1x01 - Pilot
NOTE: The following is a transcription of the extended director’s cut from the S1 DVD, which includes several scenes not seen in the original aired version. There exists a third version of the pilot, the screener version, with even more scenes cut from the aired version. Those scenes are not in this transcript.
Air Date: May 19, 2009
Written By: Ryan Murphy, Brad Falchuk, Ian Brennan
Directed By: Ryan Murphy
Transcribed By: santana-lopez
- Where Is Love?, from Oliver!
- Aretha Franklin - Respect
- Mr. Cellophane, from Chicago
- Katy Perry - I Kissed a Girl
- On My Own, from Les Miserables
- Sit Down, You’re Rockin’ the Boat, from Guys and Dolls
- REO Speedwagon - Can’t Fight This Feeling
- Journey - Lovin’, Touchin’, Squeezin’
- You’re the One that I Want, from Grease
- Amy Winehouse - Rehab
- John Denver - Leaving on a Jet Plane
- Journey - Don’t Stop Believin’
Disclaimer: The characters, plotlines, quotes, etc. included here are owned by Ryan Murphy, all rights reserved. This transcript is not authorized or endorsed by Ryan Murphy or Fox.
[OPEN: EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY. The cheerleading squad, the Cheerios, are practicing routines. They are being watched and timed by SUE SYLVESTER, their coach. One of the cheerleaders falls from the top of the formation.]
SUE: You think this is hard? Try being waterboarded. That’s hard.
[CUT TO: EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY. WILL SCHUESTER drives in and parks his clunky car. He approaches a dumpster where a group of jocks including NOAH “PUCK” PUCKERMAN and FINN HUDSON are surrounding KURT HUMMEL.]
WILL: Making some new friends, Kurt?
PUCK: He sure is, Mr. Schue.
WILL: Hey, Finn, you still owe me that report on que hace el verano pasado.
WILL: “What you did last summer.”
FINN: Almost halfway done with almost all of it, Mr. Schue.
PUCK: It’s hammer time!
[PUCK and another jock pick KURT up.]
KURT: Please, this is from Marc Jacobs’ new collection!
[The jocks release KURT. He takes off his jacket and hands it to FINN.]
[PUCK and the other jock toss KURT into the dumpster. FINN appears troubled.]
[CUT TO: EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY. QUINN FABRAY jumps and performs a cheerleading pose in the air.]
[CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - DAY. WILL stands in front of a trophy display, admiring a first-place trophy that WMHS won at the 1993 Show Choir Championships. Next, he looks at a plaque awarded to LILIAN ADLER (1937-1997) with the quote “By its very definition, Glee is about opening yourself up to joy.”]
[CUT TO: INT. CLASSROOM - DAY. WILL is teaching a spanish class. FINN is in the class.]
WILL: Como esta usted? Yo me llamo Guillermo.
CLASS: (repeats, bored) Como esta usted? Yo me llamo Guillermo.
WILL: Que lastima, hojala que se sienta mejor.
CLASS: (repeats) Que lastima…
[CUT TO: EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY. Male cheerleader jumps and performs a cheerleading pose in the air.]
[CUT TO: INT. CHOIR ROOM - DAY. SANDY RYERSON and HANK SAUNDERS are singing “Where Is Love?” from Oliver! together. RACHEL BERRY is watching, upset.]
[CUT TO: INT. TEACHERS LOUNGE - DAY. WILL and KEN TANAKA are standing around a coffee maker without a coffee pot.]
WILL: Where’s the coffee pot?
KEN: Figgins got rid of it. Budget cuts. You know, I know for a fact that they are still getting hot java at Carver. We should strike.
[SUE enters with coffee drinks.]
SUE: Hello, boys. Who needs a pick-me-up?
KEN: Wow, lattes!
SUE: Yeah, I am a bit of a coffee snob. Now, the key to a perfect latte, is in the temperature of the steamed milk. I like mine scalding.
KEN: Hi, Emma.
EMMA: Hey, Ken. Will, hi.
EMMA: What’s with all the lattes?
SUE: Oh, Emma, I just felt so awful that Figgins cut the coffee budget to pay for a nutritionist for the Cheerios.
EMMA: Yeah, I heard you guys went, like, $600 over budget on that.
SUE: My performers didn’t get on Fox Sports Net last year because they ate at Bacon Junction.
EMMA: Since when are cheerleaders performers?
SUE: Your resentment is delicious. Well, I have a phoner in a couple of minutes. It’s an interview on the telephone with a major media outlet. I’ll probably do it on my iPhone. Enjoy.
WILL: Thanks a lot, Sue.
[SUE exits. KEN walks over and sits down across from EMMA.]
KEN: I missed you at the, uh, singles mixer last weekend, Emma.
EMMA: Yeah, I know. Big pipe exploded in my building. It was wild. I hate those mixer things though, I mean, it’s like a big meat market. It’s just, ugh. I did give my number to a fireman though. But he hasn’t called.
WILL: You know what, there’s someone out there for everyone. I wouldn’t even sweat it.
EMMA: Hey, did you hear that Sandy Ryerson got fired?
WILL: Really? Well, who’s going to take over Glee Club?
EMMA: Don’t know.
[CUT TO: INT. PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE - DAY. PRINCIPAL FIGGINS and WILL are seated across from each other.]
WILL: I’d like to take over Glee Club.
FIGGINS: You want to captain the Titanic, too?
WILL: I think I can make it great again. There is no joy in these kids. They feel invisible. That’s why every one of them has a MySpace page.
FIGGINS: 60 bucks a month. That’s what I need to keep this program up.
WILL: And you-you expect me to pay it?
FIGGINS: I’m certainly not going to pay for it. We’re not talking about Cheerios here, Will. They were on Fox Sports Net last year. When Glee Club starts bringing that kind of prestige to the school again, you can have all the money you want. Until then, 60 bucks a month. And you’ve got to use the costumes and props you already have. But we need the stools for wood shop.
[CUT TO: INT. WILL’S BEDROOM - NIGHT. TERRI SCHUESTER is asleep. WILL lies wide awake.]
WILL: (voice over) Hiding the $60 a month from my wife, Terri, was going to be hard. But I had a bigger problem. How was I going to get these kids motivated? One thing I knew for sure, we needed a new name.
[WILL sits up, excited.]
WILL: “New Directions!”
[CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - DAY. MERCEDES JONES walks up to the New Directions sign-up sheet and writes down her name.]
[CUT TO: INT. AUDITORIUM - DAY. MERCEDES is on stage.]
MERCEDES: My name is Mercedes Jones and I’m singing…
[MERCEDES sings Aretha Franklin’s “Respect”.]
[CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - DAY. KURT walks up to the sign-up sheet and writes down his name.]
[CUT TO: INT. AUDITORIUM - DAY. KURT is on stage.]
KURT: Hello, I’m Kurt Hummel, and I’ll be singing “Mr. Cellophane”.
[KURT sings “Mr. Cellophane” from Chicago.]
[CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - DAY. TINA COHEN-CHANG writes down her name on the sign-up sheet with ARTIE ABRAMS beside her.]
[CUT TO: INT. AUDITORIUM - DAY. TINA is on stage.]
TINA: (stuttering) Tina C. “I Kissed A Girl.”
[TINA sings Katy Perry’s “I KIssed A Girl”.]
[CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - DAY. RACHEL approaches the sign-up sheet and writes down her name.]
[CUT TO: INT. AUDITORIUM - DAY. RACHEL is on stage.]
RACHEL: Hi, my name is Rachel Berry, and I’ll be singing “On My Own” from the seminal Broadway classic Les Mis.
WILL: Fantastic, let’s hear it.
[RACHEL starts singing “On My Own” from Les Miserables.]
[CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - DAY. RACHEL applies a gold star sticker to the end of her name on the sign-up sheet.]
RACHEL: (voice over) You might laugh because every time I sign my name, I put a gold star after it. But it’s a metaphor and metaphors are important. My gold stars are a metaphor for me being a star.
[PUCK throws a slushie in RACHEL’s face.]
[CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - DAY. RACHEL is walking down the hallway in a rush.]
RACHEL: (voice over) And just so we’re clear, I want to clear up that hateful rumor that I was the one who turned that closet case Sandy Ryerson in because he gave Hank Saunders the solo I deserved. That’s cockpoopie.
[CUT TO: INT. PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE - DAY. RACHEL is crying to FIGGINS.]
RACHEL: He was touching Hank, caressing him. It was so wrong!
[FIGGINS hands her a tissue. RACHEL dabs at her cheeks, smiling.]
[CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - DAY. RACHEL is admiring a photo of two men on the door of her locker.]
RACHEL: (voice over) I am not homophobic. In fact, I have two gay dads. See, I was born out of love. My two dads screened potential surrogates based on beauty and IQ. Then they mixed their sperm together and used a turkey baster. To this day, we don’t know which one is my real dad, which I think is pretty amazing.
[CUT TO: INT. DANCE STUDIO - DAY. A young RACHEL dances wildly.]
RACHEL: (voice over) My dads spoiled me in the arts. I was given dance lessons, vocal lessons, anything to give me a competitive edge.
[CUT TO: INT. RACHEL’S BEDROOM - NIGHT. RACHEL is looking at her laptop.]
RACHEL: (voice over) You might think that all the boys in school would totally want to tap this, but my MySpace schedule keeps me way too busy to date.
[RACHEL sets up a video recorder on a tripod and starts to sing.]
RACHEL: (voice over) I try to post a MySpace video every day, just to keep my talent alive and growing. Nowadays, being anonymous is worse than being poor. Fame is the most important thing in our culture now. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that no one’s just gonna hand it to you.
[RACHEL uploads a video of her singing.]
[CUT TO: INT. GYMNASIUM - DAY. QUINN FABRAY, SANTANA LOPEZ, and other Cheerios are watching RACHEL’s video and laughing. QUINN writes a comment that says “If I were your parents, I would sell you back.” Another comment reads “I’m going to scratch out my eyes.” Another says “Please get sterilized.”]
[CUT TO: INT. RACHEL’S BEDROOM - NIGHT. RACHEL reads the comments.]
[CUT TO: INT. AUDITORIUM - DAY. RACHEL’s audition continues.]
WILL: Very nice, Rachel.
RACHEL: When do we start rehearsals?
[CUT TO: INT. CHOIR ROOM - DAY. RACHEL, TINA, MERCEDES, KURT, and ARTIE are rehearsing “Sit Down, You’re Rockin’ The Boat” from Guys and Dolls. WILL is directing. They are terrible.]
RACHEL: We suck.
WILL: Uh, it… It’ll get there. We-we just need to keep rehearsing.
RACHEL: Mr. Schuester, do you have any idea how ridiculous it is to give the lead solo in “Sit Down, You’re Rockin’ the Boat” to a boy in a wheelchair?
ARTIE: I think Mr. Schue is using irony to enhance the performance.
RACHEL: There is nothing ironic about show choir!
WILL: Rachel… Rachel!
[CUT TO: EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY. SUE is yelling at her Cheerios. RACHEL is watching from the bleachers.]
SUE: That’s sloppy! You’re sloppy babies! It’s just disgraceful! And I want the agony out of your eyes! Uh-uh, Lance, don’t you start crying! You are the weak link, pal! How’s it feel to be the weak link, huh?! That can’t feel very good!
[WILL enters. He sits down behind RACHEL on the bleachers.]
WILL: You changed out of your costume.
RACHEL: I’m tired of being laughed at.
WILL: You’re the best kid in there, Rachel. That comes with a price.
RACHEL: Look, I know I’m just a sophomore, but I can feel the clock ticking away, and I don’t want to leave high school with nothing to show for it.
WILL: You get great grades. You’re a fantastic singer.
RACHEL: Everybody hates me.
WILL: And you think Glee Club is going to change that?
RACHEL: Being great at something is going to change it. Being a part of something special makes you special, right? I need a male lead who can keep up with me vocally.
WILL: Maybe I can coach Artie a little.
RACHEL: Look, Mr. Schue, I really appreciate what you’re trying to do, but if you can’t give me what I need, then I’m sorry. I’m not going to make a fool out of myself. I can’t keep wasting my time with Glee. It hurts too much.
[KEN blows his whistle to get their attention.]
KEN: Schuester! Figgins wants you!
[CUT TO: INT. PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE - DAY. FIGGINS is punching away at his calculator.]
WILL: But we just started rehearsals.
FIGGINS: My hands are tied, Schue. I need the auditorium. Alcoholics Anonymous wants to rent it out for their afternoon meetings. Lots of drunks in this town. They’re paying me ten bucks a head.
WILL: If we show at regionals, Glee stays; if not, the bar’s open on the auditorium.
FIGGINS: What is it with you and this club? You’ve got only five kids—one of them’s a cripple.
WILL: Then I guess you’ve got nothing to worry about.
FIGGINS: But you’re running detention for free to make it up to me.
[CUT TO: INT. SHEETS N THINGS - DAY. TERRI is teaching HOWARD BAMBOO how to fold a fitted sheet.]
TERRI: You put your hands in the corners like this. Okay?
HOWARD: I can’t do it. I’m dyslexic. Maybe I should just stick to towels and washcloths.
TERRI: Howard, if you can’t fold a fitted sheet, you cannot work at Sheets N’ Things.
P.A.: Associate to returns.
TERRI: Go. Make sure they have a receipt.
[HOWARD exits. WILL enters.]
WILL: Someone looks beautiful today.
TERRI: You look very handsome.
WILL: Thank you. I just thought I’d bring you roast beef on pumpernickel—your favorite.
TERRI: Aw. Oh, but does it have mayo?
TERRI: Will, if my diabetes comes back, I can’t get pregnant.
TERRI: What is wrong with you?
WILL: I just wanted to tell you that I’m going to have to start working late for the next couple of months. I’m, uh, monitoring after-school detention.
WILL: I had to make a deal with Figgins so he wouldn’t kill Glee Club.
TERRI: But Will, I’m on my feet four hours a day three times a week here. Now I have to go home, and I have to cook dinner for myself?
HOWARD: This lady wants to return these sheets, but… something tells me we’ve got another bed wetter.
TERRI: Do you see what I have to deal with here?
[TERRI grabs the soiled sheets. TERRI and HOWARD exit.]
TERRI: God, hasn’t she ever heard of a diaper?
[WILL sees SANDY in the next aisle. He is speaking to a Sheets N’ Things EMPLOYEE.]
SANDY: Of course, towels have a thread count, Mister… Sheets N’ Things. What do you do? I read catalogues. I know these things. Anything under a 400 thread count, and I could break out in impetigo. It’s simple to understand.
[EMPLOYEE exits. WILL tries to sneak past SANDY.]
WILL: Sandy? Hey.
SANDY: Well, hello. How are things? I hear you have taken over Glee Club.
WILL: Yeah. I… hope you’re not too upset.
SANDY: Are you kidding? Getting out of that swirling eddy of despair: best thing that ever happened to me. Don’t get me wrong. It wasn’t easy at first. Being dismissed, and for what I was accused of. My long-distance girlfriend in Cleveland nearly broke up with me. Oh God, don’t you love a good monkey? Took me weeks to get over my nervous breakdown.
WILL: Did they put you on medication?
SANDY: Better: medical marijuana. It’s genius. I just tell my Dr. Feelgood I’m having trouble sleeping, and he gives me all of it I want. I’m finding the whole system quite lucrative.
WILL: You’re a drug dealer?
SANDY: Oh, yeah… make five times more than when I was a teacher.
WILL: I keep some for myself, and then I take money baths in the rest.
SANDY: Who-who do you sell it to?
[CUT TO: EXT. SHADY LOT - DAY. SANDY gives KEN a packet of marijuana in exchange for money.]
[CUT TO: INT. SHEETS N THINGS - DAY. SANDY holds up a packet of marijuana labeled The Chronic Lady.]
SANDY: You want in?
WILL: Uh, no… I mean, I tried it once in college, but Terri and I are trying to get pregnant, so…
[SANDY puts the packet into WILL’s pocket.]
SANDY: Do my own packaging, and the first sample is free.
WILL: Sandy, no.
SANDY: Come on, you are the one who are coaching those tone-deaf acne factories. You’re going to need it.
[Sheets N’ Things EMPLOYEE returns with a toilet cover.]
SANDY: This looks like barf. Okay? I have to do everything myself. (to WILL) Call me. (to EMPLOYEE) Come on. What’s the matter with you? This is terrible.
[CUT TO: INT. SUE’S OFFICE - DAY. SUE is dusting her cheerleading trophies when WILL knocks on her door and looks in.]
WILL: Hey, Sue. Can I have a sec?
SUE: Sure, buddy. Come on in.
[CUT TO: EXT. SIDEWALK - DAY. EMMA steps in a large wad of chewing gum. She freaks out and sits down on a nearby bench. WILL approaches.]
WILL: Hey, Emma, you got a second? What is that, gum?
[CUT TO: INT. SUE’S OFFICE - DAY.]
SUE: So, you want to talk to my Cheerios about joining Glee Club?
WILL: Well, I need more kids - performers - and all the best ones are in the Cheerios, so I figured some of them might want to double up.
SUE: Okay, so what you’re doing right now is called blurring the lines. High school is a caste system. Kids fall into certain slots. Your jocks and your popular kids up in the penthouse. The invisibles and the kids playing live-action out in the forest: bottom floor.
WILL: And… where do the Glee kids lie?
[CUT TO: EXT. SIDEWALK - DAY. WILL is trying to scrape the gum off EMMA’s shoe.]
EMMA: Sue’s not wrong, but I don’t think anything is set in stone. I mean, you know, kids are going to do what they think is cool, which is not always who they are. You just need to find a way to get them out of their boxes.
WILL: Well, how do I do that?
EMMA: They follow the leader. You know, if you can get a couple of the popular kids to sign up, the rest will fall right in line.
[CUT TO: EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY. WILL is jogging alongside KEN’s golf cart.]
WILL: I just want to talk to them.
KEN: I don’t know, dude. I can’t see any of my guys wanting to join Glee Club. Last month, they held down one of their teammates, shaved off his eyebrows just because he watched Grey’s Anatomy.
WILL: Look, all I’m looking for is an introduction.
KEN: Fine. You got to put a good word in for me with Emma.
[CUT TO: EXT. SIDEWALK - DAY. WILL finishes scraping the gum off EMMA’s shoe.]
WILL: There you go, Cinderella.
EMMA: Thank you. I have trouble with things like that. The, um… the… the messy things.
EMMA: It’s really nice how much you care about Glee, about the kids.
[CUT TO: INT. SUE’S OFFICE - DAY.]
SUE: If you really care about these kids, you’ll leave well enough alone. Children like to know where they stand, so let your little Glee kids have their little club, but don’t pretend that any of them are something they’re not.
[CUT TO: INT. BOYS LOCKER ROOM - DAY. KEN is standing at the front of the room with WILL. The football team is scattered around.]
KEN: Circle up. Mr. Schuester is going to talk to you. If you don’t listen, you do laps. You mouth off, you do laps. Got it? They’re all yours, Will.
WILL: Thanks, Ken. Hey, guys, how you doing? Uh, I think I recognize some of you from Spanish class, but, uh, I’m… I’m here today to talk to you about something different: music. Glee Club needs guys.
PUCK: I can sing.
WILL: Really? That’s fantastic.
PUCK: You wanna hear?
[PUCK walks to the front of the locker room amid applause from the other football players. He lets out a loud fart.]
PUCK: Ohhh yeah.
WILL: I’m going to put the sign-up sheet at the door to the so if anyone wants to sign up, please… Thank you.
KEN: Dismissed. Puck, in my office in five minutes.
WILL: You been sleeping okay? Your eyes look a little bloodshot.
KEN: I got allergies.
WILL: Okay. Thanks a lot.
[CUT TO: INT. BOYS LOCKER ROOM - DAY. The New Directions sign-up sheet has three names: Gaylord Weiner, Butt Lunch, and Penis. WILL stares at the sheet, dismayed.]
WILL: (voice over) I honestly thought that was the end of the very brief fever dream that was “New Directions”.
[WILL hears someone singing REO Speedwagon’s “Can’t Fight This Feeling”. He finds FINN in the showers, singing to himself.]
WILL: (voice over) I suddenly realized why I had wanted to do this thing in the first place. It was seeing the gift in a kid that they didn’t even know they had. It was pure talent. What I did then… was the blackest moment of my life.
[CUT TO: INT. WILL’S OFFICE - DAY. WILL shows FINN the packet of marijuana that SANDY gave him.]
WILL: You want to tell me how long you’ve had a drug problem?
FINN: I don’t even know who the Chronic Lady is.
WILL: Look, if it were up to me, we wouldn’t have mandatory bi-weekly afternoon locker checks.
FINN: But I’ve never seen that before, Mr. Schue, I swear. It’s not mine. I’ll pee in a cup. I’ll pee.
WILL: Look, it… it wouldn’t make any difference. Possession is eight-tenths of the law. I’m pretty sure that much pot is a felony. Yeah. Look, you’ll get kicked out of school. You’ll lose your football scholarship.
FINN: Wait… I had a football scholarship? To… to where?
WILL: You could land in prison, son.
FINN: Oh my God. Please, don’t tell my mom.
WILL: Look, I see a lot of myself in you, Finn. I know what it’s like to struggle to make good life choices, and I don’t want to see you throw away everything you have to offer the world. I just expected more out of you, Finn.
FINN: (voice over) That really got to me when Mr. Schuester said that, because every day of my life, I expect more out of myself. See, I might look confident and everything, but I really struggle with the same thing others kids do: peer pressure, bacne.
[CUT TO: INT. FINN’S HOUSE - DAY. A young FINN looks at a photograph of his father.]
FINN: (voice over) I never knew my dad. He died in Iraq when we were fighting Osama bin Laden the first time.
[Young FINN plays the drums. FINN’s mother CAROLE HUDSON is trying to talk on the phone.]
CAROLE: Hold on, hold on. Finn, Finn, Finn! Please, I’m on the phone. I just want to trade next Saturday’s shift for this Saturday, because Finn’s got a parents night for Cub Scouts.
FINN: (voice over) My mom and me, we’re real close, but being a single parent can be hard. The only good time for Mom was en we splurged a little bit and ordered Emerald Dreams.
[CUT TO: EXT. FINN’S HOUSE - DAY. Emerald Dreams employee DARREN is spraying the Hudsons’ front lawn. Young FINN is helping him. CAROLE is sitting close by.]
FINN: (voice over) Darren was good to her, and he was cool about letting me hang out.
[Young FINN and DARREN sing Journey’s “Lovin’, Touchin’, Squeezin’”.]
FINN: (voice over) That was the first time I really heard music. Man, it set my soul on fire.
DARREN: You got a voice, buddy. Seriously, if I had that voice, my band would still be together. Stick with it.
[CUT TO: EXT. FINN’S HOUSE - DAY. DARREN drives by with his new girlfriend.]
FINN: (voice over) My mom took it real hard when Darren left her for that girl he met at Pick & Save.
[CAROLE throws a milk jug at DARREN’s truck, upset.]
FINN: (voice over) It was at that moment I decided to do whatever it took to make my mom proud of me. To make her feel all her sacrifice was worth it.
[CUT TO: INT. WILL’S OFFICE - DAY.]
WILL: We have two options here. I’m running detention now, so you can do six weeks after school, but that’s gonna remain on your permanent record.
FINN: What’s the other option, Mr. Schue?
[CUT TO: INT. AUDITORIUM - DAY. FINN starts singing “You’re the One that I Want” from Grease. RACHEL perks up and joins in, excited. After a moment, MERCEDES breaks them up.]
MERCEDES: Oh, hell to the no. Look, I’m not down with this background singing nonsense. I’m Beyonce. I ain’t no Kelly Rowland.
WILL: Okay, look, Mercedes, it’s just one song.
KURT: And it’s the first time we’ve been kind of good.
MERCEDES: Okay, you’re good, white boy. I’ll give you that. But you better bring it. Let’s run it again.
WILL: All right, let’s do it. From the top.
[CUT TO: INT. TERRI’S CRAFT ROOM - NIGHT. TERRI and WILL are putting together a jigsaw puzzle.]
WILL: You usually don’t let me in your craft room.
TERRI: Isn’t this fun? And challenging. Every Wednesday, we’re gonna have puzzle night. Because I know how important it is for you to have a creative outlet.
WILL: You know, the kids have been working so hard. I was thinking about taking them on a field trip next Saturday. Carmel High’s performing a showcase down in Akron. Now, Carmel’s gonna be the team to beat at regionals. And I was wondering if you might want to come chaperone it with me.
TERRI: On Saturday? Oh, I can’t. I had to pick up an extra shift at work, Will. We’re living paycheck to paycheck, you know.
WILL: And how much of that paycheck goes to your Pottery Barn credit card?
TERRI: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
[WILL stands up and heads toward a closet.]
TERRI: Don’t go in the Christmas closet!
[WILL opens up the closet, revealing things TERRI has purchased without his knowledge.]
WILL: I was looking for my jacket the other day. We cannot afford this stuff, Terri.
TERRI: Oh, we could, Will. Yes, I am a shoo-in to be promoted during the Christmas week at Sheets N’ Things. You know, I reek of management potential. And they’re hiring at H.W. Menken.
WILL: My passion is teaching, Terri. For the last time, I don’t want to be an accountant.
TERRI: Dr. Phil said that people could change. You know, it’s not a bad thing to want a real life, Will, and to have a glue gun that works! You know, it’s really hard for me not having the things that I need.
WILL: Oh! And you need three mahogany toilet brush holders?!
TERRI: They’re Balinese! It is not a bad thing to want things, Will. You know, I understand your interest in these kids, Will. I really do. Yeah. It’s your way of recapturing your glory days. But I’m not the high school cheerleader anymore, and you are not the golden boy. High school’s over… for both of us. It’s time that you move on.
[CUT TO: INT. TEACHERS LOUNGE - DAY. KEN is staring at EMMA while shredding papers. EMMA is staring at WILL, who is putting up a sign-up sheet for chaperones. Once WILL leaves, EMMA walks up to the sheet and puts her name down.]
[CUT TO: EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY. PUCK is throwing footballs at another football player’s head. He notices KEN yelling at FINN.]
KEN: You’re the quarterback! No. I don’t want to hear it. You make your decision. You’re a football player, or you’re a singer.
[FINN walks by. PUCK catches up to him.]
PUCK: Hey. What’s going on?
FINN: Oh. I just… I have to miss practice Saturday afternoon. It’s, uh… it’s my mom. I got to help her… cook and, uh, do things.
FINN: She just had, uh, surgery.
PUCK: What kind of surgery?
FINN: Uh, well, she, um, had to have her prostate out.
PUCK: Man, that’s a tough break.
FINN: Yeah, it’s, uh, engorged.
[CUT TO: EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY.]
SUE: You think this is hard? I’m living with hepatitis. That’s hard.
[CUT TO: INT. TEACHERS LOUNGE - DAY. KEN enters and slaps away the book that WILL was reading.]
KEN: You stole my quarterback.
WILL: Okay, look. Finn’s got a great voice. He just wants to express himself.
KEN: You’re screwing up my life.
WILL: Okay, Ken? You hate football. What’s this really about?
[CUT TO: EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY. EMMA is disinfecting the door handle of her car. KEN approaches.]
KEN: Hey, M&M. So, I got tickets to Monster Trucks this weekend. Luge tickets.
EMMA: No thanks. Not really my thing.
KEN: Truckzilla versus Truckasaurus, and get this: the trucks breathe fire.
EMMA: Ken. Look, you know how every time you ask me out, I tell you that I’m on my period?
KEN: Which doesn’t bother me.
EMMA: Or I’m suffering from cluster headaches, or I’m allergic to nighttime? Those things—not really true. I’m just not interested in dating you.
KEN: How do I get you… into my hatchback?
EMMA: Okay, Ken, fine, you know what, make me say it: I like somebody else. All right? Nothing I can do about it because they’re unavailable, so I have to deal with that, but—
[KEN licks his hand and rubs it all over EMMA’s car door handle.]
[CUT TO: INT. TEACHERS LOUNGE - DAY.]
KEN: You’re right. I’m overreacting. The herd will take care of it.
WILL: The herd?
KEN: The student body. The second someone tries to rise above - be different - the herd pulls them back in. So. Oh, and by the way, thanks for putting a good word in for me with Emma, buddy. I guess you just want her for yourself, huh? Adios, amigo.
[CUT TO: INT. CARMEL HIGH SCHOOL - DAY. RACHEL and FINN are in line for snacks. WILL and EMMA are behind them.]
RACHEL: You’re very talented.
RACHEL: Yeah. I would know. I’m very talented, too. I think the rest of the team expects us to become an item. You, the hot male lead, and me, the stunning young ingenue everyone roots for.
FINN: Well, I, uh, have a girlfriend.
RACHEL: Really? Who?
FINN: Quinn Fabray.
RACHEL: Cheerleader Quinn Fabray? The president of the Celibacy Club?
[CUT TO: INT. QUINN’S HOUSE - NIGHT. FINN and QUINN are making out. FINN reaches down to touch QUINN’s butt. QUINN stops him and sits up.]
QUINN: Wait. Let’s pray.
[CUT TO: INT. CARMEL HIGH SCHOOL - DAY.]
FINN: For almost four months now. She’s cool. Mmm, I wonder if they have Sour Patch Kids.
[RACHEL and FINN move forward in line.]
WILL: Those kielbasas look like they’ve been in there a while.
EMMA: Do you want to go halvsies on a PB and J?
WILL: That sounds perfect.
WILL: Yeah. Let’s go. (to people in line) Sorry. Excuse me.
[WILL and EMMA sit down together.]
WILL: I haven’t had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in a really long time.
WILL: Yeah. My wife’s allergic to nuts.
EMMA: Well, that’s really sweet, though—not eating something because she can’t.
WILL: Oh, yeah.
EMMA: It’s really nice. Oh, that’s really noisy. But they’re clean.
[EMMA gives WILL half of her sandwich.]
WILL: Oh, my gosh.
EMMA: How, um… How long have you two been married?
WILL: Mm, five years last March.
WILL: Yeah. But we’ve been together since high school. I mean, she was my first girlfriend, actually.
EMMA: Was it love at first sight?
WILL: For me it was. I don’t know. She used to be filled with so much joy.
EMMA: And now?
[The lights flicker.]
WILL: Oh. Showtime. You don’t want to hear about my marital problems.
EMMA: Oh, no, I do. I-I do. I mean, I-I’d love to hear. You… I mean, I’m not happy that you have marital problems, but people talk to me a lot ‘cause I’m a guidance counselor.
WILL: Okay, here’s the thing. Terri rides me hard, and I’ve always appreciated it. I figure she just wants me to be better, you know? But lately, though, I keep asking myself, better at what? Making money? Being upwardly mobile? I don’t know. I-I love her. Don’t get me wrong. We just got to get back on the same page.
EMMA: Do you like the sandwich?
WILL: Oh my God, it’s like the best I’ve ever had.
[CUT TO: INT. CARMEL HIGH SCHOOL AUDITORIUM - DAY. WILL, EMMA, and the New Directions are seated together, about to watch Carmel High’s glee club perform. WILL leans over to the others.]
WILL: Hey, guys, so this is supposed to be our competition, but, uh, I honestly don’t think that they’ve got the talent that we’ve got. But let’s be a good audience, all right? Give ‘em some of that old McKinley High respect.
ANNOUNCER: Please give a warm Buckeye State welcome to last year’s regional champions, Vocal Adrenaline!
[Vocal Adrenaline performs Amy Winehouse’s “Rehab”. It is amazing. Everyone cheers. New Directions is stunned.]
TINA: We’re d-d-doomed.
[CUT TO: EXT. CARMEL HIGH SCHOOL - DAY. FINN walks past a group of Carmel High drummers. PUCK and a few football players are waiting for him around the corner with paintball guns.]
PUCK: Chicks don’t have prostates. I looked it up. You broke the rules, Finn, and for that, you must be punished.
[The football players hold up their paintball guns and surround FINN.]
FINN: Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. You’ve got the power here, okay? You-you don’t have to do this.
[The football players open fire.]
[CUT TO: INT. WILL’S APARTMENT - NIGHT. WILL enters. TERRI is waiting for him with champagne. A banner that reads “Congratulations” is hanging in the doorway.]
TERRI: There’s my baby.
WILL: Wow, honey. This is amazing. What-what’s the congratulations for? The kids haven’t won anything yet.
TERRI: I’m pregnant.
WILL: Terri, don’t mess with me. Oh my God, this is amazing. We’re going to be a family. Oh my God. Oh! Can’t believe it.
[CUT TO: INT. AUDITORIUM - DAY. WILL is breaking the bad news to the New Directions.]
ARTIE: You’re leaving us? When?
WILL: Well, I’ve given my two weeks’ notice, but I promise I’m gonna find you guys a great replacement before I go.
MERCEDES: Is this ‘cause those Carmel kids were so good? Because we can work harder.
RACHEL: This isn’t fair, Mr. Schuester. We can’t do this without you.
FINN: So does that mean that I don’t have to be in the club anymore or…?
WILL: This isn’t about you guys. Being an adult is about having to make difficult choices. It’s not like high school. Sometimes you have to give up the things that you love. One day you guys are going to grow up and understand that. I have loved being your teacher.
[CUT TO: INT. AUDITORIUM - DAY. WILL is packing up his things. He picks up his guitar and starts singing John Denver’s “Leaving on a Jet Plane”.
[CUT TO: EXT. MCKINLEY HIGH - DAY. EMMA draws a heart around WILL’s face in the yearbook.]
[CUT TO: INT. CLASSROOM - DAY. WILL fills out a job application for H.W. Menken.]
[CUT TO: INT. TEACHERS LOUNGE - DAY. EMMA overhears other teachers talking about WILL.]
TEACHER: I heard he’s having a baby. That’s why he gave Figgins his notice.
[CUT TO: INT. CLASSROOM - DAY. WILL finishes filling out his job application. EMMA walks up to him.]
EMMA: Need help grading those papers?
WILL: It’s actually an application for H.W. Menken. They’re hiring. Come on. Accounting is sexy. I’ll miss you.
EMMA: Before you leave, can you do me a favor?
EMMA: I made an appointment for you tomorrow in the career center. You need some guidance.
WILL: I’m having a kid, Emma. What I need is better benefits.
EMMA: Just come, Will, for me.
[CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - DAY. FINN shuts his locker and finds RACHEL standing there.]
RACHEL: Didn’t see you at Glee Club today.
FINN: Is that still happening?
RACHEL: I’ve taken over. I’m interim director, but I expect the position will become permanent.
[QUINN and SANTANA enter.]
QUINN: Hi, Finn. (to RACHEL) RuPaul.
QUINN: What are you doing talking to her?
RACHEL: Science project—we’re partners.
QUINN: Christ Crusaders tonight at 5, my house.
FINN: Sounds great.
[QUINN and SANTANA exit.]
FINN: Look, I-I should go. I can’t do Glee anymore. It conflicts with…
RACHEL: Your reputation? You’ve really got something, Finn, and you’re throwing it away.
FINN: I-I’m going to be late.
RACHEL: You can’t keep worrying about what people think of you, Finn. You’re better than all of them.
[CUT TO: EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY. Football players are rehearsing. FINN and PUCK are talking.]
PUCK: What do you want me to do, apologize? That’s not me, dude. Look, if I joined the flag team, you’d beat the crap out of me. I just don’t understand why you did it.
FINN: Schuester told me it’d give me enough extra credit to pass Spanish if I joined the club, okay? I… I didn’t have a choice. If I failed another class, I’d be off the team. Look, it’s over, okay? I quit. Anything else?
PUCK: No, that’s it. And as a welcome back to the world of the normal… I got you a present.
[PUCK walks ahead. FINN hears a sound.]
FINN: What’s that noise?
[ARTIE is trapped inside a portable toilet.]
ARTIE: Help, help! Help!
[FINN walks up to the group of portable toilets. PUCK and other football players are standing nearby.]
FINN: What’s going on?
PUCK: We got that wheelchair kid inside. We’re going to flip it.
FINN: Isn’t that kind of dangerous?
PUCK: He’s already in a wheelchair. Come on, dude, we saved you the first roll.
[FINN shakes his head. He opens the portable toilet and pulls ARTIE out.]
ARTIE: Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you. Oh my God, the smell.
PUCK: What the hell, dude? I can’t believe you’re helping out this loser.
FINN: Don’t you get it, man? We’re all losers—everyone in this school. Hell, everyone in this town. Out of all the kids who graduate, maybe half will go to college, and two will leave the state to do it. I’m not afraid of being called a loser ‘cause I can accept that that’s what I am. But I am afraid of turning my back on something that actually made me happy for the first time in my sorry life.
PUCK: So what? Are you quitting to join Homo Explosion?
FINN: No. I’m doing both. ‘Cause you can’t win without me and neither can they.
[FINN wheels ARTIE away. In the distance, DARREN, the Emerald Dreams employee from FINN’s childhood is spraying the football field and singing Journey.]
[CUT TO: INT. AUDITORIUM - DAY. RACHEL and the rest of New Directions are arguing when FINN wheels ARTIE in.]
RACHEL: Look, you guys, these steps are not hard. I’ve been doing them since preschool.
KURT: I’m sorry, did I miss the election for queen? Because I didn’t vote for you.
RACHEL: I know what I’m talking about. I won my first dance competition when I was three months old.
KURT: (to FINN) This is a closed rehearsal.
FINN: Look, I owe you guys an apology. I never should have quit. I don’t want to be the guy that just drives around throwing eggs at people.
RACHEL: That was you?
KURT: You and your friends threw pee balloons at me.
FINN: I know.
KURT: You nailed all my lawn furniture to my roof.
FINN: I wasn’t actually there for that, but I’m really sorry. Look, that isn’t who I am, and I’m tired of it. This is what I want to be doing, with you guys. I used to think that this was like, the lamest thing on Earth, and maybe it is, but… we’re all here for the same reason—‘cause we want to be good at something. Artie, you play guitar, right? Think you could recruit the jazz band?
ARTIE: I do have pull there.
FINN: All right. Mercedes, we need new costumes, and they have to be cool. Can you do that?
MERCEDES: Damn, don’t you see what I got on?
FINN: Rachel, you can do choreography. Tina, what are you good at?
FINN: We’ll figure something out for you.
MERCEDES: And what are you bringing to the table, Justin Timberlake?
FINN: I’ve got the music.
[CUT TO: INT. TEACHERS LOUNGE - DAY. WILL and EMMA are sitting together at a table.]
EMMA: I want to show you something. I did a little research… and this is a tape I found in the library of the ‘93 team at nationals.
[EMMA plays the tape for WILL.]
EMMA: Do you know who that is? That’s you, Will. That’s you happier than I’ve ever seen you.
WILL: That was the greatest moment of my life.
WILL: Because I loved what I was doing. I knew before we were halfway through with that number that we were going to win. Being a part of that, in that moment, I knew who I was in the world. And the only time I’ve felt that way since then was when Terri told me I was going to be a father. No. No, I need to provide for my family.
EMMA: But provide what exactly? The understanding that money is the most important thing? Or the idea that the only life worth living is one that you’re really passionate about?
[CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - DAY. WILL is walking away when he hears music from the auditorium.]
[CUT TO: INT. AUDITORIUM - DAY. The New Directions perform Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’”. WILL watches them perform. SUE, QUINN, and SANTANA watch from the rafters. PUCK from one of the exits. When they’re done, WILL claps.]
WILL: Good, guys. It’s a nine. We need a ten. Rachel, you need to hit the ones and the fives. Finn, I think if we worked on it, you could hit a high “B.”
FINN: So does this mean you’re staying?
WILL: It would kill me to see you win nationals without me. From the top.