in class lesson.]

Will (cont.): Who knows what that means? (Camera zooms in.) To come back.

Will (voiceover): That’s right. I realized the old Will Schuester was back.

(Mr. Schuester takes the paper ball that Mike had hidden in his hands.)

Will (voiceover, cont.): Glee club’s going to Regionals. We got all of Sue’s Cheerio’s money. I’m past Terry. I’m over Emma.

Will: (to class) … - come back.

[EMMA PILLSBERRY bursts into Mr. Schuester’s classroom, practically out of breath.]

EMMA: Will… it’s an emergency.

[Emma and Will are running down McKinley’s hallway]

Emma (voiceover): Becky Jackson opened Sue’s journal and found this.

[Will opens Sue’s journal, the page reading “GOOD BYE CRUEL WORLD.”]

Will: (reading) Good bye cruel world…

Emma: (looking down at journal) She could be dead by now. (shakes head)

[Camera shifts to shot of Sue’s journal: “Yes, losers. I’m committing SUE-ICIDE.”]

Glee title screen.

INT. SUE’S HOUSE.

[Cheerleading trophies in glass cases line the entryway and hallway. The door creeks open. Will appears with Emma close behind.]

Will: It’s weird the door’s open. (Will calling out in Sue’s hallway.) Sue? Sue!

[Camera pans to empty couch. Emma and Will rush to door at end of opposite hallway. Door is locked. Will tries to budge the door open with his shoulders. On the third try, the door bursts open and Will and Emma rush in.]

Will: Sue!

[Will and Emma rush to Sue’s bed. SUE SYLVESTER is lying in the middle of the bed, half-empty pill bottles all around her. Emma checks Sue’s wrist.]

Will: Oh Sue… Sue. (slapping Sue’s face) Wake up. Sue, Sue! Wake up.

Emma: (panting) I don’t feel a pulse. She doesn’t have a pulse.

[Sue suddenly sits up, startling Will and Emma.]

SUE SYLVESTER: Yeah I do. I just stopped my own heart. It’s my CIA training.

[Emma is panting, her hand over her chest, clearly startled from the “resurrected Sue Slyvester”.]

Sue (cont.): These gummy vitamins didn’t even work at all! (Looks disapprovingly at empty gummy vitamin bottle.)

[Will stands up from where he was over Sue and looks at Emma.]

Sue (cont): I was told that if you took enough vitamin-A, you drift off into a blissful oblivion.

[Emma glances at one of the vitamin bottles.]

Sue (cont.): (placing her hands on her cheeks) Instead my face just got really hot (cups her jaw with her hand) and my jaw’s sore from all that chewing.

[Emma shows Will the vitamin bottle. Sue sighs and lies back on her bed, looking up at ceiling.]

Sue (cont.): (dramatically) I have nothing to live for.

Emma: That’s not untrue.

[Sue glances over at Emma.]

Will: (addressing Emma) You know Emma, we did not come here to give her a pep talk. (He looks down at Sue) I’m sorry Sue, but you brought this on yourself.

Sue: I am well aware of my situation Will. [Camera shifts to Will, then back to Sue] After my humiliating failure to qualify for Nationals, there is nothing for me or my Cheerios to do for the rest of the year.

Emma: Why don’t you do what other cheer squads do, namely… cheer for the teams of the school.

Sue: Yeah, like that’s going to happen.

Will: Emma, let’s go.

[Will and Emma walk away from Sue’s bed. Will stops at the foot of Sue’s bed and addresses Sue.]

Will: Sue, you are nasty, manipulative, and petty.

Sue: Will, you have more grease in your hair than the guy behind Wikileaks.

Will: (scoffs) I for one am not going to play backup for your little pity-party. Take it easy Sue.

[Will turns around and leaves, Emma looks back at Sue before she exits. Sue stares up at ceiling.]

BELL RINGS.

INT. MCKINLEY HALLWAY

[SAM EVANS is walking down the McKinley halls. A smile is plastered on his face.]

SAM EVANS: Eey!

QUINN FABRAY: Hi.

[Sam kisses Quinn on the cheek.]

Sam: So, I wanted to confirm out date on Friday at Color Me Mine.

Quinn: Wait… Y-you were serious about that?

Sam: It’s paintin’ coasters time.

[Quinn looks a bit taken back.]

Sam (cont.): So (pauses) …we good for Friday?

Quinn: Y-yeah… I think so… I mean… I-I don’t think I-I have anything else to do…

Sam: Cool.

[Sam kisses Quinn’s cheek again and watches as Quinn walks away through the school crowd.]

Sam (voiceover): Things have been weird since Quinn got mono a couple weeks ago. Everyone tells me that she must’ve kissed Finn but I believe it what she told me what really happened.

FLASHBACK: INT. GLEE CHOIR ROOM

[Quinn and Sam are sitting side-by-side on the piano bench.]

Quinn: I didn’t kiss Finn, Sam (shakes head). I saved his life.

[Camera zooms in on Sam.]

INT. Kissing Booth (from Silly Love Song, 2x12)

[FINN HUDSON grabs a blue gumball and throws it in his mouth. He gulps, chokes on the gumball and faints. A random girl screams. PRINCIPAL FIGGINS appears over Finn and waves his hand in front of Finn’s face.]

PRINCIPAL FIGGINS: (loudly) HE’S NOT BREATHING!

[Quinn appears out of nowhere and starts performing “CPR” on the choking boy. Quinn leans back, a blue gumball in her mouth, when Finn starts to breathe. Quinn smiles and spits the gumball into her hand.]

[SHIFT BACK TO GLEE ROOM]

Sam: (laughs) I totally almost choked on a gumball once.

[Quinn realizes that Sam believes her story and slowly smiles, giving him a small laugh.]

END OF FLASHBACK

INT. MCKINLEY HALLWAY

Sam (voiceover): (opens locker door) I know she’s into me.

[Sam spots Quinn from across the hallway.]

Sam (voiceover, cont.): I just get the feeling that I’m loosing her.

[Finn appears and Quinn meets up with him in the middle of the busy hallway.]

Sam (voiceover, cont.): I can’t let that happen. Quinn’s the best thing that’s happened to me since I got to this school. But how? … Of course.

[Camera shift to boy with plaid hunting hat and girl with brown beanie talking. A stuffed mounted rabbit-head adorns the open locker between them.]

Sam (voiceover, cont.): My dad always said there are two ways to get a woman to love you: take her hunting and rock and roll.

INT. MCKINLEY BOYS RESTROOM

[Sam grabs a comb sitting on the side of the sink and starts combing his hair and bangs over his eyes in a Bieber-like fashion.]

Sam (voiceover, cont.): I knew what I had to do. I mean, who’s more rock and roll than Justin Bieber? (smiling at himself in the mirror) No one, that’s who.

[Camera cuts to hand plugging a cord into an amp.]

Sam (voiceover, cont.): The hair was step one.

INT. SAM’S BAT MITZVAH GIG

[A dozen or so girls are sitting around tables, bored and texting. Balloons spelling out “MAZEL TOV” sit in the background.]

Sam (voiceover, cont.): Step two was booking a couple Bat Mitzvah gigs to test how my new one-man-band would go over.

[Sam is on stage, a couple of the girls look up at him as he taps the microphone.]

Sam: [to his tween audience] Hey… I’m the Justin Bieber Experience.

[Girl yawns, bored.]

Song: The Justin Bieber Experience, Baby

[Sam begins the song off at a rocky start, but he slowly starts to catch the tween girl’s attention. They start to glance at one another and smile as they recognize the song. They giggle, hug, and look up at Sam, until they are overcome with excitement and rush towards the blonde Bieber, screaming and running over chairs. Sam trips over his amp to the floor and the girls caress and ruffle his hair.]

Sam (voiceover): Heads up Quinn Fabray. You’re about to be hit head on with the full blonde Bieber.

BELL RINGS

INT. MCKINLEY HALLWAY

[BRITTANY PIERCE is walking alone to her next class, until RACHEL BERRY catches up with her in the busy hallway.]

RACHEL BERRY: Hey Brittany, we need to talk. Why are my legwarmers on your arms?

BRITTANY PIERCE: (matter-of-factly) I got cold.

Rachel: But, no, we had a deal, okay! As I explained, I am in the midst of a career resurgence, okay? I’m done with boys, and I am focusing fully on my career now. The only way to make a complete comeback is to dominate popular discussion, maybe to launch a trend or two. I gave you half of my allowance so you could take a signature look of mine and make it popular.

Brittany: When we decided that leg warmers were more likely to catch on than reindeer sweaters.

Rachel: Yes, precisely – but it won’t work if you keep on insisting on wearing them incorrectly.

Brittany: (confused) I didn’t realize that there were rules.

[Rachel stops Brittany and stands in front of her.]

Rachel: Of course there are rules! Look, they’re leg warmers!

Brittany: (looking down at the pink leg warmers around her arms) Well… can I wear them that way tomorrow? I wore a tank-top today because I thought it was summer. No one ever taught me how to read a calendar.

Rachel: Fine, fine! A-and when people ask you who gave you your inspiration for your new accessory, you’re gonna say, ‘I’m just copying –’

Brittany: ‘I’m just copying Rachel Berry.’

Rachel: (smiles) Fantastic!

[Brittany smiles back.]

INT. MCKINLEY HALLWAY

[Notebooks and papers litter the hallway floor. Someone screams in the background. Sue is clearly angry and is taking her anger out on any of the McKinley students who happen to be in her wake.]

Sue: You wanna know how I feel about hats?

[Sue grabs a student’s hat and flings it across the hallway.]

Sue (cont.): Just cause!

[She grabs TINA COHEN-CHANG by the shoulders and throws her against the lockers.]

Sue: Just cause! None of you should be making eye contact with me. Get out! Go!

[Several students scamper away, scared at Sue’s outrage.]

Sue (cont.): Get used to this abuse Glee kids! I got nothin’ but time.

[Sue bats the books out of LAUREN ZIZES’ arms.]

Sue (cont.): Nothing but time.

[Will watches Sue’s enrage from afar, clearly paralyzed by Sue’s outburst.]

INT. EMMA PILLSBERRY’S OFFICE

Will: I think she’s dangerous. Idle hands are the devil’s playthings. I mean, Sue’s got nothing to do now. Which means it’s only a matter of time before she starts coming after the Glee club.

Sue: Hey Will. Esme. So sorry for not being sorry for interrupting. But would you mind if I borrowed one of your rafters so I could hang myself. (Holds up a makeshift noose.) I did a test run back in my office and you know what. There’s asbestos up there, and that could kill a person.

Will: Sue, (grabbing the noose from Sue) — sit!

[Sue sits down.]

Will (cont.): Now I know you’re upset. But life… is beautiful. I mean, are you going to tell me that there hasn’t been one moment since your epic decline that you haven’t felt yourself feel good about something?

Sue: Well, yes, Will. For a matter of fact, there was, there was one moment. I was driving to work this morning in my Le Car and Charleen’s ‘I’ve Never Been To Me’ came on the radio. And when it got to the chorus, I just opened my mouth and belted it out with her. And I have to say that it felt really good.

Emma: (nodding) Sue should join the Glee club.

Will: I’m sorry?

Sue: Nuuuue – I’d rather be dead.

Emma: (still nodding) Yes, I mean you can’t join. But she could sit in. Yes, Will. Look Sue is in a really bad place right now.

[Emma grabs the noose, stands up and throws the noose into the trash can.]

Emma (cont.): And you’re always talking about the healing powers of music. There are studies that show that it helps with depression, elevates the mood. I have a pamphlet!

[Will rubs his face. Emma slides a pamphlet called “I Am Too Depressed To Even Open This Pamphlet” in front of Will and Sue. Will grabs the pamphlet and looks at it.]

Will: Emma, I don’t think that this is a good idea at all.

Sue: I agree with Sponghair Squarechin. It’s a stupid idea.

Emma: T-the football team did it for a spell. And that really… brought people together, Will. And this is a great chance to keep your eye on Sue. You know, to make sure the ol’ gal’s okay.

[Will catches Emma’s wink and glances over at Sue.]

Sue: Well you know what folks? At this point to elevate my crippling depression, I’d do anything.

[Emma smiles at Will; Will is surprised by Sue’s answer; he smiles and laughs.]

INT. GLEE CHOIR ROOM

TINA COHEN-CHANG: This can’t be happening.

ARTIE ABRAMS: Yeah, this does seem like a terrible idea.

Will: Guys! It’s not up for discussion, okay?

[Camera pans across Glee room. The New Directions kids are all sitting in the chairs, some of them with their arms crossed, clearly in disagreement with Will’s decision about Sue sitting-in on their rehersals.]

Will (cont.): Now it’s no secret that Coach Sylvester has taken her licks.

SANTANA LOPEZ: (shaking her head) I mean… just wanky…

[Sue looks over at Santana.]

Will: And I believe that she could use a little sympathy from us.

MERCEDES JONES: (appalled) Sympathy? From us? Nuh uh.

Quinn: Yeah, all she’s ever done is make our lives miserable.

Santana: She got exactly what she deserved.

Sue: You’re lucky I left my blow-gun at home Air-bags cause I got a clear shot at your nonnies.

[Santana looks from Sue to Will in unbelief.]

Will: Guys…! Coach Sylvester has had her recent setbacks but she is a proven champion. We could do worse than to have that winning record in our midst.

Sue: Let me break it down for you. I am no longer a threat to you people, alright. I’m just hoping that your singing and dancing around will pull me out of my doldrums and give me a reason to live… Is that too much to ask?

Will: Guys, it’s settled. Sue’s going to be with us for the week. Now, I received a envelope in the mail today.

[Will picks up a letter that was sitting on the piano behind him.]

Quinn: Yes, you did.

[Several students make approval comments.]

Will: I know that we’re facing Kurt and the Warblers at Regionals.

Sue: Sweet Porcelain…

Will: And it looks like this year, we face Oral Intensity again.

Mercedes: (sighs) They cleaned our clock last year.

Will: It seems that the governing board has assigned a theme to this year’s Regionals and part of our score will be based on how we interpret it. This year’s theme: anthem. Now who can tell us who what an anthem is?

[Rachel raises her hand.]

Brittany: (not waiting to be called upon before answering) (matter-of-factly) It’s the bottom of an ant’s pants.

Will: … So close, so close.

[Rachel’s hand is still in the air.]

Will (cont.): No, an anthem is an epic song…

[Artie looks to Brittany looking sympathetic; Rachel puts her hand down.]

Will (cont.): … Filled with a-a ground-swell of emotion, that seems bigger than itself — even bigger than the person performing it.

Sam: (raising his hand) Mr. Schue?

[Sam gets up and stands next to Will.]

Will: Oh, hey Sam. I didn’t even notice your new haircut…

Sam: Yeah, I’ve been looking at a new image for my one-man band, The Justin Bieber Experience.

Quinn: (clearly not enthralled by Sam’s new band) You have got to be kidding me.

NOAH “PUCK” PUCKERMAN: Dude, that haircut makes your mouth look… even … bigger…

[Students laugh in background.]

Sue: (raising her hand to the other students.) Let her speak.

Sam: Laugh all you want, but that kid’s an epic talent. And there’s a number that I’ve been working on that I’ve been meaning to show off. And I think it qualifies as an anthem because… it’s just hugely emotional and… sums up our generation.

Will: (patting Sam on the chest) Alright, let’s hear it buddy.

[Sam grabs a guitar sitting by the band that was sitting in. Sam strums a few chords as he centers himself in the middle of the room.]

Song: The Justin Bieber Experience, Baby

[Sam starts to serenade Quinn, who is clearly not enjoying the attention.]

Tina: (smiles) This is actually a pretty good song…

[Finn looks at Tina. Sam puts his guitar down and grabs a chair, straddling it, still singing to Quinn. He pulls Quinn, who is sitting in her chair, close to him and sings to her, looking in her eyes. Quinn looks down, embarrassed. Sam gets up off the chair as the chorus begins and starts to dance. Several of the Glee girls hoot in approval, some waving their arms in the air, some start to clap along with the beat; the Glee club boys are all looking around, seeing what the Bieber has done to the girls. Sam jumps up on the piano, slides to the edge, and jumps off. Quinn starts to stare adoringly up at Sam. Sam fixes his hoodie, still looking at Quinn.]

[Throughout the song, Finn is just looking around boredly. He stops in front of Brittany who rubs his hair. Sam pulls the hood up on his head as the songs ends. Santana starts to fan herself; the Glee girls all clap and woot.]

Mike: The Biebster…

Sue: I gotta get that girl on my Cheerios…

BELL RINGS

INT. MCKINLEY BOYS LOCKER ROOM

[Sam is fixing his hair; Artie, Mike and Puck appear behind him.]

PUCK: We want in.

[Sam turns around.]

Sam: In what?

ARTIE ABRAMS: The Justin Bieber Experience. We want in the band.

Sam: But it’s a one-man band.

Mike: So… expand… ?

Sam: I don’t get it. You guys were totally making fun of me for singing Bieber.

Puck: That’s because we underestimated the power of the Biebs.

Mike: He’s clearly like a mini-God.

Artie: Look how you made all those chicks melt in Glee club. Now think about the power of four Biebers.

Puck: We’d be unstoppable.

Mike: All of our relationships are at a standard post-Valentines Day low.

[SCENE SHIFT to Mike and Tina making out in the hallway. Tina is playing with her phone over Mike’s shoulder. Mike stops kissing Tina, and they break apart.]

Mike: Are you playing Angry Birds?

Tina: Sorry…

Mike: Want me to show you my abs?

Tina: If you want to…

[Mike pulls up his shirt revealing a perfectly sculpted 6-pack set of abs. Tina’s attention reverts to the game on her phone.]

[SHIFT back to Artie, Mike, Puck and Sam in the boy’s locker room.]

Artie: Here’s what happens to the female chemistry. They get a huge shot of endorphins on Valentines Day and everything is heightened and so romantic. The problem is days later, when they come down from their seized candy-high, they crash. And everything else by comparison is hump day.

Mike: We need the sugary-sweet jolt of the Biebs to get us some of the action again.

Sam: Why do you want in Puckerman?

Puck: I’m at the end of my Lauren Zizes rope. I’ll try anything to get into those enormous pants.

[Finn appears by Puck.]

FINN HUDSON: Uhh… what’s goin’ on?

Artie: We’re uh, joining the Justin Beiber Experience — if Sam’s cool with it.

Puck: And if not, we’re starting our own band.

Mike: Bieber Fever.

Finn: Wait, y-you guys do realize that Justin Bieber sucks… right?

Sam: (walking towards Finn) Quinn seemed to be pretty into him when I was singing in Glee club.

Finn: Right, well I’m going to spend my time working on songs that aren’t geared towards 12-year olds.

[Finn turns to leave, Sam stops him.]

Sam: Good. Cause then you won’t have any time to pick up any other guy’s girlfriends.

Finn: Hey… back off man. I didn’t kiss your girlfriend. She saved my life.

[Finn walks away with a small smirk on his face.]

Mike: So… what do you say? Are we in?

Sam: Fine.

[Artie, Mike and Puck all smile, congratulating themselves.]

Sam (cont.): But we need to figure out something to do with Puckerman’s hair.

[Puck stops smiling.]

BELL RINGS

INT. MCKINLEY HALLWAY

[SHOT of Rachel Berry’s locker door. A To-Do list is taped up on the door. Things on the list include: Celine Dion’s B-day, Friend request Barbra Streisand again, Ann Margret in concert, Avatar on Ice audition… Rachel adds another thing to her list and looks approvingly at it. Rachel looks away and something catches her eye. Rachel looks around and sees many of the girls wearing leg warmers on their arms in a Brittany-like fashion.]

Rachel: Oh no…

[More girls walk by, Rachel observes them with leg warmers on their arms.]

Rachel (cont.): No… way…

[Brittany and Tina are walking down the hallway.]

Tina: You’re a genius. They have changed my life. I didn’t know my arms could be so toasty. You’re a hero. You should win some kind of award.

[Rachel appears behind Brittany and Tina and stops them.]

Rachel: (to Brittany) What are you doing?

Brittany: I’m so sorry Rachel. It just sorta caught on.

Rachel: I see that! That is not what we agreed upon. I want my allowance back right now.

[Rachel holds her palm out, expecting Brittany to cough the money up.]

Brittany: It’s already gone. My uncle lost his job and his goat was going hungry. So I spent it on food for the goat. I mean, sort of. The goat just ate the money.

Rachel: Okay. The-the only way to proceed is for you to come to school dressed up exactly like me.

Brittany: (looking down at Rachel’s clothes) What is that look called?

Rachel: Sexy-school-girl-librarian-chic. Alright, you’d better get a move on, okay. Kids ‘R’ Us closes at 6 pm sharp. (Rachel pats Brittany’s arm.} Go Brittany.

[Rachel strolls away.]

INT. SUE SLYVESTER’S OFFICE

[Shot of Sue writing in her journal.]

Sue (voiceover): Dear journal, my lust for life is renewed. I have found myself dropped behind enemy lines, poised to destroy the Glee club from within. Schuester and his guidance councilor, Ginger, have fell for my pity-party, hook, line and sinker. And now I’m in and ready to sink them once and for all. Thus begins my plan. I will pit these Glee clubbers against one another, rupturing the group internally, until it explodes like a ripe zit.

[There’s a knock at Sue’s door. Mercedes is standing by the open door.]

Mercedes: You wanted to see me…

Sue: (takes of glasses) Yes, Mercedes, have a seat.

[Sue gets up, circles her desk and sits on one of the folding chairs across her desk, next to Mercedes.]

Sue: So, I’ve decided that I’m going to sing a song in Glee club and I need your advice. Now as you may know, I have a background in music. For a brief period, I was tambourine player for Wilson Phillips. What I need to learn from you… is how to be a diva.

Mercedes: (taken back) Oh, well, you defiantly come to the right girl. I mean being a diva is all about attitude. Something I know you’re not short on. It’s all about sassy fingers and shaking that weave and generally, taking no nonsense from nobody.

Sue: Dig it sister.

INT. MCKINLEY HALLWAY

[Rachel and Sue are strolling along down the hallway.]

Rachel: Well, I’ll have to say that I’m flattered and shocked that you came to me.

Sue: Oh, come now Rochelle. It doesn’t humble me to say that I simply need your tutelage.

Rachel: Well, I’ll say this. Being a diva is all about emotion. In fact, you feel so much emotion that it cannot be physically contained. (dramatically) Sometimes you have to close your eyes and turn your head and push. Push your feelings away. They’re that big.

Sue: Wow. Well that Mercedes is wrong about you.

Rachel: What… what did she say?

Sue: Oh, I don’t remember the specifics. Just something about how you’re not as talented as you think you are and all you ideas are horrible. I dunno, something like that.

[Sue leaves Rachel shocked in the middle of the busy hallway.]

INT. SUE SLYVESTER’S OFFICE

[Camera zooms in on Mercedes’ face.]

Mercedes: She said what?

Sue: Yep. She said, quote (camera zooms in on Sue’s lips) ‘not that talented.’

[Camera cuts to Mercedes’ reaction to Sue’s words. Mercedes looks pissed.]

INT. MCKINLEY HALLWAY

[Mercedes and Rachel meet in the middle of the hallway. Camera begins to circle around the two divas.]

Mercedes: There you are. I heard what you said about me.

Rachel: I heard what you said about me.

Mercedes: Just when I though we were friends.

Rachel: I guess that that will never happen will it?

Mercedes: I guess not. You know, there’s only one “I” in diva, Rachel, and “I” is me. Guess we’re going to have to settle this the old fashioned way.

Rachel: Diva-off

Mercedes: Tomorrow. Glee club.

Rachel: Right not right now?

Mercedes: Cause I have to go get my cross-trainers. Wanna know why? I’m gonna be doin’ some runs.

[The two girls look at each other one more time before storming off in different directions. Sue is the background, having observed the skirmish. A “smile” creeps on her face.]

INT. GLEE CHOIR ROOM

[Quinn is sitting in the middle row. Finn sits down next to her, wrapping his arm around the back of her chair.]

Finn: So, Friday night (wraps an arm around the back of Quinn’s chair). I figured we’d check out the Sulivan Rink. They have ice-rink bumper cars.

Quinn: (whispering and keeping an eye at the door) I told you, I haven’t decided on what I’m doing yet.

[Sam, Artie, Puck and Mike stroll in, decked out in Bieber-esk attire.

[Camera zooms in onto Mercedes.]

Mercedes: Sweet Jesus, who bought tickets to crazy town?

[Sam smiles at Quinn, who returns his smile. Artie tosses his hair; Brittany smiles at the action. Mike makes pucker-fish lips to Tina, who looks at him disapprovingly. Finn looks confused. Puck is wearing a Bieber-like wig which he flicks his hair, trying to get the bangs out of his eyes. Lauren’s mouth is gapping open.]

Will: Alright, so the guys here are ready to give us their anthem.

Sam: Hey everybody. We are the new and improved The Justin Bieber Experience.

[Santana and Quinn smile.]

Sam (cont.): And we think that this song is an anthem because everything Bieber does is epic.

Artie: Truth!

Sam: Anyway, this song, like all the songs I sing, are for my girlfriend Quinn (points a finger at Quinn).

[Sam turns to the band behind him.]

Sam: (to Glee band) Hit it.

[The Bieber boys all strut around to their positions until music starts. Camera cuts to keyboard being played, and Artie starts turning in his wheelchair.]

INT. MCKINLEY AUDITORIUM

Song: The Justin Bieber Experience, 2,0 - Somebody to Love

[Sam, Artie, Puck, and Mike are all standing on a darkened stage, spotlights are lit above them. Artie is still spinning around in his wheelchair while Mike and Puck dance around in their spotlight circles. Sam is kneeling down. The Glee girls scramble into the auditorium and stand at the foot of the stage.]

[The Glee boys, minus Finn, continue their number dancing in their spotlights with flour, etc. Puck seems to have lost the merkin-wig for the number. The camera occasionally cuts to the Glee girls, who have all clearly caught the “Bieber fever”. Will, who is sitting next to Sue in the back, claps encouragingly. Finn still can’t believe that everyone loves what the other boys are doing.]

[The song comes to an end. The girls are all hooting and whooping. Finn is just sitting there, contemplating…]

[The Justin Bieber Experience chill in one of the stage wings. Brittany and Tina rush to their respective boyfriends. Quinn walks up to Finn.]

Quinn: I, uh, actually can’t do Friday.

[Quinn walks away, leaving Finn even more confused. Camera cuts to Puck jumping down to stage and walking towards Lauren.]

Puck: Hey Lauren.

[He tries to flip the wig-hair from his eyes.]

Puck: (a little out of breath) So, uh, whatd’ya think?

Lauren: Honestly… although my love would crush him… I’m totally turned on by the Biebster. That is until I remember that he looks like he’s twelve, then it’s sort of creepy. So if I was gonna give you a grade… C +.

[Lauren turns to leave. Puck looks like he’s fed up with all that Lauren’s put him through.]

Puck: Listen Zizes. I’m dying here. You got me every which way and we both know I’m not the brightest. So please! What do I have to do to git wit choo?

Lauren: I may have a proposition for you. I’ll keep you posted.

[Lauren turns away, leaving Puck smiling. He flips the hair out of his eyes again, watching Lauren leave.]

[Scene cuts to Quinn walking up to Sam, who stands up, adjusting his backpack.]

Quinn: Color Me Mine?

Sam: I’ll color you yours any day.

[Quinn smiles, and brings her hand to Sam’s cheek. Sam leans in to kiss her but Quinn walks away, being a tease. Sam smiles and congratulates himself.]

[Santana strolls in.]

Santana: Mmm, Sammy Evans. You are Biebalicious. How are things going with you and Quinn?

Sam: Fine…

Santana: No they’re not. You and I should, uh… talk soon.

[Santana looks at Sam acknowledging, before sauntering away.]

BELL RINGS

INT. MCKINLEY HALLWAY

[Quinn and Finn are walking together to their next class.]

Quinn: Sam’s an artist, Finn.

Finn: An artist? I guess that’s why he’s taking you to Color Me Mine.

Quinn: I told you that I needed time to figure out what I was going to do with Sam… and I did. I choose him.

Finn: Because of the Justin Bieber Experience… ?

[Quinn turns around to face Finn.]

Quinn: Look, I thought it was gonna be stupid too. But he was so… (smiles) shameless. He just got up there and owned it. It was sexy. I’m sorry Finn.

[Finn rolls his eyes.]

Quinn (cont.): But-but like I said, Sam’s an artist. And at the end of the day (Quinn reaches up to whisper in Finn’s ear) … it really turns me on.

[A smile creeps up onto Finn’s face as Quinn turns and walks away.]

INT. MCKINLEY GYM

[Lauren, decked out in wrestling gear, is wrestling a teammate during practice. She grabs him by the headgear, his arms flaying, and twists him down to the floor. Puck is watching from the bleachers. Lauren does a clothesline move, trumping him to the floor. She body slams him and pins her teammate to the floor. The coach blows his whistle, signaling that the match is over. Lauren helps her traumatized teammate up. She saunters over to waiting Puck and sits down next to him.]

Puck: Do dudes ever get erections when they wrestle with you?

Lauren: Shut it Puckerman. We’re here to talk business.

Puck: Sorry…

Lauren: Okay… I want to do a number for Glee club. That’s stage one of my master plan.

Puck: Shoo me. So, what, do you want me to back you up on my axe?

Lauren: Yeah, but I also need some advice… I’m a little bit nervous about singing in front of a crowd. Up until now, I’ve only really sung in the steam-shower.

Puck: (getting caught up in the moment) Hot… but ridiculous. You’re the most confident chick I know.

Lauren: Yeah, I know I’m hot melted butter. But singing is different. And I want to be great… or at least as good as Berry.

Puck: I get nervous before I sing too. But I always overcome. You wanna know my secret?

Lauren: (nods) Yeah.

Puck: Oldest trick in the book. Just picture the audience in their underwear.

Lauren: Even the dudes?

Puck: It’s not about sex. It’s just about seeing the audience as more vulnerable than you. Trust me, it works every time. Can I touch your knockers now?

[Puck stares at Lauren’s chest.]

Lauren: Only if you want to loose a hand…. but you’re on your way.

[Lauren gets up to leave and Puck smiles.]

BELL RINGS

INT. GLEE CHOIR ROOM

Sue: (to Mercedes) Remember, I want this diva-off to be a bloodbath.

Mercedes: Oh, trust, it’s about to go down.

[Behind Mercedes, Brittany and Rachel enter the room.]

Rachel: (to Brittany) You look amazing.

Brittany: I really do.

Rachel: This look has to go viral. Is there any way that you can cut class for the rest of the day just so you could just walk down the halls?

Brittany: Totally. Most teachers think that by cutting class, I might improve my grades.

Rachel: Great.

[Brittany and Rachel split and take a seat.]

Tina: (to Finn) Why are you dressed like that? I thought that you weren’t into the Biebster?

[Finn pulls the hood of his hoodie onto his head as Tina takes a seat beside him, her arms crossed.]

Finn: I wasn’t. But somebody told me that Justin Bieber’s, like, the king of Youtube with over a billion views.

[Tina nods.]

Finn: An anthem’s supposed to appeal to the masses, right, so before I pick my anthem, (tosses his hair) I was working on my anthem… look.

[Quinn and Sam take seats in the row behind Tina and Finn. Quinn looks at Finn confused.]

Will: (walking to the piano) Okay guys and gals… and Sue. It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for.

[Mercedes fixes her hair. Cut to Rachel throwing her own hair behind her shoulders.]

Will (cont.): Our next diva-off. So here they are, sure to give us a fantastic anthem.

[Rachel and Mercedes are having a stare down. Rachel smiles.]

Will (cont.) Mercedes and Rachel! Let’s give it up!

[Will runs off the room’s “center stage” while the Glee club applause.]

Rachel: After much argument, I finally convinced Mercedes that in order to do a proper diva-off, it has to come from the Broadway catalogue. Which, I think, is safe to say that that gives me home field advantage.

Mercedes: Oh well, you’re about to get beat on your own turf.

Rachel: Hit it!

Song: Rachel Berry vs. Mercedes Jones - Take Me or Leave Me

[Song starts. Sue, who is sitting away from the Glee clubbers, nods approvingly. Throughout the beginning of the song, Rachel and Mercedes both look at each other with dislike. Rachel clearly tries to hog the spotlight, but Mercedes fights for her share of the attention. The Glee kids are all clapping and hooting along with the song.]

[Finn does a little hair flip again and Quinn looks at him with a look practically saying “Seriously… seriously, Finn?”]

[As the song starts to come to a close, Mercedes and Rachel begin to work together, sharing equal parts of the spotlight and approve of each other, ending the bitter feelings shared between them. Sue looks around, clearly not amused.]

Mercedes: Oh my God, that was so great.

[Rachel and Mercedes hug.]

Mercedes (cont.): Great. You kicked my butt.

Rachel: (laughing, pointing at Mercedes) No. (to the other Glee clubbers) What about her, what about her?

Will: Awesome!

Sue: Hey, where’s the hate?

[Mercedes and Rachel both share a slight look of confusion.)

Will: Not the point of Glee club, Sue.

BELL RINGS

INT. WILL SCHUESTER’S OFFICE

[Will is working on paperwork as Sue walks into his office.]

Sue: I understand you wish to see me.

Will: Yes, Sue, I did. I saw how you were in class today.

[Will caps his pen and stands up.]

Will (cont.): What are you doing tomorrow night? I want to take you somewhere.

Sue: Nuu, nuu, no way. I don’t care how depressed I am - I will not date a curly.

Will: (laughs) Not on a date, Sue.

Sue: Still probably not gonna go.

Will: You’re interested on making your comeback, right?

[Sue eyes her arch nemesis.]

Will (cont.): Well, I think it’s important that you see something.

INT. LIMA HOSPITAL – PEDIATRIC FLOOR HALLWAY

[Will and Sue are walking down the Pediatric floor. Doctors and nurses scuttle around looking busy.]

Sue: Hate ‘em. Hate hospitals, William. That’s why I keep voting for those death panels.

Will: Sue, I know you. You crack jokes whenever you feel uncomfortable.

Sue: Not really joking William.

[Will pushes open doors.]

Sue (cont.): And you have a pension for sappy scenarios set to music, so I demand to know where we’re going.

Will: (sighs) We’re going to the Pediatric cancer ward.

[Sue makes a face.]

Will (cont.): No, no. Once a month, I come down here and I sing songs with some of the kids getting long-term care.

Sue: Yep. No.

[Sue turns to leave. Will catches her coat and pulls her back.]

Will: Suuuue!

Sue: Uh, William, I know what you’re getting at. I have been selfish. Yes, I was ridiculed on the National stage, but you’re right. It’s nothing when you compare it to what many people have to deal with and come back from. I should be grateful. Well, congratulations. I’ve learned my lesson.

Will: Then let’s celebrate. Let’s sing with some kids! Look, you’re right. Sometimes Glee club is a little silly. But we push through the weird to get to the real stuff. I mean… music can get out a part of us that’s hard to open up to. But please…

[Will grabs Sue’s shoulder and looks her in the eyes.]

Will (cont.): Go there with me… I think it’ll be good for you Sue. No outfits. No jazz hands. Just… music.

Sue: Fine. And William, I don’t care how adorable those kids are - if I hear one song from that classic rock outfit Journey… I will start pulling catheters.

[Will laughs and pats Sue’s arm. They start to walk down the hallway.]

Will: Come on.

INT. LIMA HOSPITAL – PEDIATRIC CANCER WARD PLAY ROOM

[Sue and Will enter the room. Will is holding a ukulele case.]

Will: Haley.

[A nurse looks up, and all the kids acknowledge him.]

Will: Hey guys!

NURSE IN PURPLE SCRUBS CALLED HALEY: Hey Will.

[A little boy with an orange beanie scuttles over to Will and gives him a high five.]

Will: Hey! My man!

[A little girl runs up and hugs Will.]

Will: (sweetly) Hi.

Haley: Oh my God. You’re Sue Sylvester. I just saw you on T.V.

Sue: Oh.

Haley: Hey guys. This lady was interviewed on T.V. by Katie Couric.

Sue: Holy sweet baby Jesus…

Haley: What do you say guys… you ready to make some music?

[The kids all cheer. A small girl in a pink robe runs up to Sue and attaches to Sue’s leg. Sue looks down, unsure what to do.]

Will: Let’s do this thing. (Holds up the ukulele case) I brought my special little guy with me.

[The kids all cheer again.]

Will (cont.) Yeah, all right!

[Camera cuts to Will, Sue, Haley, and children all sitting in a circle on the floor.]

Will: (after strumming the last few chords) All right, and that’s all there is to it. So, does everyone know their parts?

Kids: Yes.

Will: Sue?

Sue: My kids are gonna mop the floor with your kids.

Will: Not a chance.

[Sue laughs.]

Will (cont.): All right! I’m gonna sing the first two, and, uh, then you guys come in and join me. Just like we practiced. All right?

Song: Will Schuester, Sue Sylvester and kids – This Little Light of Mine

[When the song starts, some of the kids (and Sue) wave a finger in the air, signifying a light, while some of them sway to the music. The kids act out the lyrics: covering their finger with their other hand with the lyric “hide it under a bushel”.]

[As the song plays on, Sue seems to have become closer to the small girl in the pink robe, who is sitting on her lap. Will and Sue share a little moment.]

[When Will strums the final chords and the song comes to an end, the small girl in pink kisses Sue’s cheek.]

Will: Give yourselves a hand! All right!

[Everyone in the room claps.]

Will (cont.): Good job.

(The small girl in pink is leaning her head against Sue’s chin.)

Sue: (smiling) I’ll never forgive you for this.

Will: (smiles back at Sue) Deal.

BELL RINGS.

INT. MCKINLEY HALLWAY

[Quinn and Santana are talking by Santana’s locker. Camera pans up Quinn who is wearing an outfit that imitates Brittany, who is trying to imitate Rachel style: penny loafers, tights, a plaid skirt, horse silhouette sweater complete with a bow and headband. Santana is wearing pretty much the same attire, just different colors.]

Santana: Look Q, I know that we’ve had our differences… but I can’t lie. That outfit looks amazing on you.

Quinn: It looks good on anyone. Penny loafers and tights: genius!

Santana: Outrageous! I mean, my carousel horse sweater should make me look like an institutionalized toddler.

[Camera pans up and down Santana’s body.]

Santana (cont.): But no, I look hot and smart! I feel like Michelle Obama.

[Tina walks up to Santana and Quinn. She’s wearing a blue horse sweater and outfit that mimics the two ex-Cheerios.]

Tina: Oh my God. You guys look amazing.

[Quinn and Santana gasp and look at Tina’s outfit.]

Tina (cont.): Seriously, she’s a genius and an icon.

[Rachel walks up to the girls. She’s wearing her usual Rachel outfit, but instead of the horse sweaters that Santana, Quinn and Tina don, she wears a reindeer sweater.]

Rachel: (cheerily) Who is?

[Santana rolls her eyes.]

Quinn: (turning towards Rachel) Brittany. Who did you think?

Santana: Who knew that taking off that Cheerios uniform would turn her into a fashion institution?

Rachel: (smiles sweetly and looks around) Is this a joke?

Santana: No, that sweater is. Who wears a reindeer sweater?

Rachel: Uh, a-all three of you.

Tina: No, (points to her sweater) this is a carousel horse.

Quinn: (trying to be helpful) If you want to know what to wear, just look to Brittany.

Rachel: Look, she took the look from me, okay. I paid her.

Tina: You’re a terrible liar, Rachel.

Quinn: I can’t believe that you would take this away from poor Brittany.

Santana: It’s sad. You’re just sad.

[Rachel looks away from the three girls and spots someone farther down the hallway. She storms away from the girls and walks up to Brittany.]

Rachel: (to Brittany) Hey! I need to talk to you. I want my money back.

Brittany: Well, I used it to pay a publicist.

Rachel: What?

Brittany: Jacob in Israel posted a photo and this website called The Sartorialistnamed me “The Trendiest Girl in America.”

Rachel: Brittany… I’m trying to stage a comeback here.

Brittany: Okay, but what exactly are you coming back from?

Rachel: I-I…

Brittany: Listen Rachel, I’m going to give you some tough love right now. You’re not a trendsetter. When people look at you, they don’t see what you’re wearing. They see a cat getting its temperature taken and then they hear it screaming. I’m really sorry but I have to go. I have an interview with Teen Vogue.

[Brittany walks away, leaving Rachel with her pride hurt.]

BELL RINGS

INT. MCKINLEY GLEE CHOIR ROOM

[Will and Lauren are standing in the middle of the room. Lauren looks awkward standing at the front of the room.]

Will: All right. Let’s get right down to it. Starting us off and making her New Directions solo debut, Miss Lauren Zizes.

[Camera cuts to Glee kids who are clapping: the boys are still wearing their Biebster hoodies, and the girls (minus Mercedes) are still wearing outfits imitating Brittany imitating Rachel.]

Will (cont.): So, uh, what are you gonna sing for us, Lauren?

Lauren: (cockily) Here’s how I see it. I know I’m the hottest bitch in this joint. If I was a country, my flag would be a big fist giving the world a finger. And this would be my national anthem. (nods)

Will: Oh-kay… (walks off to sit in audience)

Lauren: Puckerman. Grab your guitar.

[Puck gets up and does what he’s told.]

Lauren (cont.): Tina, Brittany… ready?

[Tina and Brittany get up and stand behind Lauren.]

Lauren (cont.): Great, awesome, super cool.

[Lauren does a little humming noise, watching Brittany, making sure that her backup dancers are in their places.]

Lauren (cont.): (to herself) Okay. Two, three, four.

Song: Lauren Zizes - I Know What Boys Like

[When the song starts, Lauren looks awkward and very nervous. Brittany and Tina are dancing behind her. The Glee kids look around at each other, confused and unsure what to do. By the end of the first verse, Puck mouths “underwear!”]

[The song stalls as the camera pans to the Glee kids in their underwear/pajamas. Lauren gains some confidence and overcomes her nervousness. Her newfound courage brings out her usual sassy, confident self: she slaps Brittany and Tina’s butts; motorboats Artie (Artie looks cross between horrified and the happiest man alive, causing Rachel and Santana to look even more confused). Throughout the song, Puck looks at Lauren proudly.]

[Lauren approaches Puck, who puckers his lips. Lauren comes in closer before pulling back and yelling “sucker!” and continues the song.]

[When the song reaches its end, she pushes Brittany and Tina to the floor before twirling around. Puck and the rest of the Glee club applaud.]

Puck: (to the Glee club) How freakin’ hot is she?

[The Glee clubbers all get up and surround Lauren, applauding her first solo. Camera cuts to Will squeezing Sue’s shoulder.]

BELL RINGS

INT. MCKINLY LIBRARY

[Sam and Santana are sitting at a table in the library.]

Sam: (imitating James Earl Jones) This morning I woke up and decided to swallow the sun. (In his normal voice) That was my James Earl Jones impression (smiles).

[Santana looks at Sam like he’s a talking fish.]

Santana: First of all, that is offensive. He shot Martin Luther King.

Sam: (failing to catch Santana’s displeasure, he continues with his impression) Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father.

Santana: Okay, you know what. Let’s just cut to the chase. Despite the fact that your mouth-to-face ratio is, like, way off, you still somehow manage to be cute. But make no mistake: Every time you open your humongous mouth to do an impression or moisten an enormous stamp for a lazy giant, you take one step closer to everyone seeing that you are actually a dork, which is where I come in. I hereby offer my services as a mistress. (In her Lima Heights Santana slur) I wantz on them froggy lips, and I wantz on ‘em now!

Sam: But I’m dating Quinn.

Santana: And this just in? She cheated on you.

Sam: (not believing Santana) No she didn’t.

Santana: Look, I know you’re as dumb as a bag of wet hair, but you know in your heart that she’s lying! That gumball story was insane! You’re choosing to believe it so you can still be with her.

[Sam looks forlorn.]

Santana (cont.): (straightening herself in her chair) But consider my offer. Not only am I giving you full visitation rights to these sets of rambunctious twins that live on my ribcage (glancing down at her chest), you get the chance to show that pastry bag, Finn, that he can’t mess with Sam Evans — and not just because you can unlock your humongous jaw and swallow him whole like a python… but because you have some buzz at this school!

[Sam looks up at Santana.]

Santana (cont.) Think about it.

[Santana shrugs and gets up, leaving Sam to contemplate what she’s said. Sam sighs.]

BELL RINGS

INT. WILL SCHUESTER’S OFFICE

[Will and Sue walk into Will’s office.]

Sue: Will, you have a problem.

[Will turns and looks at Sue.]

Will: You?

Sue: No, your Glee kids. They have no comprehension skills. Your assignment was anthems and I’ll be damned as your hairdresser if any of them sung a single one.

Will: Sue!

[Will sits down.]

Will (cont.): Are you trying to tell me that you want to perform an anthem?

Sue: Well… I’ll admit that your, uh, little field trip to the House of Sad inspired me a bit. But I’m not going to go it alone. The whole crew has to sing it with me. Here’s the catch: no more Bieber, no hoodies, no pocket lesbian Bieber hair.

[Will laughs and gets up.]

Will: Well, that can be arranged. What’s your song?

[Sue squints her eyes.]

Song: Glee Cast – SING

[Song opens to Rachel and Finn, wearing plaid and jeans, singing back-to-back on the McKinley auditorium stage. Will is sitting at his table in the audience. As soon as the chorus starts, the rest of the Glee kids (and Sue) scamper out, also wearing plaid while some are also wearing hats, to join Rachel and Finn to dance onstage.]

[As the song ends, the Glee kids (and Sue) bunch together at the foot of the stage and jump around together. Will claps and whoo-hoos. Sue stands on stage and does a fist-pump in the air.]

BELL RINGS.

INT. MCKINLEY HALLWAY

[Quinn walks up to Sam, who is putting stuff away in his locker.]

Quinn: (smiling) Hey. Do you think I could borrow one of your t-shirts to use as a smock tonight at Color Me Mine? I kinda have a thing for wearing my boyfriend’s shirts.

Sam: We’re not going to Color Me Mine.

[Quinn’s smile falters.]

Sam (cont.): And I’m not your boyfriend.

[Sam closes his locker and walks away from Quinn. Quinn follows him.]

Quinn: Wait, why?

Sam: Because you can’t look me in the eye right now and tell me that you didn’t make out with Finn.

Quinn: (seeming lost of words) I wanna be with you Sam.

Sam: Forget it, okay. No harm, no foul. Oel ngati kameie. Crap! Santana told me to stop talking Na’vi.

Quinn: Since when is Santana telling you what to do?

Sam: (a small smile creeps on his face) Since we started goin’ out.

[Sam gives Quinn another smile and wanders away, leaving Quinn looking devastated in the middle of the hallway.]

BELL RINGS

INT. GLEE CHOIR ROOM

[Santana and Sam are sitting next to each other. Santana is halfway onto Sam’s lap; she’s running her fingers through his hair.]

Mercedes: (to Tina, referring to Sam and Santana) When did that happen?

[Quinn is looks down at the new couple.]

Will: All right. I hate to say it. But we all owe Sue a big thank you. She may hate us but she did give us a kick butt song for Regionals.

[Everyone but Quinn claps and agrees.]

Will (cont.): That’s right.

[Will claps along. Rachel raises her hand and stands up.]

Rachel: Mister Schuester, I think our admiration for Coach Sylvester might just be a little premature. While I love My Chemical Romance and I think we all kicked butt on that number…

[Tina and Mercedes make disapproving faces as Rachel begins one of her speeches.]

Rachel (cont.): As our team leader and arbiter of all that is good, I-I have to say that I don’t think that song is good enough for Regionals.

[Finn looks confused and looks up at Rachel.]

Rachel (cont.): The Warblers have Kurt and Blaine as their, like, one-two punch, and Oral Intensity kicked our butt last year. We can’t just do any song to beat either of those teams.

Mercedes: You mean a number where you don’t get to sing the entire song.

Rachel: Guys… this, this isn’t about me.

Will: What do you suggest Rachel?

Rachel: We need to be bold and-and epic. We need to write our own original music for Regionals. We need an undisputable advantage.

Santana: Ugh, check out dwarf Diane Warren.

[Rachel drops her shoulders.]

Rachel: We can’t loose Regionals again this year, you guys. You have to trust me. I feel really, really strongly about this.

Will: Let’s put it to a vote, okay Rachel?

[Rachel smiles and nods.]

Will (cont.): All those in favor of doing an original song…

[Rachel quickly raises her hand and looks at everyone else expectantly. No one raises their hand.]

Will (cont.): My Chemical Romance?

[Everyone but Rachel raises their hand. Will clasps his hands together and shrugs at Rachel, who sinks down to her seat.]

BELL RINGS

[Everyone gets up and makes their way to the door. Sue strolls in.]

Sue: Hey there Buddy.

Will: Sue! (laughs) You know, I have to be honest, we missed you in here today. Oddly, you’re, uh, kind of a fun addition.

[Sue picks up some sheet music from the piano.]

Sue: Oh, well, Charles Manson would have been a fun addition to your pack of losers.

Will: Well, looks like you’re back to your old self.

[Sue throws the sheet music back on the piano.]

Sue: Huh, hardly. I’m on my way to becoming someone much better. And you’ve inspired me Will. You made me realize I have more to offer the world than coming up with spectacular, life threatening cheerleading tumbles. I got the music in me.

Will: Sue, that is great. I mean, with that attitude, you can come in here anytime.

Sue: Oh, I couldn’t do that. It’d be spying on the competition.

Will: What?

Sue: No one told you? I got a part-time gig. Yeah, I’m the new coach for Oral Intensity.

Will: (gulps, looking nervous) That’s impossible.

Sue: Oh, nothing’s impossible, Will, with a positive attitude. You taught me that. Aah, isn’t it great? Jeez, I got mah mojo back…

[Sue looks at the sheet music on the piano top.]

Sue (cont.): Still get to dedicate my life to destroying yours.

[Will pulls the sheet music away from Sue’s devious eyes.]

Sue (cont.): Life’s good. (turns to leave) See you at Regionals.

[Before Sue exits s the room, she flicks all the lights off, leaving Will alone in the dark. He brushes the sheet music off the piano to the floor, clearly upset.]

BELL RINGS

INT. MCKINLEY HALLWAY

[Finn is walking down the hallway towards Rachel, who shuts her locker and meets Finn in the middle of the hallway.]

Rachel: (hands on her hips) You must be happy.

Finn: And why’s that?

Rachel: Quinn’s back on the market. She should be easy pickings after what Sam’s done to her.

Finn: I don’t want to talk about Quinn. I want to talk about you. You were right in there, today, about not being good enough to win. We need to write our own songs.

Rachel: Why didn’t you say that when I needed you?

Finn: It wouldn’t have made a difference. The only way to prove it to those guys is to write a great song and shove it down their throats.

Rachel: What, do you think that you and I should do it together?

Finn: No… I think that you should do it yourself. Let’s face it. You’re the real trendsetter in there and if someone was going to write a song to win Regionals, it would be you.

Rachel: (touched by what Finn told her) You really believe in me that much?

Finn: (nods) More.

[Finn smiles, placing a hand on her shoulder as he walks away, but stops after a couple of steps.]

Finn: You know, I really liked the Rachel that I saw in there today – reminded me of the old you.

[Rachel looks down.]

Finn (cont.): Focused and take no prisoners.

[Rachel looks up as Finn walks away.]

Finn: I think she may be making a comeback.

[Camera zooms in as Rachel smiles at all that Finn said to her.]

BELL RINGS

2x12 - Silly Love Songs

Wed, 23 Nov 2011 15:10:19 -0500

2x11 - The Sue Sylvester Shuffle

Wed, 23 Nov 2011 15:10:08 -0500

2x10 - A Very Glee Christmas

Wed, 23 Nov 2011 15:09:38 -0500

2x09 - Special Education

Wed, 23 Nov 2011 15:09:00 -0500

Air Date: November 30, 2010

Written By: Brad Falchuk
Directed By: Paris Barclay
Transcribed By: lopezabrams

Featured Music:

Don’t Cry for Me Argentina, from Evita
Mike + The Mechanics - The Living Years
Train - Hey, Soul Sister
(I’ve Had) The Time of My Life, from Dirty Dancing
Amy Winehouse - Valerie
Florence and the Machine - Dog Days Are Over

—

[OPEN: INT. TEACHER’S LOUNGE. EMMA sits at a table. WILL places two tickets to Sectionals on in front of her]

EMMA: House seats to Sectionals?

WILL: Those things are hard to come by. Scalpers are getting like, five bucks for ‘em. I, however, as coach of one of the competing teams, get two, and I would be honoured if you would be my plus one. I mean, you being at Sectionals is kind of a good luck charm for us.

EMMA: I would love to.

WILL: I mean not that we’re gonna need any talismans. I have a killer set list planned. First-

EMMA: Hm, lemme guess. Finn and Rachel are gonna do a ballad, right? Followed by the kids joining in with a classic rock number, where Mercedes will belt out the last jaw-dropping note.

WILL: H-Have you been going through my desk?

EMMA: It’s what you always do.

WILL: Every team tries to showcase their strongest players

EMMA: Look, just seeing your kids do their Rocky Horror thing; it really reminded me of how much talent you’ve got in Glee Club. Quinn has a beautiful voice, and Mike Chang has dance moves that are to die for. Look, I’m sure that you know what you’re doing, I’m not saying that. Everyone has picked you as favourites for Sectionals; you won your Sectional last year. It’s just, I don’t know, you guys used to be the underdogs, now you’re a real team which is wonderful. You’re a constellation of stars. I would just hate to think that you might be ignoring some of them, because they don’t burn quite as obviously bright.

[WILL looks away thoughtfully.]

EMMA: I’ve said too much.

WILL: No, you said just enough.

[CUT TO: INT. CHOIR ROOM. WILL enters. RACHEL stands up.]

RACHEL: Mr. Schuester, I have an announcement. I’ve selected the perfect moving ballad for Finn and I to sing to launch our performance at Sectionals.

WILL: Me first. Two things. First, our competition at Sectionals are your classic stool choirs. Great voices, but they don’t move. Now if we’re gonna beat them, we need to do what they can’t. Dance. Which is why I’ve decided to feature Brittany and Mike Chang’s sweet moves in our performance.

RACHEL: Wait, they’re gonna dance in front of me while I sing my solo?

WILL: You’re not getting a solo for this competition Rachel.

MERCEDES: Finally! So what song do I get to sing?

WILL: I was thinking that the winners of our duets competition would take the leads.

RACHEL: Ken and Barbie?! Wait a-a-are are you trying to throw this?

QUINN: You used to be just sort of unlikeable, but now, I pretty much feel like punching you every time you open your mouth

WILL: Okay, listen, I have talked the talk about everyone in here feeling special for over a year now, but frankly I haven’t walked the walk. I mean, we have got a lot of talent here, and I’m gonna highlight it.

RACHEL: (whispers to FINN) Do something!

FINN: Look, I’m all for… pumping up the team, making everyone feel special, but that’s for practice. You don’t take the star quarterback out before the big game.

RACHEL: Yeah.

TINA: Easy to say when you’re the star quarterback

FINN: This isn’t just about me, this is about the team.

SANTANA: You are such a hypocrite.

RACHEL: Oh, like you even know what that means.

SANTANA: It means that your boyfriend is full of crap, hobbit!

RACHEL: You know what? Ever since the wedding you’ve been up my butt and I am sick of it!

FINN: C’mon Rachel, she’s not worth it.

SANTANA: Oh really? Cuz that’s not what you thought last year in that motel room. (to RACHEL) That’s right Yentl, your sweetheart? He’s been lying to you, cuz he and I totally got it on last year.

WILL: Okay enough already! No more conversations about this, or-or anything! This is our plan for Sectionals, and that is that. Mike, Brittany, c’mon up, let’s start choreographing.

[TITLE CREDITS]

[Close up of KURT fixing the tie on his DALTON ACADEMY uniform]

[CUT TO: INT. DALTON ACADEMY hallway. KURT is walking happily through a hallway filled with other students and high fives a fellow classmate. Instrumentals are playing in the background.]

WES VOICEOVER: And now let’s welcome the newest addition to the Warblers, Kurt Hummel.

[CUT TO: INT. DALTON ACADEMY WARBLERS common room. The Warblers are all sitting around waiting for the meeting to start. KURT enters. Applause.]

WES: And our oldest tradition for our newest Warbler, an actual Warbler

BLAINE: Kurt, meet Pavarotti.

[Camera pans to birdcage]

WES: This bird is a member of an unbroken line of canaries who have been at Dalton since 1891. It’s your job to take of him so he can live to carry on the Warbler legacy. Protect him, that bird is your voice.

[BLAINE hands birdcage to KURT]

KURT: (chuckling) Hey I’ll bring him to work with me. Weekends I volunteer at a stray cat rescue. [laughs]. It’s at the bottom of a coal mine.

[WARBLERS look grim and don’t laugh at his joke.]

KURT: That was a joke, I-I don’t work at a coal mine

[WES bangs his gavel]

WES: Let the council come to order. Today we discuss the set list for Sectionals

KURT: Council?

BLAINE: We don’t have a director. Every year we elect three upperclassmen to lead the group. But don’t worry, we all get a say.

KURT: Oh fantastic! I have a lot of ideas. Warblers, if I may? Now I can’t deny that the Warblers vocals are absolutely dreamy, but I believe our set for Sectionals this year should have a little more showbiz panache. I think we should open with Rio by Duran Duran.

DAVID: The council is responsible for song selection.

WES: But we appreciate your enthusiasm Kurt.

[KURT’s face falls]

WES: It’ll come in handy one day when you’re sitting behind this desk.

[BLAINE notices KURT’s disappointment]

WES: Now, I propose we do our entire set at sectionals in eight part harmony.

[CUT TO: INT EMMA’s OFFICE. FINN and RACHEL are sitting side by side.]

RACHEL: Just tell me if it’s true.

FINN: (sighs) I’m sorry, okay, I shouldn’t have lied to you, I just thought that if I told you the truth, you’d get so mad at me..and, you’re kind of scary

RACHEL: Don’t you see how it’s ten times worse now? Why her? I mean Quinn I’d understand, but her? Do you think she’s prettier than me?

EMMA: Don’t answer that!

RACHEL: My dad’s went to couple’s counselling because one of them put up wallpaper in the den without asking the other and they said it was the only thing that kept them from killing each other.

EMMA: Okay

RACHEL: I need your help, that’s why I set up this counselling session.

EMMA: You’re both in Glee (looking hopeful). Why don’t you sing about it. Right? Aren’t there some great songs about betrayal, or something, I’m pretty sure there’s some Eagles songs.

[FINN and RACHEL look discouraged and turned off by the idea]

EMMA: Right, let’s do plan B. We’ll start with you Finn. Why did you lie to Rachel?

FINN: I didn’t wanna hurt her.

RACHEL: Then why did you do it with her?

FINN: Why are you so caught up with who it was? It doesn’t-

RACHEL: Is it because she’s hot?

FINN: Yeah, sure she’s super hot but I’m- that’s-

[EMMA bites her lip and shakes her indicating for Finn to shut up]

RACHEL: (distraught) As a therapist, is it productive for me to slap him right now?

EMMA: Well I’m not a therapist, but no. Um, maybe you storm out?

[RACHEL storms out, but not before she and FINN share an angry and confused glance.]

EMMA: Is there anything else you wanna talk about?

[CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY. ARTIE wheeling himself down the hall when he notices BRITTANY standing in the corner of an empty classroom, facing the wall. ARTIE looks around and then wheels himself in.]

ARTIE: What are you doing? We’ve been looking for you all day.

BRITTANY: I’m paralyzed with fear. I’ve been here since second period. I really, really have to pee.

ARTIE: What are you afraid of? You’re gonna be featured at Sectionals. You should be happy.

BRITTANY: I can’t handle the pressure. I know I’m more talented than all of you. Brittany Spears taught me that. It’s just, I can’t have whether we win or lose on my shoulders.

ARTIE: But- but we all know you can do it.

BRITTANY: But I know that I can’t. Just like I know that cricket that reads to me at night is totally stealing my jewellery.

ARTIE: (pondering) It’s really too bad, I can’t give you my magic comb.

BRITTANY: What’s a magic comb?

ARTIE: You’ve never heard of a magic comb?

[BRITTANY shakes her head]

ARTIE: You comb your hair with it and you can’t lose. I mean I’d give you mine but I need it. Wait, since you’re going to dance the lead at Sectionals, if you win, I win.

BRITTANY: Please can I have the magic comb

[ARTIE pulls a comb out of his pocket and hands it to BRITTANY.]

BRITTANY: Artie, thank you so much. You really are the best boyfriend ever.

[BRITTANY kisses ARTIE on the cheek. ARTIE takes BRITTANY’s hands into his.]

ARTIE: We’re gonna win this thing, because of you.

[CUT TO: INT WILL’s office. WILL and PUCK are sitting in chairs beside each other.]

PUCK: All I can say is I didn’t steal that soda machine, and if I did, I wasn’t alone.

WILL: Okay I’m gonna pretend that I didn’t hear that because if I did, I’d be down to ten glee club members, which as you probably remember from the rulebook is two less than what we need to compete at Sectionals.

PUCK: I’m not big on reading rulebooks. Well, I’m not big on reading.

WILL: Kurt’s gone, and he’s not coming back. We need a twelfth member. Now I always go to Rachel and Finn in these situations, but you might be the most well known kid in this entire school.

PUCK: There’s a method to my madness.

WILL: I want you to use that madness to recruit a new member. Glee needs you to be its ambassador.

PUCK: More like it’s ambadassador. But what’s in it for me?

WILL: You love the Glee Club. We get a new member, and we win? You get to keep doing what you love.

PUCK: You can count on me Mr. Schue.

[WILL and PUCK bump fists.]

[CUT TO: DALTON ACADEMY STAIRCASE. KURT is walking down the stairs, followed by BLAINE.]

BLAINE: Hey, Kurt, wait up! I saw that Glee Club was hard for you today, seeing your idea shot down like that.

KURT: It’s just a different energy in there. Not better or worse, just something I’ll have to get used to.

BLAINE: We recognize that and we have a tradition at this school of rewarding a student with a good attitude, so we’d like to invite you to audition for a solo.

KURT: For sectionals?

BLAINE: For sectionals. Sing something good.

[KURT looks overjoyed.]

[CUT TO: INT MCKINLEY HIGH BOYS LOCKER ROOM. PUCK stands on the bench.]

PUCK: Alright listen up!

AZIMIO: You gonna light your farts on fire again? Because I am a major fan!

PUCK: I wanna talk to you guys, about Bruce Springsteen.

KAROFSKY: Is this going somewhere?

PUCK: Don’t push me Karofsky! You forced my boy Kurt out of here and juvie or no, you’re already number one on my list to go all death star on. Anyways, so Bruce is destined to go blue collar his whole life, but instead he goes and buys and old strap from a pawn shop and just starts wailing on it. He starts putting all the pain and the promises and the dreams into that music, and the next thing he knows he’s on the cover of Time and News Week in the same week.

[Football team looks unimpressed]

PUCK: Those are magazines.

AZIMIO: Not to seem redundant, but is this going somewhere?

PUCK: Glee Club dudes. It’s time to join up

AZIMIO: Sign up for glee club?! Why don’t you come to my church on Sunday and get some of my cousins to sign up for the Klan.

[Laughter from the team]

PUCK: Glee Club is cool.

KAROFSKY: Glee Club is most definitely not cool.

AZIMIO: Clearly we need to reinstate the 10 AM slushie.

KAROFSKY: Hm, I say we make an example of him.

AZIMIO: I say you’re right. [cracks knuckles]

[Football team picks up Puck]

PUCK: AHH! Not that face! Not the face!

[CUT TO: INT CHOIR ROOM. WILL walks in.]

SANTANA: Where’s Puck? I haven’t seen him since yesterday and I need him to get me a churro.

MERCEDES: My guess is he’d rather quit Glee Club than lose Sectionals and I can’t blame him. Our set’s gon’ be real light on the Mercedes.

[WILL is seemingly annoyed while overhearing the girls’ conversation]

TINA: I’m telling you, if the Warblers win Sectionals, it’s only because we gave them Kurt. We should not clap

BRITTANY: If we lose, we should throw possums.

[RACHEL walks in with her arms crossed and duct tape on her mouth]

WILL: Rachel, what are you doing?

[RACHEL peels off the duct tape]

RACHEL: I’m not doing anything. You’ve silenced my talents, I’m merely protesting. [reapplies tape, then pulls it off again.] My talents are wasted in this club. My star shines too bright and I think you’re threatened by it.

[WILL slams his papers onto the piano in frustration.]

WILL: Take that off! I’m tired of this Rachel! You have a terrible attitude, you’re a lousy sport, and it is not okay anymore!

RACHEL: (standing up) Well I’m upset! I’m furious about this, about a couple of things actually! (glances at FINN)

WILL: I’m sorry you’re disappointed, but you know, you could also make the choice to be happy, that we’re a part of a glee club that is bursting at the seams with talent. There’s an awful lot of ‘me’ talk going around. ‘What’s in it for me?’ ‘What solo am I gonna sing?’ Now, when we go to Sectionals, we’re gonna be good sports. We’ll cheer on the Hipsters, we’ll cheer on Kurt and the Warblers, and if they win we will congratulate them, because that’s who we are.

ARTIE: (to PUCK) Dude, where have you been?

[PUCK walks in, looking disheveled, accompanied by LAUREN ZIZES]

LAUREN: I found him in a porta potty.

[SANTANA looks bewildered.]

[FLASHBACK: INT. FOOTBALL team is locking PUCK into a porta potty.]

PUCK: (voiceover) I was tryna find Kurt’s replacement for Sectionals.

[FOOTBALL team tips over the porta potty and PUCK is show falling down inside.]

PUCK: (voiceover) I was trapped in that porta potty for twenty four hours.

[FLASHBACK PUCK is groaning and banging on the walls of the porta potty.]

PUCK: Buddha! Allah! Satan! Help me!

[LAUREN opens the porta potty door and finds PUCK looking helpless.]

PUCK: Are you an angel?

LAUREN: Screw you.

[LAUREN reaches out her hand and PUCK takes it. She helps him out of the porta potty.]

PUCK: (voiceover) So I asked her if she wanted to join.

[CUT to PUCK and LAUREN walking down the school hallway.]

LAUREN: Here are my conditions. A carton of Cadbury eggs, good luck finding them, they’re not in season, and I want seven minutes in heaven, with you.

[CUT back to CHOIR ROOM]

PUCK: I have to say, she kinda rocked my world.

WILL: Okay guys, um, well, looks like we’re back in business. Let’s all welcome our newest member, Ms. Lauren Zizes!

[GLEE CLUB claps]

WILL: Puck, nice work.

[WILL and PUCK shake hands]

WILL: We owe you one.

[CUT to hallway. SANTANA walks by Finn at his locker and seductively blows a kiss. SANTANA approaches RACHEL at the end of the hallway.]

SANTANA: Did I tell you he bought me dinner after? [SANTANA walks away leaving RACHEL looking deeply troubled. PUCK walks up behind RACHEL and places a hand on her shoulder.]

PUCK: You okay?

RACHEL: Why are you talking to me? Are you going to steal something from me?

PUCK: Look, after 6 hours in that porta-john, Ozzie himself would have turned to God. I prayed. I promised him that if He got me out of there I’d start being nicer to people. Then I realized there was no way I could do that so I change it, to just Jews.

RACHEL: It’s Finn

PUCK: Boyfriend troubles. I got that covered. Considering I’m usually the cause of them, I’d say I’m an expert. Walk with me.

[PUCK and RACHEL loops arms and walk down the hallway together. RACHEL touches his bicep.]

RACHEL: Have you been working out? Your arms seem bigger

PUCK: It’s the steroids

[CUT to TINA walking down the hallway towards ARTIE in a goth cheerleading uniform]

TINA: We have a big problem

ARTIE: Is the problem your outfit? Because you look like a cheerleader zombie corpse.

TINA: I have no choice, Mike Chang likes cheerleaders. You of all people should know. He’s having an affair with Brittany.

ARTIE: What?! You crazy.

TINA: You haven’t noticed her ignoring you lately?

ARTIE: Not really, it’s shark week.

TINA: They’re inseparable!

ARTIE: They’re doing a number together at Sectionals. They’ve been rehearsing

TINA: Really? Just rehearsing? Exhibit A, I kissed him and it tasted like Lip Smackers. Do you know who wears Lip Smackers? Brittany.

ARTIE: And she doesn’t mind sharing. I love borrowing her Lip Smackers. It’s like candy for your lips.

TINA: Don’t be naïve Artie. She’s a cheerleader, he’s a football player. You and I never had a chance at either of them.

[ARTIE frowns as TINA walks away.]

[CUT to AUDITORIUM where Rachel is solemnly playing the piano. She looks up as KURT walks in.]

KURT: Hey Rachel! I’ve been looking for you.

RACHEL: No don’t bother spying on me to get a leg up because the only solos that I’m getting for Sectionals are in my mind.

KURT: Actually I was hoping you could help me. I’ve been sitting in my car for over an hour waiting for Karofsky to make a Mickie D’s run. I’ve been invited to audition for a solo.

RACHEL: Why should I help you, I mean you’re our competition now.

KURT: Because even though we hate each other, we’ve had our moments. And I could use your expertise. And no one knows how to kill a ballad quite like you. You are as brilliant and talented as you are irritating.

RACHEL: Considering that this might be my only chance to sing for a little while, I’ll give you a couple tips. So what did you have in mind?

KURT: I’ve settled on Celine Dion’s classic, My Heart Will Go On.

RACHEL: Oh no, no no no

KURT: No?

RACHEL: Listen, you need something much more personal than that. I mean, this is about you. Do you ever fantasize about your own funeral?

KURT: No…

RACHEL: I do. Finn throwing himself into the grave out of grief and all of the heartfelt speeches and the regrets!

KURT: That’s insane.

RACHEL: Clearly no one in the Glee club appreciates me so is it so wrong for me to fantasize about them finally realizing how amazing I am, but it being too late?! And there’s only one song that expresses those feelings. [RACHEL walks around the piano and picks up the CD player and KURT brought with him.] I’m sure that it’s in here somewhere [RACHEL presses a button.]

KURT: Oh.

[KURT and RACHEL launch into a duet of Don’t Cry For Me Argentina. Camera cuts to Kurt also singing this song for his Warbler audition.]

[Song ends and camera cuts to a waiting room with KURT and two other Warblers who auditioned, NICK and JEFF.]

KURT: So how many times have you guys auditioned?

NICK: Three

JEFF: Six.

[KURT lets out a low whistle.]

[BLAINE walks in.]

BLAINE: Hey guys. Nick, Jeff, congrats your moving on.

[NICK and JEFF stand up in celebration and hug each other. They leave the room together leaving KURT and BLAINE alone.]

KURT: Any sage advice?

BLAINE: Don’t try so hard next time.

KURT: I didn’t realize that caring was frowned upon.

BLAINE: I don’t know how it worked at your old school, but did you notice that we all wear uniforms around here? It’s about being part of the team.

KURT: I guess I’m just used to having to scream to get noticed.

BLAINE: You’re not gonna make it as a Warbler if all you care about is getting noticed.

KURT: You’re right. I’m sorry.

BLAINE: I know it’s gonna take some getting used to but you’ll fit in soon enough. I promise. [KURT smiles sadly.]

[CUT to ARTIE rolling down the MCKINLEY HIGH hallway towards BRITTANY at her locker.]

ARTIE: How’s the number for Sectionals coming?

BRITTANY [avoiding eye contact]: Hi…um, yeah it’s good [BRITTANY walks away quickly.]

ARTIE: Wait! Do you maybe wanna see a movie tonight?

BRITTANY: Uh I can’t, I have rehearsal with Mike. [continues walking away.]

ARTIE: Well, how about a latte tomorrow morning?

BRITTANY: Artie I can’t, and I can’t talk right now either, I have to go rehearse. I’m really really sorry. [BRITTANY walks off leaving ARTIE looking after her sadly.]

[CUT to school parking lot where the NEW DIRECTIONS are getting onto the bus to Sectionals. WILL and EMMA walk up to each other.]

EMMA: Hey, something wrong?

WILL: I’m beginning to think my new directions for the New Directions was a terrible idea.

EMMA: Oh no.

WILL: We’re off to Sectionals and I’ve, I’ve never seen the kids so out of sync. You look great though, ready to go?

EMMA: I can’t.

WILL: Why?

EMMA: I didn’t tell Carl I was going with you. Ever since Rocky Horror, he’s had some issues with you, you know with us spending time together. Actually, it was counselling Finn and Rachel that made me realize that, sometimes the withholding of the truth can make someone feel as bad as lying. So I told him the truth last night, and we had a big fight, and we made up, and he told me that he loved me, and then I told him that I love him back.

WILL [takes a breath]: Well, we’re gonna miss our good luck charm. [WILL and EMMA smile sadly at each other. RACHEL pokes her head out of the bus.]

RACHEL: Mr. Shuester? Not that I really care but if we don’t leave now, we’re gonna miss the competition.

[WILL turns back to EMMA.]

EMMA: Good luck.

WILL: Thanks

[EMMA kisses him on the cheek and they part ways.]

[CUT to RACHEL yelling at some official at the Sectionals competition.]

RACHEL: Then go down to 7-11 get some. I need raisonettes!

KURT: Carb loading?

RACHEL: Puck got Lauren Zizes to take your place and she won’t go on unless she gets her damn candy! She’s a warm body. Hey did you uh, get your solo?

KURT: Sadly no.

RACHEL: Oh wow, if you didn’t get a solo then they must be really good. We are doomed. Sorry that was selfish. What I meant to say was, wow that really sucks, I’m sure you were really good.

KURT: I was. I mean, I think I was. Being in the Warblers has really made me question everything I thought about myself.

RACHEL [shaking her head]: Yeah… what has become of us Kurt? [They sit down together.]

RACHEL: So, do you miss us?

KURT [smiling]: I do. Being a Warbler is great but I don’t think they appreciate my individuality as much as you guys did. And I can’t help but think that I let you guys down.

RACHEL: It’s your life Kurt. You weren’t safe at McKinley anymore and we all get it.

KURT [smiling]: How come you were never this nice to me when I was your teammate?

RACHEL: Because you were my only real competition.

KURT: True. [They both laugh and hug each other.] So how’s Finn? I feel bad, I haven’t spoken to him since the wedding.

RACHEL: I, uh, haven’t really talked to him much either. I found out he and Santana were romantically involved and he lied to me about it

[BELLS ring signalling the start of the competition.]

KURT: Wait, you didn’t know about that?

[BLAINE walks in.]

BLAINE: Kurt, they’re calling places. [to RACHEL] Hey.

KURT: Thanks again, Rachel. [KURT and BLAINE walk off.]

[CUT to The Hipsters singing The Living Years. Performance ends and everyone claps.]

ANNOUNCER: And now, for our second performance of the program, from Dalton Academy is Westervale, the Warblers!

[CUT to WARBLERS singing Hey, Soul Sister. Performance ends and everyone claps.]

[CUT to backstage in the New Directions green room.]

LAUREN: These costumes are causing some unmentionable chaffing.

SAM [to a distraught looking QUINN]: You okay?

QUINN: No, I’m totally freaking out. Last time we performed in front of an audience I went into labour. I think I’m having post-traumatic stress disorder

MERCEDES: FYI I’m totally available to fill in.

ARTIE [to BRITTANY]: Nowhere to run, from me, or your lies. I hope they judge us on dancing and adultery because your aces at both of them

BRITTANY: I don’t understand how you found out. I am so stupid, I can’t believe I did it, I’m, I’ve never felt more awful about anything in my life.

[ARTIE rolls away with a scowl on his face.]

MIKE [to TINA]: What’s Artie all worked up about?

TINA: You are such a jerk!

[RACHEL storms in angrily and approaches FINN.]

RACHEL: You told Kurt?!

FINN: I don’t remember, maybe

MERCEDES: About Finn and Santana? No I think I told him

RACHEL [to QUINN]: Who told you?

QUINN: Me? I think Brittany told me. Over maybe it was Puck

PUCK: Yeah it was me

RACHEL: Everybody knew about this but me?!

TINA: Pretty much

SANTANA: Nobody tells you anything because, A, you’re a blabbermouth, and B, we just pretend to like you

PUCK: That’s not true, I kinda like her.

FINN: Look, Rachel, when this all happened, you were dating another guy. So you don’t really have a right to be pissed at me about it okay? And fine, I shouldn’t have lied about it but, to be honest, that isn’t what you care about. You care about the Santana of it all.

[SANTANA raises her hand in agreement.]

RACHEL: Oh who are you right now

LAUREN: Best green room ever.

RACHEL: You know what? You guys are gonna have to find someone else to mindlessly harmonize in the background because I’m not going on stage with him! [points at FINN.]

[WILL walks in.]

ARTIE: Make that two subs. I’m not going out there with Brittany.

TINA: Me either!

WILL: Enough! Listen to yourselves! I am ashamed of you. Think back to where you were this time last year. In this room, no set list, no choreography, no chance in Hell of winning. But you did win, because you did it together. Look, I don’t care if you guys hate each other, all I want is for you guys to go out there, and sing together. Get up there, and for six minutes remind yourselves that you’re not alone.

[Bells go off signalling the New Directions need to go to stage.]

WILL: Alright! Show time!

[CUT to BRITTANY backstage, poking her head through the curtains, nervously glancing at the audience. Next shot, she is sitting down stretching. ARTIE rolls up to her.]

ARTIE: Just tell me why you would cheat on me

BRITTANY: I don’t know, why would I cheat on you? Is this like a mad lib or something?

ARTIE: You cheated on me with Mike, you admitted it to me in the green room.

BRITTANY: When?

ARTIE: When I was accusing you of adultery.

BRITTANY: What does that have to do with me cheating?

ARTIE: Adultery means cheating.

BRITTANY: I thought it meant being stupid. Like being a dolt. I didn’t cheat on you. I did something much worse. [She gets up and kneels in front of ARTIE.] I lost your magic comb. I don’t know what happened, I had it in my pocket, and then I went to motocross practice, and then when I left it was gone. That’s why I’ve been avoiding you, I was so ashamed. That magic comb was our only chance of winning, the only thing keeping me from totally screwing it up. I didn’t wanna let you down Artie.

ARTIE: That wasn’t a magic comb, I just found it on the floor and ran into you on the way to tossing it in the trash.

BRITTANY: And you let me comb my hair with it?

ARTIE: You don’t need a magic comb, you’re magic Brittany. The way you move and I just should have told you that in the first place and I’m sorry.

[BRITTANY leans up to kiss ARTIE.]

BRITTANY: When I’m out there dancing today, it won’t be for the team, or for the crowd. It’ll be for you. [They smile at each other lovingly.]

(CUT to LAUREN doing push ups while PUCK watches.]

PUCK: What are you doing?

LAUREN: I’m a wrestler. This is how I get psyched up for competition.

PUCK: Listen, you don’t have to be nervous. You saved my life. I got your back.

LAUREN: I’m not nervous. You know why?

PUCK: Why?

LAUREN: Because show choir’s stupid. [She walks away leaving PUCK looking upset.]

ANNOUNCER: And now, for our final performance of the program, McKinley High’s, the New Directions!

[CUT to SAM and QUINN standing behind the curtain getting ready to perform. SAM is smiling at QUINN with adoration.]

QUINN: What?

SAM: You look beautiful. [QUINN places her hand on his cheek.]

[The music starts playing and SAM and QUINN enter the auditorium from the back and start singing (I’ve Had) The Time Of My Life. They make their way to the stage where they are joined by their teammates.]

[The song ends and SANTANA starts to sing Valerie. She finishes and the crowd goes crazy.]

[CUT to all three choir groups standing on stage awaiting the judges decision.]

ANNOUNCER: And now, this year’s head judge, associate director of the Ohio Department of Motor Vehicles, Mister Pete Sznowski

PETE: Thank you, and thank you to all the groups who performed here today, we all had a serious, good time. You know what else, is a serious good time? Taking two minutes to save a life by filling out an organ donor card, because it’s never too late, to donate. Drumroll please. In third place, the Hipsters! [the group leader comes up to accept the award and shake PETE’s hand.] Thank you, drive carefully. And now, the winner of this year’s west central Sectionals is… it’s a tie. Congratulations! You’re all going to the Regionals!

[There’s a loud applause and BLAINE walks up to WILL to shake hands.]

BLAINE: Congratulations

WILL: Hey, nice work, see you at Regionals. [Everyone is cheering.]

[RACHEL and FINN hug.]

FINN: We get to go on

[RACHEL looks mildly upset and nervous.]

RACHEL: Yeah.

[CUT to EMMA’s office where WILL places the trophy in front of her.]

WILL: Hey!

EMMA: Hi [she clears her throat and fixes her hair.]

WILL: You okay?

EMMA: Is that it? Is that the trophy?

WILL: Yeah this is it, yeah!

EMMA: Wow

WILL: We won!

EMMA: I know, I heard. It’s exciting, congratulations.

WILL: Thanks

EMMA: I wanted to call you but I uh…

WILL: Emma, it’s cool.

EMMA: Guess you didn’t need your good luck charm after all.

WILL: You were missed.

EMMA: I need to tell you about my weekend.

WILL: I think I’d rather not hear all the details.

EMMA: Carl took me to Vegas.

WILL: Why are you telling me this?

[EMMA raises her hand to show WILL the ring on her finger.]

WILL: Is- Is that an engagement ring?

EMMA: It’s a wedding ring, actually.

[EMMA smiles awkwardly but WILL looks troubled.]

WILL: I- I’m happy for you.

EMMA: Will, I-

WILL: Let’s just, leave it at that. [WILL picks up the trophy and walks out.]

[CUT to stairwell where FINN and RACHEL are walking down the stairs.]

RACHEL: When we first started Glee Club, I told Mr. Schuester that being a part of something special makes you special, and you know I just, I think I lost that somewhere along the way. But winning that way at Sectionals, it really reminded me of it.

[They stop and turn to face each other.]

FINN: Are we a part of something special? You and me? [RACHEL looks down.]

RACHEL: Yes.

FINN: I love you. [They hug.] No more lying. Ever.

RACHEL: There’s um, something that I need to tell you. [She walks FINN to a more deserted hallway.] Last week, when we were, when we were fighting, I was, I was so mad at you, and I was so hurt that I wanted to make you feel as bad as I felt.

[FLASHBACK to PUCK and RACHEL making out on her bed. PUCK pulls away.]

RACHEL: Is something wrong? Did I bite you again?

PUCK: I did this to Finn once before, I can’t do it again. I’m sorry I have to go.

[END FLASHBACK.]

RACHEL: I’m so sorry and i-it it will never ever happen again. [FINN is visibly upset.]

FINN: I knew you were a lot of thing Rachel, and I loved you because and in spite of all of them, but I never thought you were mean.

RACHEL: Saying that I’m sorry, and doesn’t what you did with Santana kinda cancel this out?

FINN: We weren’t together! I didn’t cheat on you! How could you do this to me?!

RACHEL: It was a mistake! Maybe we should go to another counselling session with Ms. Pillsbury

FINN: Can’t have couples counselling if you’re not a couple. [He turns around and starts walking away.]

RACHEL: You’re breaking up with me?

FINN: What you did was really bad Rachel! And you knew how sensitive I’d be about this after what happened with Quinn.

[RACHEL chases after him.]

RACHEL: You said you’d never break up with me!

[FINN stops and turns around.]

FINN: I never thought you’d make me feel like this. [He walks away leaving RACHEL crying in the hallway.]

[CUT to DALTON ACADEMY COMMON ROOM where KURT is sitting by Pavarotti’s cage. BLAINE walks in.]

BLAINE: I got your text, what’s wrong?

KURT: It’s Pavarotti, I think he’s sick. I’ve been taking good care of him, but he- he won’t sing, and he- he’s losing his feathers.

[BLAINE bends down to examine the bird in it’s cage.]

BLAINE: Oh, he’s just moulting. He’s growing a new coat of feathers so his body as to shut down a little. But don’t worry about it. He’s got food, water, seems to like his cage. Just give it a little while. He’ll be singing again in no time. [They smile at each other.] Don’t forget, Warbler practice tonight at 5. Regionals here we come! [BLAINE gets up to leave and KURT watches him go.]

[CUT to MCKINLEY CHOIR ROOM. TINA and MIKE walk in.]

MIKE: You changed your look!

[TINA looks down at her dress.]

TINA: Yeah, this is more me. Sorry I doubted you Mike.

MIKE: Asian kiss?

TINA [laughs]: Asian kiss

[They kiss. WILL walks in with the trophy.]

WILL: Congratulations guys! It wasn’t pretty but we’re moving on.

[Everyone is standing around the piano and begin cheering loudly.]

WILL: And I for one, am gonna be happy to have Regionals and Nationals to focus on.

SANTANA: Mr. Schue, we heard the news about Ms. Pillsbury marrying the finest dentist alive.

WILL: It’s alright, we don’t need to talk about it. Now, I know we’ve had our um, our dramas this week, but our family is back in a happy place, and I think we should celebrate, the best way we know how. Rachel, so how would you like to solo?

RACHEL: Thanks but um, I don’t really feel like a solo right now. I’d like to defer it to this weeks two unsung heroes, Mercedes and Tina.

MERCEDES: Well, don’t have to ask me twice.

[CUT to AUDITORIUM where TINA and MERCEDES start singing Dog Days Are Over while the New Directions dance around happily in the background and sing backup. Throughout the song, there are various cuts to EMMA with CARL, WILL looking sad, RACHEL taking FINN-related things out of her locker, and KURT at DALTON.]

[The performance ends in a large group hug between the New Directions.]